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Original poster

I've started at a different church than my husband. Views please.

21 replies

mumo3g · 13/06/2012 22:40

When I married my husband I wasn't that mature in my Christian faith. He was born in a catholic family and I thought when I married him that we believed the same thing. I've been brought up in a Salvation Army family. He didn't go to church since he was 18 till he met me at the age of 33. He started going with me.

We moved area and although we started at the salvation army it was too far and we found a church closer to us.

We went to spring harvest together and he went to the "Just looking" events there but not to the main ones. I thought this was because he was used to a more relaxed way of worship and didn't relate to it.

We got home and it was then I realized that he didn't believe in the basics of Christianity. Like Jesus is the only way to heaven and God instances (he puts it down to luck).

Now I feel I have got to a point in my walk with God that I have to move church. I have to be stretched. The church that we have been attending together don't use all the gifts of the spirit. The church I feel that God wants me to attend does.

My husband wants to stay at the original church because he feels a commitment to there because he is in the maintenance team. I feel he is wanting to go there because of works not cos of his relationship with God as he hasn't given his life to Christ as of yet. (I might be wrong but he hasn't made any indication of this)

We are both supportive of each other and I feel that he can develop his relationship with God and others without me looking over his shoulder.

In both churches though they recon I should be staying with him in church. Now we are on different pages on this and I feel if he was told he should be with me he wouldn't be going anywhere because of people judging him. He wants me to be happy and doesn't understand the spiritual side of it anyway. He's blind to it.

what do you think?

OP posts:
SeventhEverything · 13/06/2012 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeathRobinson · 13/06/2012 22:50

I think if you both are happy to be in different churches, why not do that? I don't really understand why both churches want to keep you together in the same church? Confused

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 13/06/2012 22:51

I think there is nothing wrong with being part of more than one church community, and you don't have to go to the same place every week. Go with your DH to the place he is finding edifying for himself, but maybe once a month, or however frequenty works for you, either skip that church and go to the other place instead, or have a Sunday where you go to both a morning service with DH and an evening service elsewhere.

BertieBotts · 13/06/2012 22:52

I think SeventhHeaven has a point, but I think that maybe that's okay? Your faith is obviously very important to you.

I think go to the new church. Allow your husband some time to make up his own mind, but ultimately from what you post here it sounds as though your faith is very much stronger than his, and although in time his faith may reach the level yours is at, it is also important to be aware that it may not. How would you feel if that were to be the case? Would you still be able to be supportive of each other?

If you can accept that you have different views about religion then it wouldn't be a problem at all, IMO. It would be a problem if you are hoping/expecting that he will eventually follow you, if he does not.

Have you spoken to anybody at your church about this? Perhaps they may be able to help a little more.

BertieBotts · 13/06/2012 22:55

Oh, sorry, I missed the last paragraph. Both churches think you should stay? Do they not think he should follow you, then as an equal option? It seems either would involve some sacrifice from the other.

ThreadWatcher · 13/06/2012 23:15

The bible teaches (dont ask me where cos I cant remember right now!) that you should put God first, husband second, then children, then work.

So I think that yes you should put your need to worship God in your preferred way high up on your list of priorities BUT you are also married so I think you need to take you dh's wishes/needs into consideration too -being 'yoked' together as you are.

Long term the two of you going to separate churches is very unlikely to be a good thing. You will not be together as a team, conflict of interests. Your children will also have divided loyalties.

I dont know what the solution is though, but I definitely wouldnt rush off to the other church.

I do think a lot of talking with your dh would be better
And a lot of praying about the right way forward.

Original poster
mumo3g · 13/06/2012 23:21

In both churches they are for and against my move. Mostly where God wants me though. Which is important to me.

I know that I can't push my husband to join me and I wouldn't want to. Another contributing factor of me going to the other church is that my daughters want to go there too. At first I was of the opinion of "well as long as you are going somewhere and you feel you can worship God that is fine" I was made to go to church and although I'm glad I went as a child it should have been up to me when I got older. Which it eventually did. With my parents blessing. I didn't want my children to get turned off church because they didn't relate to it.

SeventhHeaven when we first got together he knew that my faith in God was important to me. That's why he supported me by going to church with me. He still know's it's important to me.

BertieBotts if I have come to realise that only God can change a man's/woman's heart. When I see Jesus face to face I won't be there with my husband or anyone else. I'll be on my own. That doesn't mean I don't care about my husband, of course I do but I have to leave it in God's hands.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumo3g · 13/06/2012 23:32

ThreadWatcher I certainly am not rushing off to the new church. I've been on this journey since the start of April. I've done a lot of praying on it and It's much clearer to me that it's where I should be.

OP posts:
ThreadWatcher · 13/06/2012 23:49

Sorry I didnt mean to suggest you were 'rushing' in a rude way - just take your time!
FWIW I have been uncertain of my 'place' at my current church since before Christmas - so since April doesnt seem very long! (not that its a competition :o )

If you are clear that you should be at the other church thats great - but Im concerned that you are leaving your dh behind? I think it may be worth taking things a lot more slowly and hoping your dh will be ready to make the change with you.

