Muslims - need advice urgently. Practising muslims preferably...

[stmoritzsmells]

asalamalaykm

I have stated 'practising muslims preferably' as the issues raised are ones that someone who is not practising, may find trivial or not a big deal etc.

So a family member of mine is getting married soon. My mum and I, as well as other family members have severe doubts about the girl he is marrying but are leaving him to it and hoping for the best. That would be fine..but they have quite pushy ways and seem to be very foward with promoting their Asian culture over ours. I don't care about culture one jot as Islam comes first to me, but for my mum and others it's become a real hassle. Allah only knows of course, it's just from what we have seen and heard, they aren't very practising and seem really obsessed with material things. This worries me as my brother is on a good wage and now they are pushing for him to marry their daughter under british law as well as the obvious nikah. I guess I'm just worried about ulterior motives and I'm worried that this family won't mesh very well with ours as both are so different in their ways of Islam.

They have pushed so much of their ways on us and I'm so tired of it now. The new thing that is coming up is a 'mixed' mehndi party, which will inevitably be with all the opposite sex, loads of music and girls who don't wear hijab. I don't feel happy going there and I don't exactly want my younger brothers around that sort of a gathering because of fitnah etc. All of this is seemingly harmless to them and it seems like I'm being seen as the crazy religious one who wont just relax and go with the flow like everyone else. Anyway, I just don't know what the hell to do. Do I shut my mouth or do I voice up that I'm not happy with what they try and get us involved in?

Tricky one!

I am guessing they are Pakistani as SOME of us Pakistanis love throwing mehendi parties and showing off all the OTT excesses in weddings. A lot of it to the older generations is more about 'look, this is how much we have/they have', which is sad in itself.

Is the rest of your family happy with mixed mehendi or is it just yourself?

Is your brother happy with it all? Is he quite religious?

The registry is not such a bad idea as it gives the woman the right to be recognised as wife in the UK.

I know you asked for replies from practicing Muslims but none seem to be around, so...

I think you should definitely say something - refuse to go to the mendhi party and generally be vocal about all those things you are not happy about.

It is better for everyone for these problems to come to light now, before they get married.

More importantly, though: What does your brother think?

defuse - yeeaaap..they are pakistani. I've got to be honest, it's like you said, some, and from what I see, alot of them, seem to be all about showing off and throwing the most ott unislamic weddings ever!
Rest of my family is not happy at all about the mehndi party, particularly mum who thinks it's wasteful and not needed etc etc. Other family members just don't like the pushiness of their cultural ways and the party seems to be yet another reason to let us know they are pakistani and proud. Fair enough but we're all pretty sick of it. Family is mixed arab and european so pretty laid back with weddings and the like.

Cote - brother is weary looking these days, isn't really voicing his opinion despite him having confided to me and his mum he isn't happy. I'm hoping he'll grow a backbone but that will be a miracle if it happens. We aren't a sect or an extreme type, if you know what I mean, but we practise Islam without cherry picking if that makes sense. Doesn't make us better than anyone else I'm well aware but I'm just giving some idea, because they make us feel dumb about stuff that they don't feel is a big deal.

defuse - I feel like I need a lowdown on the pakistani ways seriously lol. I know not all are like this but when they are it's pretty intimidating.

Your brother will need to speak up, otherwise it will look like interfering family etc etc.

If your brother isnt saying much, then you are fighting a losing battle to be honest. The traditional mixed mehendi generally has loads of singing and dancing and lots of music and small traditions. It is a lot of fun but it doesnt make it all ok. Some bits are though - depends on how strict one is.

You are not dumb for putting islam before culture. Can you not get your brother to ask for a compromise in that you have a mehendi party but for ladies only. It sounds like the girl's family will probably still insist on song and dance but may be ok to make it ladies only. But really, all this needs to come from your brother.

Welcome to pakistani weddings - where it all becomes a competitive show! :D

Is the wedding the only problem here, though? Or are there going to be constant problems because your future SIL and her family are not conservative enough for your family?

