How do I cope with/stop them from hating me?

[TheyHateMe]

My MIL and SIL both dislike me, SIL is very jealous; even more so when me and dp had a baby last year. She has been trying for 2 years without success. MIL knows she doesnt like me but ignores the fact, and sometimes indulges her behaviour. Our dd was born on her birthday and she resented this aswell.
I get very upset about this regularly, often crying and feeling hopeless and worthless and feel so depressed if I have to see them.
Please can anyone tell me if there is a way of either coping with this, or perhaps through some kind of positive thinking I can encourage peace in their minds, particularly SIL.

Hi. I hope some poster will come along with the advice you are looking for. Spirituality and positive thinking is not really my thing, but I didn't want to see your post go unanswered as you sound very unhappy.

I am sure there is lots of positive things you can do to make you feel better about this quite unpleasant situation you find yourself in. I am equally sure that your DP/DH can also help you feel better. However, I would be wary of trying to "help" your SIL or your MIL. I think if they are being unpleasant to you, you have every right to tell them that this is unacceptable ( and so should yourDH). But you can't really expect to change them, which is sad and upsetting, but you are likely to get hurt if you try harder to be liked and you might find yourself and your actions being misinterpreted or even twisted in wayside never expected.

I am really sorry you are in this horrible situation.

ways you

Sorry, I hit post and not preview.

You can choose not to see them you know. Tell your dh to take your dd to visit them and just have nothing to do with them. Your dh should not be allowing this behaviour from them because it's making you so unhappy and depressed. He should be supporting you. If he can't manage to do that, then just refuse to have anything to do with them. You're an adult and entitled to have a peaceful life without this kind of nasty behaviour.

Very sad to hear how this is making you feel. There isn't much you can do to change the way other people are op, but you can change how you respond to it. If the way you are being treated is making you feel worthless, maybe look at why you are judging your worth by other people would be a place to start - they should not have this sort of power over you.

I also wonder if your mil and sil really know how bad they are making you feel - people often don't realise how much their behaviour can impact, particularly on a sensitive soul. It may be worth just being straight up with them about what this is doing to you. Otherwise, like has been said, is it something your dp could address with them? Is your dp aware of the situation or do you try to hide how it makes you feel?

If everything is out in the open and you've done what you can and they continue to treat you badly then I think you have every reason to disassociate from them. I would then work hard to become strong and happy, so that you no longer give a toss what they think. hth.

This sounds very painful. I take it your SIL is a grown woman and therefore able to control this unacceptable and unkind behaviour? She's not a child so should control herself. This sounds like bullying tbh, particularly as your MIL does nothing about it and sometimes indulges it.

Have you ever had any counselling? It is good as a means of working out why the behaviour of these women is affecting you so much that you are regularly crying about it and feeling worthless - have you been disrespected before by people who mattered to you before? If so, this could be hitting on an old wound iyswim.

I agree that if people treat you badly it would make sense to distance yourself from them - why should you expose yourself to people who don't respect you? You have a right to be valued by the people you associate with - the problem is theirs, not yours. Does your partner support you? Would he support you if you chose to distance yourself from your MIL and SIL?

Thankyou for your replies x

Im actually about to receive counselling for self esteem issues going way back to when I was a child. SIL is so subtle with her digs it is difficult to address the behaviour outright (never sending me a birthday card, sometimes blatantly ignoring me but chatting animatedly to everyone else if we are with the rest of the family, she text dp while i was in labour asking if I could "keep the baby in til after her birthday so they didnt share it!" he told her to grow up).
Dp just ignores her and tells me I should too. I struggle with this as although I dont see her often, I hate the idea of someone disliking me so much and not being able to do anything about it.
The childishness should just make me laugh... perhaps with the counselling I can see all this from a different perspective.

I think you will OP. She sounds absolutely horrible, what you describe is just vile. Her problem - counselling will really help you to see that!

I hope the counselling will helo you deal with this. I can only suggest that perhaps you disliking the idea of your SIL hating you is perhaps because you secretly worry that in fact that there is a reason for her to feel like that and so you agonise and scrutinise your behaviour looking for ways to "make things better". I say this because this is what I would do and not because i want to criticise you. I also say this because I have learnt that this is about my self-esteem. Having low self-esteem means you are ready to think the worst if yourself at any hint of criticism. And that you want desperately for everyone to like you.
From what you say about your SIL and your DH's opinion of her, it seems to me that she is the problem and not you. The fact that she is horrible to you does not reflect badly on you, but rather on her. I know it is very hurtful, but I do think that instead if worrying about the idea of her hating you, you might be better trying to think about how you would regard this if it was your DH and not you being the one insulted. I don't think you would be so worried about your DH's role or behaviour because you would immediately see that your SIL was being unreasonable and unpleasant. If you can detach yourself from the situation like that, it might make it easier for you to ignore SIL without feeling guilty or worrying about what she thinks about you.