Buddhists - I have a question about applying philosophy to real life situation!

[GhostOfAWasp]

Hello,

I've recently been reading a lot about Buddhism, visiting my local centre for teachings and am trying to incorporate a lot of the teachings and practices into my life. I'm struggling with practically applying some of it to a real life situation and I wondered if I could get someone's take on it please?

I have a terrible relationship with my father and stepmother and have come to the point where the relationship broke down completely and I have chosen to tell them that if they aren't interested in acknowledging the problems and working through to resolve them, then it's best that they don't contact any of us at all.

It's basically self preservation. I don't want our lives being constantly drawn into their arguments and dramas, and I don't want to give them the opportunity to lie to my children and manipulate them. (My SM has already tried to cause trouble between DH and I, fortunately he knows me and knows that she is lying, but my very young children might be more easily influenced.) They have shown absolutely no interest in resolving things but make a lot of noise to other people about us "stopping them seeing the children", when actually they haven't had a relationship with them for years when there was actually nothing stopping them.

I'm just wondering how this fits in with notions of loving kindness and forgiveness? My actions may seem at odds with this philosophy but I believe that I am protecting my family unit. Any thoughts?

Bunping in case there are any Buddhists lurking about...

A difficult one! There is the old story about Buddha suggesting to a snake that he be kinder and forgiving. A few months later the snake had gone from being smooth and sleek and well padded to a skinny tatty old thing where the other animals had started having a go at him. The snake remonstrated with Buddha to say it had not worked and was told that no one had told him not to hiss. I think the kindness has to extend to your own family and yourself as well as your father and setpmother. If their actions cause them, and you and your family distress then the kindest thing to do is to withdraw from the relationship to some extent - if you are accepting of your motivation and know it is not out of spite or for revenge I don't think you can do more. Do you do the loving kindness meditation? The one where you start with lovely kind thoughts for the people you like and then move on through the people you find more difficult right up to anyone you might even label an enemy? I have actually felt real physical discomfort when I have got down the list in the past, but it does help take the heat out of your feelings.

Hi Ghost - this subject has come up in discussions at the Buddhist group I go to on more than one occasion. Also, my father had similar problems with his parents and cut off all contact eventually (which for him, was the only option). I think that if you have done everything you can to engage with them and it hasn't got anywhere, and that if your children's well-being is at risk, then I would take a step back (it sounds like you have done this already). As for no contact at all, that is not an easy decision.

One of the most important teachings of Buddhism is 'metta' or 'loving-kindness' (some people have tried other English terms to explain this such as 'engaged friendliness' - 'compassion' is also a good word to convey the meaning). If you feel as if you really have to stop contact to protect your children, marriage etc. then try to do it so that you do not carry anger / hatred / ill-will around with you. Metta meditation can help with this (as can the 'letting-go' that happens in other meditation practices).

Sorry I can't help you out any more !

Hello - sorry for the delay in replying, I've had a (very uncharacteristic!) week off MN!

higgle thank you, that story is really interesting, i've not heard that one before. I think you're right, it's all about perspective really, it might look like I'm not acting with loving kindness towards my father but at least I am protecting my family.

cockneydad I'm going to work on that meditation but I think it will be a very long drawn out process. I've recently discovered an awful lot of things that they've done that I didn't know about, and I still get flashbacks to how they behaved when I was young, and now I have my own children I find it even harder to forgive. I just can't imagine treating my DCs how they treated me. Long road ahead, I think.

I do sometimes wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing by my children, but it would be a very big leap of faith to let them near my children. Not that they would be physically at risk (although they have been known to be fairly blasé with regard to their safety!) but it's how they relate to them and what they would say that concerns me. I truly hope that I am acting out of concern for us and not out of spite or need for revenge. I just don't practically see how we can all have a relationship at this moment in time, and to be honest they don't seem interested in anything beyond the superficial, and never have done. So I'm wondering if I should just let them swan in once a year and flash the cash at the kids?

Hi Ghost - it sounds like you have had a tough time with this - all you can is what is right for your and your family - it might well be a long road, it can take a lot of work and time to forgive (or not be actively angry) towards those that have made things hard for us. Metta practice could help I think. As well as remembering that for much of the time people operate on 'autopilot' or from a place of egoic thinking and that their lack of awareness often results in much suffering for themselves and others. Being mindfulness of this and remembering that you are trying to do the right thing will help. Also, the old buddhist idea that anger/ill will towards others is like throwing a hot coal at them - it burns you as well as them! All you can do is work on it. Hope that helps and that you can 'find some peace' for yourself.

Hello. I do sometimes try to console myself with the fact that they really must have a hard time in life - like you say that have zero self awareness (I'm actually not sure that my father doesn't have some sort of autistic or aspergers tendencies) and if anyone does things differently to them, they get really threatened and defensive. That must be a fairly shit way to live. But then I wonder if by pitying them I'm being patronising? Plus it's quite hard to feel very sorry for people who bugger off on holiday every other month...