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Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Have had a weird feeling of wanting to go to church.

22 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 10/06/2012 22:56

I'm the most unreligious person ever. Both my parents are church goers though.

Went to a wedding at the weekend and just really enjoyed the reading, talking to the vicar afterwards, etc. Can you just start turning up? Will I be interrogated by the village vicar? Dh is very anti religion so not sure how to tell him.

OP posts:
misslinnet · 10/06/2012 23:26

Most churches are happy for people to just turn up.

You might get interrogated in a friendly way though.
First time DH & I went to our local church, we were very enthusiastically greeted by the small congregation - lots of questions about had we just moved here, was 4 month old DS christened, where had we lived before etc etc. We think they wanted us to feel welcomed so that we'd come again Smile

Tuo · 10/06/2012 23:38

Hi Viva... I would say 'just go'. You should not be interrogated... No, wait, you will not be 'interrogated' (in the sense that no-one will stop you and ask what exactly you believe in and how, why, where and when...). It may be that no-one will ask you anything at all, but if they do it will just be because they are being friendly. If someone says 'Oh, I haven't seen you here before', it's not because they are questioning your right to be there, it's just because they are pleased to see you/curious/trying to include you... and you can just say something like 'No, I don't usually come, but I thought I'd come along today'. I started going to church a couple of years ago, and at first I lived in fear of being asked why I was there, especially at first when I really wasn't sure what, if anything, I did believe. But it's OK... and it's also OK to go along as someone who's unsure and wants to find out more. I know how hard it is to get past that first hurdle though. (I spent about 10 years or so at the stage you're at now, so I really really don't underestimate how hard it is to take the first step!)

My dh is also very anti... He tolerates my going to church, but doesn't like it. I just told him that it was something that I wanted to do, that it was important to me, that I knew how he felt and respected his views, but that I would like to ask him to be tolerant, at least, and - in particular - not to disparage religion in front of the children (they know he doesn't believe, but he has been pretty good about holding back on the sarcasm in front of them). I view it like anything on which we disagree: e.g. he has musical tastes which I find deeply annoying not-to-my-taste... but I don't say 'Why are you playing that hideous racket again?', I just accept that he likes something that I don't. I think all you can do in this case is say, honestly, 'this is something I'd like to explore' and explain that you are not asking him to come with you or to change his views, but only to accept that it's something you'd like to do for you....

Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 10/06/2012 23:47

Yes you can just turn up.
There are lots and lots of different kinds of churches (even within one strand of the church, not all CofE places are the same) so if the first one you go to is offputting in some way, you don't have to give up, try another until you find somewhere you feel comfortable.
You're more likely to be grilled (gently) by fellow attendees. The vicar will be swamped by half the congregation who just want to quickly tell him/her something while he/she is trying to get at the after-service coffee, and will be unlikely to be allowed a moment's leisure to say hello. They will only be asking about you so as to make you feel welcome though, you won't have to justrify yourself!!

Migsy1 · 11/06/2012 07:36

If you choose a Catholic Church you will be perfectly safe. No-one will even notice you Wink

CheerfulYank · 11/06/2012 07:40

Of course you can just turn up! Hope you enjoy it. :)

VivaLeBeaver · 11/06/2012 10:45

Thanks for the reassurance. Will give it a go in the next couple of weeks - can I wear jeans?

OP posts:
misslinnet · 11/06/2012 10:56

Most people in our church tend to dress on the formal side - i.e. smart trousers / skirts with shirt / smart top.

But I've worn jeans to church without anyone making an issue out of it or giving me funny looks.

weegiemum · 11/06/2012 11:24

I often wear jeans and dh always does. But our church (baptist) is on the relaxed-pastor-with-open-necked-shirt side, modern music, a bit happy clappy. You can get quite a good feel for what a church is like from it's website, if you want to check it out ahead of time.

Tuo · 11/06/2012 15:02

Wear whatever you want. I go to an Anglican cathedral and people wear everything from smart suits and hats to jeans, t-shirts and flip-flops (not so much the flip-flops just recently, as it has been freezing!)... no-one turns a blind eye. Honestly, people will just be happy to see you. Enjoy!

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 11/06/2012 18:58

I always wear jeans to church - and sometimes they are grubby too if I've had a difficult week. I count it a success to be out of the house at all. Most of the older generation wear something a bit smarter but casual is perfectly fine (I think there would be a slight eyebrow raised at strapless tops and masses of clevage on show but people would probably be too polite to say anything)

Tuo I think you're getting confused between batting an eyelid (noticing something) and turning a blind eye (chosing to pretend not to notice something) - certainly no one would bat an eyelid at jeans in church.

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 11/06/2012 19:00

(not that anyone suggested that about strappy top & cleveage of course, just trying to find an example of where any putative line might be drawn)

tuffie · 11/06/2012 19:24

Yes just go along and enjoy it and as Heads says, do try different churches as everyone has different preferences. There are always new faces at our church and they are always made to feel welcome but not in an over the top way.
I was running late one day and turned up in my gym gear ! Lots of people, including myself, wear jeans, so you don t need to fish out your tweed skirt !

