Which Church?!

[FannyMcNee]

I'm C of E, DP is lapsed Catholic.

We have 2 DCs and are getting married in September. Once married, I want to start going to church again (I used to go often during the 10 year period up to my meeting DP, then fell out out of the habit/became lazy). DP hasn't regularly attended church since childhood.

Seeing as DP has a Catholic background and wants to bring DCs up as Catholic, I sort of feel I'd be splitting the family up if I continued as C of E. That said, I'm NOT a Catholic and, despite an interest in Catholicism, have not attended our local one for fear of being judged for our illegitimate children.

WWYD?

Why does your DP have a bigger say? He's not exactly a "good" Catholic, is he?

Visit the churches near you, and go to the one where they welcome you and you feel that you will be able to become part of the church family, and where they have lively children's work.

If your DP is lapsed why is he so keen to bring them up catholic. Have you considered a high CofE church?

Where are you getting married?

Is it important to you that you attend church as a family?

Tbh my choice of church came down to finding one that I felt totally comfortable with (being a lp I didn't want to be judged) and also convenience (right across the road from my house).

I'd say try a few before deciding on one that you're completely happy with.

DP seems to think the CofE is inferior to RC because of the whole Henry VIII/divorce thing.

We're not marrying in a church, but the ceremony will be conducted by a vicar (not priest).

I suppose it's not entirely necessary to attend as a family...

Why are you waiting til after the wedding?

Surely now is the best time to start - as people have suggested above, try out as many local churches as possible. Go where you feel welcome

Won't I be judged for having children out of wedlock? If I attend after wedding, no one needs to know we weren't married when they were born ;)

Don't base your future relationship with church members on a lie about your children!

Seriously, if you find somewhere that is open, accepting and welcoming that is the most important part. It's important that you are able to feel totally comfortable in the place where you will be worshipping.

My advice would be to start looking now. Talk to other members of the congregations, find out about family services, messy church etc so that you're able to be involved as a family.

I don't go a bundle on fussing over denomination tbh. All churches are going to be different because all congregations will be different.

Won't I be judged for having children out of wedlock?

You daft wotsit! If anyone is judging you, then they're in the wrong church!!! No one will ask for a marriage certificate/ wedding certificate or passport when you go into a church. Someone will smile, hand you a hymn book and service sheet and off you go. If you like the service, go again. If you don't, then try a different time service at that church, or try out another church.

You will find a welcoming church that suits you. :)

Surely you don't want to go to any church that would judge "people like me" even if you could keep your own situation a secret? What would you do if a conversation about unmarried parents came up - you'd either have to admit it at that point, or lie about it. Decent churchgoers will not judge you for having children before you are married - some might think that it is "better" to be married, but since you're going to get married anyway presumably you can see benefits to marriage so that wouldn't be a problem. The important thing is to find a church where you can be open about yourself and your values - if you can't, then it's the wrong place for you.

Does either of you intend to take the children to church? If so, that person gets to decide which denomination or individual church to take them to. If your DH wants to raise them RC then it's up to him to get off his bum on a Sunday morning and take them to church. So long as he isn't bothering to do that, he certainly doesn't get the "casting vote" on which denomination to label them as.

Most C of E I know have lots of people with "illegitimate" children going to them. One family I know, she had 3 kids from her first marriage, and only got married to her second husband after having several kids with him. (Great wedding BTW).
I would think the Catholic Church would be far more unwelcoming in your situation.
Another great wedding I went to, was a couple who went to Australia (where he came from) to see what it was like before getting engaged. Before she arrived she was pregnant, they had the baby, then came back to the UK for the wedding. I was a lovely one, and in Church.

I think your DP needs to think seriously about how much of a hypocrite he is being condemning a Church because of Henry VIII

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Mummy, I agree. Trouble is, he's very opinionated and I'm the sort of peacekeeper who backs down to avoid an argument. Also I'm never "equipped" with the right words at the right time, iykwim. Ugh. Wish I had more backbone but I'm hoping it might come with maturity :)

I feel horrible talking about him on here (never have) and he's brilliant in most ways but the hypocrisy re church winds me up so much. It's a family thing, though. MIL seems to be expecting us to get a blessing in a Catholic church (despite the fact we're having a religious ceremony) so I assmue she must think that if you don't do things the Catholic way, you might as well not be religious at all.

Sorry for a drip-feedy rant but can't discuss with anyone in RL and it festers a bit.

If you need to find the right words, we can help

How old are your dcs? Will they/do they go to catholic school? I'm an Anglican but lots of families at my church have your situation where one parent is RC. They solve it by doing RC first communion etc but doing their regular Sunday worship at ours. But there isn't very intense pressure on places at our RC primary. If schools are an issue you will need some good local advice and you should feed it into the mix making your decision.

That aside, just go to all your local churches and see which one is best (if it's RC or nothing for your dp he should get unlapsed quick I say)

Agree with comments above that at most churches (certainly ones I've attended, which have all been C of E), noone would judge you for having children outside marriage - to be honest most churches are delighted to have a new member of the congregation, and hence very welcoming.
I was wondering if there might be any issues you feel strongly about, such as women clergy, abortion, homosexuality - it might be hard to attend a church which had a stance on these kind of issues which you find difficult to accept?
Best of luck - I hope you find a church where you can be happy. I'm sure you will.

OP, it might be a good idea if you list the reasons why you want to return to church. Does your DP share these ideas for himself, or he is just opinionated about what you should do?

I think that even the most fundamental church would welcome you knowing that you were about to get married. There is no worry there, wherever you visit.

If you want to go to church in order to tick it off when you attend each Sunday, then it doesn't really matter where you go. Pick one where you like the worship style (high/low, old/modern etc).

If you want to belong to a church family, then you need to see what is going on outside of Sunday services. Are you looking for children's groups, women's groups, study groups where you can grow in your faith. Are you looking to do something useful for your community? All these things take place during the week.

A look at church websites will show what they do midweek.

This is a very tricky time to check out churches as many are in summer mode. This may mean that midweek groups aren't running, or that the main Sunday service is completely different from normal (and usually not for the best, ime :) ). For a higher church, this might mean that the choir is taking a break and for a lower church, services may be lay-led. Everything should be back to normal in early September.

As a practicing RC I would say that you should try and find a church that 'feels' right for you. Although I would love to be able to worship with my whole family (we do that once a month). Also do quite a lot of research into the different religions as you will then get far more out of each service.

One RC church to another will differ in terms of style and personality mainly due to the Priest but just because of the local community. In our church they have just introduced a no talking policy before the start of Mass - I think they would prefer talking only after mass but not in the actual church just the entrance porch, not sure this policy is overly popular but I do understand why some people would prefer it - others not so much.

I find it sad that you get people who just go out of habit and do what is necessary as opposed to trying to learn, challenge and really live their faith (although all of that is a big struggle which IMHO makes it part of the fun).

The pews in our Catholic church are full of families in 'irregular' situations. The small minority of judgy-pants are usually so fully occupied making cats-bum faces at my very unruly children that I doubt they notice which mums do or don't have a wedding ring on .

Plus sex outside marriage, but with two resulting dc, proves less contraceptive use than most of the married couples you'll see... so who's going to risk throwing the first stone your way?