how can I make amends for my past

[Blinkeyblonk]

Am looking for opinions from people with all different beliefs here.I have previously betrayed trust and acted in ways that I have been ashamed of.I cannot admit this to one of the people involved as it would have put me in real danger and I will not take that risk because of my children.I really know how selfish and stupid I was now.what I want to know is how can I spend the rest if my life being a better person and how can I make this better, although not absolved, on a cosmic level. I did nothing illegal but lost my morals fir some time and that sits badly...how can I grow from this?

Don't do it again. It's past. It's gone. Move on from it and leave it where it belongs - behind you.

Learn self forgiveness and appreciate your uniqueness and ability to learn from your mistakes.

Self flagellation just adds negativity into the environment around you.

Make peace with yourself and move ON.

What a lovely question! I am a Christian and believe that if you have faith in God, you can pray, asking Him for forgiveness and help in forgiving others who have done wrong to you. You can repent, which means turn away from the wrong things you have been doing. The Bible teaches you how to lead a more Godly life. The great thing is, God will forgive you, you are washed clean and are free to start again. Some courses that tell you more about Christianity are: Alpha, Christianity Explored or Journeys. Other Christians can also pray for you, that's called intercession.

I don't have a faith or any belief in a supernatural element so my own personal response to guilt is to accept I am human, yes I have made mistakes but I have also shown kindness. It's not appropriate to base our whole self worth on just one set of behaviours i.e. the negative things we have done, in the same way it wouldn't be fair to judge ourselves by only the good things we have done for we are, like everyone, a mixture of positive and negative. I also think we should make amends where possible and appropriate and in the same vein feel good about ourselves for the ways we bring good things into the lives of others.

You 'simply' learn from your mistakes and strive not to repeat them. To be too harsh on yourself will do no one any good

I had this, but I was able to say sorry.

In the grand scheme of things, I was stupid and selfish, but nobody died, or even got hurt by what I did, as far as I know. But I am a moral person and I hated myself for what I did.

I you should write a letter to the person, even if you can never send it. Put down how you feel and why. Understanding your own feelings and need for forgiveness should help you forgive yourself?

If you recognise that what you did was wrong, and have at least some understanding of why you did it, then I think you can learn from it and move on, even without being able to deal with it directly with the person involved.

If you want to make a physical gesture, one thing to do is to write out what you did and how you feel about it, either as a letter to the other person or just as a letter to yourself, then burn it. I've been in churches where they gave people an opportunity to do that - since it was church they were meant to pray to god while they burnt it, but I think the burning is the important bit - it puts it into the past and cleans the slate so you can move on.

As an ex-prison minister, this is a quandary I came across quite often. I'm not Christian, and definitely don't subscribe to the "God will forgive your sins if you pray and accept Jesus as your saviour". I think to begin to make amends, you start by striving to be a better person than you were. That short sentence means a lot of work. It's about being kinder to everyone, including yourself, and more honest with yourself and others too. Self-forgiveness is a skill that is lacking amongst many.

Morals can be entirely subjective, so don't think that you have to ever force your own morals to fit what is accepted by others. Your morals are what keep you able to look yourself in the eye in the bathroom mirror each morning. Ultimately the only person we have to answer to is ourselves, and ultimately the only person who can truly judge us is ourself.

Accept that what is in the past cannot be changed, but what is in the future and how you approach that future, and help others approach that future, is what will make you a better person than you were.

Thanks for your responses...its really encouraging me x

I would say don't just leave it and move on. Resentments can eat you up. I'm in a recovery programme and I am at the moment making amends to people I've hurt in the past. It is about acknowledging my role in things, even if what they did to me was worse. I just explain to them that I have been selfish/dishonest/inconsiderate (or whatever) towards them in the past and I apologise for that.

It is VERY hard btw, but something I have to do to really let go of the resentment.

Oh yes, I only make amends where it would not cause hurt or injury to the person concerned.

Willow..I understand the philosophy and reasoning,I understand how it works.but what if acknowledging your role could jeopardise your safety and that of others...could there be different ways to make amends without a confessional?!

Then you don't do it. Only if it is safe. There is one person who hurt me so much that if I made contact with him again it would set me back SO much that we agreed I should just leave it. But with most people it is possible.

One way in which some people do it is to think if there is anything you could do instead. For example, someone who was abusive towards a now ex-partner may decide that for the safety of the person concerned that they do not want to contact them and make amends directly. So instead they donate money or something to a women's refuge. Does that make sense?