Hi
I'd really like to hear from any Christian stepparents (esp biological parents) who might empathize with my situation. A few weeks ago I moved city leaving friends, family, colleagues (I work from home now) and all familiar references to be with my Christian fiance who is a custodial single dad of a 12 yo. We are in our early 40s and I don't have children.
We lived together when I moved because my landlord announced at the 11th hour that my room was not going to be free for 3 weeks, which became 7 weeks. Only this week have I moved into my own space in a house share - feels like being a student again.
That 7 weeks has seen pressure like no other. My presence and stuff at his place, little comments from the daughter that, when I've mentioned them to him, have set him asking if this will really work? Lots of withdrawal on his part. Lots of me asking him where we are, now that I've moved following his proposal. Wedding postponed. Weight loss. Some barbed words. Lots of anger, tears, resentment, depression on my part. Signed off work. Seeing a counsellor from next week. It seems that the 7 weeks was a real test to show us what we'll be up against.
My fiance gets on with his daughter's mother who is daily in the child's life since she picks her up from school and drops her off home a little later. As parents they never married, breaking up before the child was born, so whilst she's close to both, she has never known her parents to be together - (although naturally that's something she has in the past expressed wanting). All of us adults are born again Christians. The child also has a huge heart for God - saying recently she's ready for baptism. I do get on with the daughter - no major issues there - there is a bond developing, but I do expect challenges down line, my fiance and I are stepchildren too! We've done the marriage prep and our local church will be able to introduce us to other step-families.
My fiance is loving, supportive, generous. We have both said that we want it to work but have opened up about our fears. For him that there could be problems with me and his daughter and whether we are called to be together. For me that he will not work at the marriage at a deep level and that our own emotional stuff will get in the way. He was briefly married to an unbeliever and they divorced about 9 years ago. I know this (as well as his parents volatile marriage in the early years) plays on his mind.
Right now we've agreed to just rediscover each other - go on dates again etc. But to be totally honest, I do feel enery depleted and now I'm in my own physical space I feel I want to just discover this new town with him but by myself too - I notice I'm withdrawing from him as I try to put down roots. I went to his house for dinner tonight. Another parent came by later to pick up her daughter who had been playing over. I kept up with the parent talk on school trips, muddy clothes, artwork and it was when he enthusiastically mentioned plans to put all his daughter's pictures in a huge long frame on the wall - that I felt a strong pang. Of course he should express his love and plans for her. But I felt - not for the first time - like a third wheel, an outsider. OUR future plans seem a lot less certain.
I'm not sure I even have a question - and I'm sorry it's a long post. I simply feel a bit fragile - so no harsh judgements please! :-/