VivaLeBeaver · 11/06/2012 19:52

Excellent, jeans, jumper, no strappy tops. Grin

OP posts:
Tuo · 11/06/2012 20:27

Oh Blush! I am reasonably articulate normally, honest! (I was just on my way into a difficult work meeting. That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.)

I meant what she ^ said, of course... Not what I said, which was the opposite. [Tuo ties self in big knot].

Blush Blush Blush

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 11/06/2012 21:01

Here you go Tuo Wine

DutchOma · 11/06/2012 21:15

I'm sure you are much in need of that Wine Tuo.
I think Beaver that you probably are a bit surprised at yourself at wanting to go to church, but once you start going and get over that initial hurdle that Tuo mentions, you will find that it is the most natural thing in the world and not a bit 'weird'

Tuo · 11/06/2012 21:21

Ah, thank you for all the Wine... [falls over] [hic]!

Totally agree with DO. I couldn't imagine not going now...!

VivaLeBeaver · 12/06/2012 11:42

And one thing I thought of last night was going to an Alpha course. I've read in the past that Alpha is a bit cult-ish but have been googling and seen that that the ArchBishop of Canterbury approves of them so I'm guessing they can't be bad. Any opinions?

OP posts:
HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 12/06/2012 15:14

Alpha courses were originally designed to be firmly in the direction of the evangelical-fundamentalist end of the church, though more recently it has become more usual for them to be adapted to be used by other sections of the church. Personally I would run a mile from any church that even offered them, but that is more about where my tastes lie in the spectrum.

Generally, churches (and christians for that matter) can be anywhere on a spectrum of liberal-to-fundamentalist (i.e. "it's OK to believe what you feel in your heart is your truth and it's fine if that doesn't fit with official doctrine so long as you have thought about it properly" vs "all the answers are here in the Bible and this is the list of things which proper Christians believe") and can also be anywhere on a spectrum of worship styles from guitars, drums and Graham Kendrick choruses, very little liturgy (the "script" of a service) but more freeform prayers which are more likely to be inspired of-the-moment rather than composed in advance vs the traditional format with priests in robes, incense, traditional prayers and hymns. You can't usually tell where a church is on the lib/fund spectrum from worship style, although there is slightly more likelyhood that a more traditional worship style will have more liberal theology this is by no means a rule.

Alpha courses are designed to be a low-pressure non-threatening introduction to the church, but they do have a fairly fixed idea of what the answers to the questions should be and whilst discussion around a topic isn't quashed (respecting everyone's views is an integral principal), in a normal non-adapted course the conclusion will be presenting the "doctrinally correct" answer as "this is what Christians believe" - even though quite a lot of people who consider themselves Christian would not necessarily agree.

I wouldn't describe them as cult-ish. They probably get that reputation from the optional "weekend away" part of the course which, again depending on the leader, will typically involve encouraging people to seek to be filled with the Holy Spirit and speak in "tounges". I don't think they encourage the more skeptical course attendees to even join in this bit - someone I know who had kept his mouth shut about his skepticism and gone along with everything to see where it led came away from this weekend convinced that they were a bunch of loonies and would definitely descibe it as a cult in his opinion!

I wouldn't describe them as "bad" - and if you feel that you'd like to do it then by all means go ahead. Just, if you come out of it thinking "if that is what the church is like then it's not for me" or "if that is what I have to believe in order to be accepted then I'm not sure I can do it" then please understand that there are plenty of other parts of the church too which are equally striving towards God in a different way, following different paths which are also valid.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/06/2012 15:22

Heads thank you that was very interesting.

Viva I was like you, started going to a mum-and-baby group in the local church hall when DD1 was a baby, then found myself getting curious and thinking about it. Going along to the services was one of the best things I ever did - everyone was so warm and welcoming and lovely. It really helps that ours is a very family-oriented church (the vicar and his wife have 5 children, ages 6 to 15). DH never joins us, not even at Easter or Christmas, saying "I'm a Christian but I don't believe in organised religion". Whatever. He is happy for the 3 of us to go though.

I agree with finding a church you like. Pop along to your local parish church as a first step, but if you don't like it try the next one over!

MamaMary · 12/06/2012 15:29

Alpha is not cultish. It's an introduction to Christianity. I don't understand the cultish label - is it the meeting in small groups, or the emphasis on the Holy Spirit (which has been criticised)? Anway, it's done globally and is quite mainstream now - even Catholic churches do it.

If you turned up at my church, someone would talk to you, but in some churches no one will talk to you. They're all different - so I would repeat the advice of others and don't be put off by an unfriendly bunch.

madhairday · 12/06/2012 18:21

Alpha courses in my experience have been very laid back and given people a good opportunity for discussion and questions etc. But different courses are run with different emphases.

OP, hope you enjoy the experience and it's comfortable and friendly for you. wear whatever you like - I'd happily wear strappy tops with cleavage but it's generally too bloody freezing Grin

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