praying for people you dislike

[guffaw]

I was advised that when I had a problem with someone, to pray for something good to happen for them, how much prayer do you think it takes until you mean it? (feeling a bit of a failure)

springydaffs, I'm by no means 'good' - I'm a sinner in soooo many ways, (some of which I cant repent over because I enjoy them so much!! ) I think that in my heart I just want 'x' or 'y' to disappear off the face of the earth, but also know that this is something I should fight against, hence wanting to mean it when I pray for something good for them, I guess that if something good happens, they will be happy and get off my case!

you've hit the nail on the head re. being hurt and needing to understand/forgive, but I think I need to turn it round and look at what I've done to hurt them, that would make them want to hit back iyswim?

thank goodness God really knows what I'm thinking and what I need, I think I need to pray for some insight so that I know this too!

What I mean by being 'good' is that you are setting an incredibly high bar imo. You say you want and aim to be like Jesus - well, yes, but only he can do that in you! You can't possibly do it yourself. You can want to but that's about it, that's as far as it goes.

Your OP sounds tortured in a way that is painful to read (let alone live - I can't imagine ) Also re wanting x or y 'off the face of the earth' - that is a very strong statement and suggests you may have been deeply hurt by them? If so, forgiveness isn't going to happen in a day imo and, in cases of deep abuse for example, could well be a lifetime's work.

I personally think forgiveness is, simply and at base, letting go and giving to God. With some people you may have to do that over and over for the rest of your life but imo God knows what they did to you and that that will be hard. However, as it's us who get damaged by unforgiveness he'll be keen to get that unforgiveness off you - again, it's his work, he will do it. All we have to do it want it, not do it (we can't!)

I don't think forgiveness is feeling chummy and warm, necessarily. In fact, in cases where we have been seriously damaged by people then that is simply not realistic and is actually inhumane and mad. imo you don't have to pray for nice things to happen to them. God knows what he's doing and how to deal with them, we don't. One way I see forgiveness is getting out of the way so God can do his stuff...

Praying to have the heart to forgive someone is for our benefit not thiers. If we don't forgive others than God would not forgive us. And we all need forgives because no one is perfect expect God alone. Forgiveness is not a feeling it is a decision. Without it our heart can be filled with bitterness and anger. The bible says we should not fret because of evil deeds people may do to us. Don't plot evil, god is our vindicator and he will get justice for us. We need to pray for our enemies and westle in pray until our heart is right before God. I pray every day for god to give me supernatural abilities to forgive those who have hurt me and will hurt me. It takes a daily commitment.

Hand on a minute: we are forgiven, period. If we willfully hold on to unforgiveness, resolutely have no intention of letting it go, then, yes, we block our relationship with God. OP, you are not in that position: you want to forgive. That's as good as it gets. In fact, you can give your unforgiveness to God for him to hold until it blossoms into true forgiveness. I find that it happens without me realising it and then, one day, I realise that that knot has gone, because I gave it to him to do.

I completely agree that praying to be able to forgive is for my benefit - I hate feeling hurt and angry, it makes me feel really bad about myself, I do want to forgive, because I want to feel better, at peace, and because I have no right to not forgive, I need - and accept - forgiveness for myself.

I try to understand why someone acts in the way they do, but I take responsiility for what I do, and feel that other people also make choices to behave as they do, regardless of their past or present circumstances.

I see in my statements above a selfish and hypocritical tendancy, (which I know I have, and am working on).

These responses are really making me search myself and think things through -I think I've been more able to be honest here than in my Church group, and to be fair my group are pretty open and supportive.

I would take issue with you 'feeling really bad about yourself' because you feel hurt and angry. I think it may be an idea to feel some compassion for yourself? When compassion comes into the mix, the whole thing eases. See it as taking yourself aside for a minute while you work the whole thing out (if your kids feel hurt and angry, do you feel really bad about them? That they shouldn't be hurt and angry?)

I agree that sometimes it helps to work out why somebody acts the way they do... but sometimes you're on a wild goose chase that only increases the hurt and anger, because the way some people behave doesn't make sense (and sometimes never will).

I would take issue with you 'feeling really bad about yourself' because you feel hurt and angry. I think it may be an idea to feel some compassion for yourself? When compassion comes into the mix, the whole thing eases. See it as taking yourself aside for a minute while you work the whole thing out (if your kids feel hurt and angry, do you feel really bad about them? That they shouldn't be hurt and angry?)

I agree that sometimes it helps to work out why somebody acts the way they do... but sometimes you're on a wild goose chase that only increases the hurt and anger, because the way some people behave doesn't make sense (and sometimes never will).

what happened there?? posted too soon and posted twice

I have found that a lot of the time one of the ways to forgive is acceptance: that person did that and I don't know why; it hurt me.