Once you are settled at the new church and know everybody etc, it will be much much harder for you dh to find his place there (if he does eventually join you) because he will be new but you wont be any more.

BackforGood · 14/06/2012 00:04

I agree with Heads. Why not go on alternate Sundays, or to one in the morning and one in the evening, or however the 'sharing' works out best for you. That way you can both be together and both be in your preferred setting some of the time.
Alternatively, then go to separate Churches. I know more than one couple that do this, and are perfectly happy with it.

crescentmoon · 14/06/2012 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsoldbatty · 14/06/2012 22:20

i don't think there's any right or wrong here. it's what works best for your family and personal faith... i'm married to a priest. we've just moved and i'm taking some time out from being a clergy spouse by going to a different church for a while. it's finding the right balance for everyone...may be the idea of splitting the weeks in different places is a good compromise?

sashh · 15/06/2012 07:33

In both churches though they recon I should be staying with him in church.

OK cynical atheist here but..............

Of course both churches want you both - it means they get two bums on seats and not 1. They are also both probably thinking that if you go to different churches one will eventually follow the other.

Original poster
mumo3g · 15/06/2012 09:01

Thank you for your responses on this topic. It's been interesting seeing the different views. I guess there isn't a right or wrong answer on this one.

I can't go to both. Both churches have a series of sermons and they last a month or sometimes two. If I miss a week it's o.k as they recap from the week before. But it doesn't allow for me taking a break from church every once in a while to visit family etc. Also the sermons often link from one topic to the other in sorts. Going to the morning service at one while going to the evening service at the other is the way I started there. But I felt it was time to start at the morning services at the new church. I need to have relationships with people. People that I can be accountable to and help. I can't do that with going to both. Relationships take time to develop.

OP posts:
ClaireBunting · 15/06/2012 21:52

I think that it is OK, not ideal, to go to different churches, but to regularly pop up at the other, for example a service every month or two, or to belong to a home group, or to go to bible study/prayer group.

If you go to a church that has a sermon series, chances are they put all their sermons online so that you can catch up.

I think a problem that some couples have is where it comes to giving - time, talents and financial. If you both go to church, however, you will simply split your giving between the two churches.

If you read Ecclesiastes, you will see that there is a time, place, season for everything. You might be going through a season where one of you may need to serve and worship in a particular way. After a few years, the season may change, and you may once again come together.

I would recommend that you join the same home group, or at least have family devotions together.

"My fathers house has many rooms"

NovackNGood · 15/06/2012 23:24

When you talk about the new church uses al the gifts of the spirit what do you mean?

Original poster
mumo3g · 17/06/2012 20:06

Clairebunting

  1. he has no desire to go to a bible study/prayer group.
  2. Yes one church has their podcasts online the other doesn't.
  3. We work together so have a joint income that is split between us. He doesn't believe in tithing but he allows me to tithe with my half.
  4. refer to 1, he doesn't want to read the bible or have family devotions with me.

NovackNGood

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_gift

OP posts:
abbyabbet · 16/08/2023 21:26

I am facing the same thing. I believe God is leading me to let him go to the Catholic Church and that at this point it makes no difference since I am not even sure if he is born again. I need to be fed which is going to change the game for both of us. It is sometimes ok to go some where else

Catinabeanbag · 19/08/2023 21:22

I don't think it's an issue to go to different churches, if that's what works for you. I know of a couple where one's catholic, one's cofe and they go to different churches. It seems to work fine for them, so I don't see why it can't for others. Maybe it's a case of 'not putting a stumbling block' in front of another believer (or near believer) by insisting they go to the same church as you, or vice versa?

meanderingbrook · 19/08/2023 22:07

This is a pretty old thread but nether the less this seems particularly apt:

"2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." (Ephesians 4:2-6 NIV)

How then can we be letting particular styles of worship and traditions from within the church divide us?

meanderingbrook · 20/08/2023 08:04

@abbyabbet, I am not baptised as Roman Catholic but have been reading about some of the doctrine of the church. I came across this which might be of some comfort to you, speaking of the charismatic movement within the Catholic Church

"1992, Pope John Paul II stated
At this moment in the Church's history, the Charismatic Renewal can play a significant role in promoting the much-needed defense of Christian life in societies where secularism and materialism have weakened many people's ability to respond to the Spirit and to discern God's loving call. Your contribution to the re-evangelization of society will be made in the first place by personal witness to the indwelling Spirit and by showing forth His presence through works of holiness and solidarity.[34]
Moreover, during Pentecost 1998, the Pope recognized the essential nature of the charismatic dimension:
"The institutional and charismatic aspects are co-essential as it were to the Church’s constitution. They contribute, although differently, to the life, renewal and sanctification of God’s People. It is from this providential rediscovery of the Church’s charismatic dimension that, before and after the Council, a remarkable pattern of growth has been established for ecclesial movements and new communities."[35]l

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/CatholicCharismaticc_Renewal

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