I'm not even Muslim, but I think a mixed mendhi party is a bit weird. YANBU to not want your little brothers at your future SIL's hen do. Any chance of booking a two-hall venue with a large lobby or corridor for those who want to mingle?

agree with crescentmoon . You will have more leverage if you are paying. but i am guessing that the reception will be paid for by the bride's family and the walima by your family stmoritz

Any feedback on what your brother's views are?

What is a "sharia compliant mortgage"?

Welcome to Pakistani wedding where it all becomes a competitive show!

Is that just a bad joke?

What you have described is the definition of a mortgage - you put in some money, then "buy" the rest out of the hands of the bank, little by little. And the bank makes a profit from selling its share.

Do you really think it is any different than getting a mortgage?

Ok, personally I don't think I would say too much. It's not your wedding and its really up to your brother to speak up for himself. It won't look too good if he has to get his mum and sister to speak for him, instead of voicing his own concerns??
I agree mixed mehndi party is weird, but I have heard of some people doing that these days :S
Maybe have to take a step back a bit and don't take things personally. Ok they are proud of being Pakistani so leave them to it. If the girl family continue to be pushy during the marriage, your brother will have to step up and stick up for himself eventually - he is the husband after all!!
I find it only makes things worse when you have both families in there trying to get too involved as well as the couple. Just mention to your brother if you think there is anything wrong going on (eg mehndi being mixed) then you have mentioned it, your job is done, so just leave it.. you can't always force people to be exactly how you want them to be

I know interest is haram and all that. It's the same thing, though, whether you call it a loan with interest, or a partnership where you slowly buy the other's shares.

If you look at the "profit" banks require for these halal mortgages, you will see that they are eerily similar to the "interest" other banks require. (I studied this stuff ).

Wa alaikumusalaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakatuh ukhti,

"I think you should definitely say something - refuse to go to the mendhi party and generally be vocal about all those things you are not happy about. "

I agree with cote because Islamically you are not supposed to help with ma'aasi and anything that leads to it. And also you need to have walaa' wal baraa' as a condition for your shahada.

My sister recently got married and me and my children did not attend the wedding party and it wasn't an issue as I did not even attend the wedding party that was thrown for me at my wedding. They had a wedding party with neither a bride nor groom LoL!

I haven't read all the replies, but u asked for a muslim point of view and that is that mixed parties are haram especially if all the girls are going to be dressed up with hair and make up done. and dancing with those of the opposite sex is also haram if they are not mahram. Whatever u think of the girl and her family has nothing to do with it. Your objections should be heard but don't make it personal, just point out it is haram and that your brother shouldn't just go along with it to make her family happy. If your brother loves the girl thenu should give her a chance and give him a chance to be happy. I hope this helps.

Salaam just read your post. I understand where you're coming from as I have to deal with these issues with my inlaws. We're also Pakistani but my family are educated so we are able to prioritise Islam over culture. I think you should stick to ur guns but deal with the family with wisdom. I mean just explain nicely that you don't think it's right as you're a practising family. Ask them to segregate the Mendhi it baffles me when folk try to be all 'modern' by going All mixed. And talk to your brother. Surely he must have an opinion on this matter. it is a shame he sees fit to marry a non practising girl who comes from a very culture over religion family. I guess he's smitten. Love is blind.insha'allah he will influence her and she will drop those backward ways. He is the head of the house, not her family. If he doesn't want a uk marriage then make sure he stands his ground. I only had a nikah cos I did not want to rob his family of their potential share though part of me wishes I had as god forbid something happens, I'm sure his family will not think twice of robbing me and my son of our share as uk law does not recognise uk based nikah. Yes I have a very wealthy father but that's not the point. Anyway sorry to waffle on as that is a whole other story of being a naive practising wife. I think practising people should be with practising peoples as I find from my own experience non practising families take advantage of the god fearing person too much.