I really do bridle at your harsh words about yourself though - selfish and hypocritical (and hurt and angry)?? that's a lot of negative stuff there. Can you just accept you're hurt and angry? They're human emotions which make us essentially human. You could sit with them: I feel hurt, I feel angry: ok, that's that then. YOu could say 'God I feel hurt and I feel angry' - so far, so good - kind of just be that with him, knowing you are accepted (totally) and there is no judgement or condemnation. If you said 'that bastard did that to me and that's not fair' that's a step on - it's natural to want revenge and a process to let God do whatever he does with the person (he knows the whole story - why they did it, what was going on - and it's not always good, doesn't always stack up eg someone may hurt you because they've been hurt themselves. But sometimes someone will hurt you because they feel like it and are being cruel (power)). Whatever way, you're hurt and angry. You don't have to understand why they did it to be able to forgive them. Perhaps being hurt and angry gets us in God's lap, whereas beating ourselves up keeps us cowering in a corner trying to work it out for ourselves. Which is misery tbf, especially as God is there with all his lovely love that he is fully prepared to pour all over you.

Christians can get caught up in this idea that we're all dirty dogs. Well, not quite. He died for us for a start, so we must be worth an awful lot. Sometimes we can get caught up in this idea that if we fully realise how disgusting we are, we'll find God. I think that's the opposite way to find God because he's all gorgeous and loving and doesn't do the 'you bad dog' thing.

bit of an essay there, sorry!

What's so amazing about Grace by Philip Yancey really helped me with this. I really wanted to forgive someone but still found I hated them and couldn't really believe that they wouldn't hurt me in the same way again. I've had to realise though that forgiveness isn't a one off thing, you have to do it every day, over and over. It's an act of faith, as I think someone has already said: its saying, I'm going to trust God will judge this person and he won't let them get away with it. Prayer helps me to let go and hand it all to God.

maybe I didn't express myself well there - when I feel hurt and angry I feel bad - for example I feel churned up, sickly, tight chested, when I deal with the anger, eg let go, forgive, I feel peaceful and content, I dont give myself a hard time for feeling hurt or angry, but for 'holding on' to these feelings, iyswim?

You've got to give them time to work through though? eg if you bash your knee, it takes a while to heal. In the meantime, get on God's lap

(imo if you try to put a lid on a deep hurt before it's had the chance to work through and heal, oh boy, things get a whole lot more tricksy...)

I caught a few minutes of a programme on radio 4 this evening, Richard Chartres and others, including a woman who was working in prisons, after having been seriously attacked, she was saying that 'forgiveness' is a daily thing, and it changes every day, which helped her to unburden herself by not having to say 'I forgive' and to never have negative feelings about the event/person again.

One of the speakers said when you cant forgive, pray for God to forgive them. They were drawing comparisons to the prodigal son parable. (I really relate to the prodigal son) I found this helpful, and am going to search out the full programme on iplayer later.

forgiveness and justice are two different things imo. I have forgiven my ex's wife for trying to steal my children, but I do want justice. It's only right, after all

oh, and I do pray for her. Pray for your enemies and all that. There's something wrong with her to want to do that - and I really can't go there with the truly awful things she has done or I'd boil over - and I pray for her emotional peace and wellbeing. I have no doubt that she doesn't know what she is doing ie on one level she knows and doesn't care but on a deeper level she doesn't know or she wouldn't do it. I have to keep my peace and guard my heart or I'd be consumed with hatred for her - and what she's done is bad enough without my life being ruined by hating her (unforgiveness).

I don't pardon them, particularly; I hand it over to God; then I deal with my emotions around it with God. No holds barred there either, the full array of emotions come out then but in a safe place iyswim? ie my emotions are 'held' there. One thing I watch out for is not allowing myself to get into bitterness and vengeance - because the latter isn't my business and the former is so bad for me it's untrue! I refuse to go there because both are so destructive for my emotional and mental health (at least). No it isn't easy crescentmoon but I am/have been convinced it is the healthiest way (for me!).

OK, I've really tried to see things from this person's perspective, I've searched my own motivations, I've reminded myself that we are all made in God's image. But..

I'm totally blocked, my dislike is turning into 'active' dislike, and I'm feeling more and more unforgiving, frustrated, and downright angry, all of which are twisting into absolute guilt that I just cant understand what's going on with this person.

I just feel that I'm failing as a Christian to feel so actively negative towards this person.

This feels so spiritually unhealthy.

I see her around 5 days per week, unable to avoid contact. Not every meeting is hurtful, but only if I consciously decide to ignore some of her behaviour, which then means I am failing in standing up for other people.

I see her around 5 days per week, unable to avoid contact. Not every meeting is hurtful, but only if I consciously decide to ignore some of her behaviour, which then means I am failing in standing up for other people.

oops

that's a bit vague? esp re the 'failing to stand up for other people' ?? Can you explain?

I just don't get why you think you have to do this yourself. Or think you can do it yourself. Why not tell God what it's really like for you re this woman. Be absolutely honest, nothing held back. Tell him the truth about what's really in your heart, warts and all.

Trust him to do his job eh? He said he is the author and finisher of our faith - let him do it. Give him the raw material and leave it to him. I don't like it when I'm stuck in unforgiveness either but it does push me to trust him to work it out. You know and he knows that you want to forgive her and if you ask God for forgiveness towards her he'll give it to you eg he wouldn't give you a stone.

Sometimes, if I'm struggling under the weight of not forgiving somebody, when I go to bed and take off my jewellery and put it in a box/bowl, I take off the grievance and park it overnight too. I'm delighted if it's gone in the morning but usually it hasn't