CofE family, advice please!

[topbannana]

Apologies in advance if this seems a bit long but I did not want to miss anything out!
My family consists of me, my DH and DS(8) DS attends a CofE church school, simply because this is our local village school rather than for any reason involving faith.
DH was "a bit of a God botherer" (his words, not mine!) when he was younger and he was christened and then later confirmed (I think) but has drifted away from regular church attendance.
I was christened as a baby, for reasons I cannot begin to comprehend, as my parents never set foot in any sort of church with the exception of weddings and funerals
DS was not christened as, given what I said about my parents, it seemed a bit hypocritical.
One of us always attends the church services held by the school, initially because I did not like to think of DS looking round for us and perhaps being the only one without a parent there. Recently he has also been helping at services on Sunday (they are asked in school if they would be interested) reading prayers, carrying candles etc which we both attend.
Now we live in a small village with a welcoming church and our work committments are very different, we have got to thinking we should perhaps attend more often. However I have a hundred (or more!) questions, many of which I am afraid might seem to be really silly or obvious. I hope someone on here may be able to help me so here goes with a few...

1. We would not attend every week but would like to attend for major celebrations (if that is the correct word) I know other families who are not weekly attendees but would this be frowned on?
2. Should DS be christened/ baptised or whatever is appropriate (I don't even know that ) He is very happy to attend church so we would not be forcing a religion on him against his will.
3. Personally I like the supportive and welcoming atmosphere in church, as well as the being thankful for what we have bit. A lot of the heavy religious stuff passes over my head as I was never raised in that sort of situation and I do not understand it. Is it appropriate to attend church just to be grateful for my lot, rather than to understand and enjoy passages from the bible (I am worried I may seem a bit of a fraud for not having strong religious beliefs)

Thank you for getting this far, any advice on the above would be greatly appreciated :)

You have said that the church is supportive and welcoming - it doesn't sound like they will grill you about why you have started attending a bit more - they sound great!
Attend when you can - lots of families don't come weekly because of other family or work commitments.
You might want to talk to the Vicar about your son and baptism at this stage - especially if your son has expressed a desire to be baptized.
Someone said that there are only three words you need to pray: 'help' and 'thank-you' - it sounds like you are doing Ok even without the heavy doctrinal stuff.

It sounds as though you have a lovely church. They will not think badly of you if you don't go every week - they will welcome you when you do go. Don't worry that you don't 'understand' everything - I am sure that most people who attend don't - that is one of the reasons many of us go, to learn more.
Don't rush into having your son baptised - go along more often if you feel happy too and see how it goes. If your DS requests it, then have a chat with the vicar. You haven't said how old he is, but if he is asking to go more regularly to help out at services, he is obviously getting to an age where he should have an active role in deciding the next step for himself.

I would echo what aig and Seeline both say. The church sounds welcoming and you will not be thought badly of for not going every week. If you go a few times perhaps you could have a chat with the vicar about some of the things in your OP. They should be really helpful and probably the best person to ask.

Also your ds is getting to the age where he could have some say about being Christened and it may then be worth asking the vicar about it then.

I think its great that you want to attend church regularly and your DS is interested. I also think that the church sounds welcoming and that's really important.

Before I became a Christian (as an adult) whenever I went to Church (which was not often) much of it passed over my head, though I loved the atmosphere of churches.
I did a course called Christianity Explored and it was brilliant. It laid out what it means to be a Christian and at its heart it is really very straightforward. Jesus came to live a perfect sinless life and to die to pay for our sins so that we can be right with God. This was a gift from God and not something we can earn. Once I understood that I realised that all the singing and the bible verses/readings were about understanding this truth more fully and giving thanks to God for his gift of grace. Maybe if you go with this understanding in mind the service may make more sense?

HTH :)

The "religious stuff" will continue to pass over your head if you only attend once in a blue moon.

Thanks everyone (and hello guinea!)
As it happens I do chat to the vicar quite a lot anyway as he is in school regularly, lives in the village, and has popped round to give DS his readings etc. (I was very nervous about that one! )
I suppose I am a little afraid that he will (although he has always been lovely in the past) laugh at my lack of knowledge or somehow see through me and my ignorance.
I just feel things like not knowing what he is will find me out (his title is Reverend but I do not know if that means he is a vicar or not) This must be basic stuff that everyone except me knows and I feel silly for not knowing it (I should perhaps point out that I had not been in a church until DS started school)
And thanks clairebunting, I will bear that in mind

Well that was a helpful post Claire very inspiring.

I was brought up in the C of E and lots of stuff still went over my head. It isn't a problem really.

Hi topbannana. Just to echo what everyone else says: it sounds as if you have a great church, and I think you should be grateful for that and enjoy it.

To try to answer your questions:

1. We would not attend every week but would like to attend for major celebrations (if that is the correct word) I know other families who are not weekly attendees but would this be frowned on?

There are lots of people who don't get to church regularly for whatever reason. People will be happy that you are there when you're there (iyswim), and will definitely not worry about why you're not there at other times. Of course, it may grow on you and you may start wanting to be there more regularly... but that will be entirely up to you.

1. Should DS be christened/ baptised or whatever is appropriate?

Your ds is not a baby, and so he should really make this decision for himself. It's not a problem that he hasn't been baptised already, so it will be for him to ask to be baptised if and when he chooses to do so. When infants are baptised their parents and godparents speak for them and make a series of promises on their behalf. When older children or adults are baptised, they make those promises for themselves. If your DS wants to be baptised, he - or you - could talk to the vicar and see what he suggests. They might feel that, given his age, he could be baptised and confirmed at the same time. Eight may be a bit young for confirmation (my dd was baptised and confirmed a couple of months ago and the youngest at that service was 7, but normally I get the sense that the CofE tends to confirm, say, 10s and above... though someone will correct me if I'm wrong).

As I say, my dd was baptised and confirmed recently (she's 10) at her own request. No-one ever asked me why she hadn't been 'done' as a baby or questioned her/my motivation. She did attend some preparatory lessons, which she enjoyed. She was baptised (along with a couple of others) right at the beginning of the service, and then confirmed alongside about 8 or 9 others later in the service. Like your ds she serves in church (she mostly acts as 'boat bearer' - quite 'high' church = lots of incense!!) and she started doing this before she was baptised.

We do go (me and her - my other dd and dh don't go near the place, sadly) most weeks now, but this has only been something we've started doing in the last couple of years (as I gradually moved from agnosticism to belief).

1. Personally I like the supportive and welcoming atmosphere in church, as well as the being thankful for what we have bit. A lot of the heavy religious stuff passes over my head as I was never raised in that sort of situation and I do not understand it. Is it appropriate to attend church just to be grateful for my lot, rather than to understand and enjoy passages from the bible (I am worried I may seem a bit of a fraud for not having strong religious beliefs)

That sounds entirely appropriate to me. As others have said, you may start wanting to know and understand more, and if so there are ways of going around that, from having a quiet word with the vicar to attending a course to reading a book to talking to some of the very knowledgeable people on here.

Please don't feel a fraud. Even the people with the strongest and most enduring faith have doubts sometimes. You are there because you appreciate the church's message, because you want to support your ds, because you like to be part of the community that the church represents, perhaps a little bit because you want to find out more. That is a fantastic starting-point.

And if you don't move beyond that starting-point, I would suggest that you're still doing something that it central to the Christian faith, which is very much a faith of community. Jesus said that when two or three people gathered together in his name, he'd be there with them. So it seems to me that the fact of stepping over the threshold to attend a service is already quite meaningful, in that you are entering willingly into that community - a community of which Jesus himself is a part. (And if that last bit is a bit too 'God-botherer-ish', don't worry. Just enjoy being there and see what happens.)

Good luck.

Oops, sorry for writing an essay!

Nice essay though Tuo :)

Perfect answer duo! Enjoy your time in church op

Oops, tuo

In my experience of a C of E church, we have families who come on their own terms (e.g. once a month family services or just special services like Christmas, Easter, Harvest, etc.) and we are happy for them to come whenever they wish. I would rather they came a few times a year than not at all! Also, our priest is very aware that many people, particularly those under 50, have no previous church experience and no knowledge of what's going on. While all churches vary, I would hope that a village C of E church would see itself as being there for everyone in the community, whatever their outlook, and be happy for you to come along as and when you feel the need. And there's nothing wrong with going to church while not being sure what you believe. I have a friend who goes to be part of the community, even though she has reservations about many aspects of belief, and appreciates the support and friendship she finds in the congregation.

Thank you again everyone (especially Tuo and the epic essay!)
Its a relief to hear of your friend rosieres, I think I fall firmly into her category at the moment!
We will also start out just attending the special services and see where that takes us. Its strange, as I never EVER saw myself as a church goer but with life as it is I feel it is appropriate now though I cannot entirely explain why. Perhaps simply that the village church seems more welcoming and accessible for us :)

You don't have to go every week :)
I go most weeks unless I have pressing family issues/hols etc but that's because I want to not because I feel I have to.
You may well find that three are other ways to become involved in the fellowship of the church without going to church in a regular basis...for example, early morning communion, open afternoons, prayer meetings etc during the week.
My eldest likes the youth club on a Monday evening.
My church alas a family service once a month which is a bit shorter than usual and more child centric...perhaps if your church has something like that you could start with that?
Xmas services can be lovely and IMO really make Xmas special...it's what it's all about after all!! :)
I hope you enjoy going to church and that you gain spiritual/emotional strength from it x

topbannana (GREAT name) you sound a lovely person and I am sure the church are delighted to have you and your family attending. But even if you were not lovely I would very much hope they would not frown on anyone or judge them for any lack of knowledge!

It is fine to attend church when you like, it is God's house, not the vicar's!

The 'Rev' you mention is probably the vicar or the curate (a kind of trainee vicar) or could be a rector or team vicar or..... all names which kind of mean minister ... someone who ministers to people or a priest ... someone who helps people to get closer to God. If you really want to know his job title it is probably on the church noticeboard and website but it doesn't matter. At least he is warm and welcoming and that is great.

PERSONALLY, (IMHO) I would not encourage or discourage your son from being baptised at this stage, I would wait for him to say what he would like to do or not do. When our DD was born we attended a C of E church and chose to dedicate her as a baby (which means we prayed a few prayers up the front of church one Sunday to say that we would bring her up in a Christian home - so really we dedicated ourselves to that rather than her!!). Now we attend a free church (kind of Baptist church) where people are normally baptised as adults by being dunked in a water, like in a mini swimming pool! When DD is older she will decide for herself what is right for her. I think this is the best way but many friends I know had their babies baptised as infants. Christening is just another name for baby baptism really.

I would not worry about the heavy religious stuff, I would enjoy the bits you enjoy, if some things do challenge you, or interest or concern you, I would chat to people and see what others think and of course ask God about them by praying - no formal words required for a prayer just 'what was all that about God!?' might be appropriate.

No one in the church will be an expert in everything 'religious' - even the Rev!

In the midst of all this I would ask God to reveal himself more to you and help you to connect with him more - when you are there and when you are not. But that is what I would do, and you may just enjoy the welcoming atmosphere.

Whatever you do, please do not be put off by a fear that others know more or will judge you, if anyone does judge you, just ignore it, the church should be full of people who are loving towards God and each other, but we are all human and no one is perfect so if you ever do feel anything negative just remember they are all human too.

All best wishes.