Can't accept life - ugh

[Ohnoredundo]

This is a strange old thread so please bear with me.

Just prior to having DS1 I really started to contemplate life. It had freaked me out before (what are we, what happens when we die etc.) but never to this level.

A year on i'm hopefully coming through the must horrendous bout of postnatal anxiety. Largely my fears have centred around all those 'big questions'.

Now this sounds really strange but a lot of the time I'm actually scared to be a human being. I feel trapped in that I'm alive now but there's no escaping death. I just can't ever, ever see myself being okay with this. And sadly no one has the reassurances I need that life goes on (which is what I feel I need).

I have tried meditation and had a bit of a strange experience with it. I felt 'at one' like 'something' telling me all was going to be okay. I want to believe it was a higher power but my rational brain says otherwise.

I don't know what I'm asking really - maybe just reassurances that I haven't totally lost the plot and these worries plague not just me. And maybe a bit of direction?

well i think when you question and lose the plot, you are actually processing something and will come out the other side.

it's confronting your fears.

try looking up about Kundalini experiences, or soul moments. If you are a sensitive being, coming to terms with 'life' is tricky. Be careful when meditating, and do it gently, remembering to keep your feet firmly grounded.

lots of books out there and many people going through life assertions and crisis points that feel very deep.

hugs

I can't offer real help but I do totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I feel utterly paralysed by these sorts of feelings/ideas. They can overwhelm whatever is going on in the present for me. For me it tends to be that I can't bear the fact that time is going on, that I can't go back to times in my life, I have to keep going forwards with time, my children and I will keep growing older and it will go by so quickly. I feel terrible nostalgia for DC1's baby days (he is only coming up 4 now!) and feel like everything was better, simpler. Or I long for the time when I was first pregnant with him, because that sort of feels to me like the cut off between youth and ageing. I think it is made worse with having children because the cycle of life is presented to you and you sort of see yourself becoming the parent, and the signs of ageing are more visibly contrasted with the tiny baby/small child. It did get worse for me after a friend died young when her child was only 1, and we moved house and had our second DC about the same time, so it sort of feels like there was a watershed in summer 2009.

The other thing that paralyses me is choice over what to do in our lives, that we only get one life, all the choices about where we live and bring our children up seem so massively important. I also often become overwhelmed by the idea that there are all these other people living lives in the world simultaneously and I am not any of them, I am me, and I can only and always ever be me. I have also suffered from a weird sort of nostalgia for times before I was born and I wondered if that was to do with wanting to be safe from the progress of time, to be able to step right back from the front line.

I think that's about it for weirdness from me!

I love piratecat's idea, though, I had never thought of it like that. That is very positive, makes it feel like there may be a purpose to some of this endless questioning and fearing and that I might actually gain something from it. Hope that becomes true for you OP.

It sounds like you are struggling with a fear of the unknown/uncertainty and many people are affected by that.

Like you say it's unlikely that anyone can give you the reassurance you need in a way that your rational mind will accept because no-one knows the answers you seek.

Can you focus on trying to deal with living with the uncertainty rather than trying to answer the unanswerable? What are you actually afraid of? Can you work to put that fear into perspective or reduce it in some way.

Focusing your energy on trying to find reassurances that life goes on is never going to bring you resolution.

Thank you all for your lovely responses. I really do appreciate it.

Pirate - I'm on the Kulundi (sp?!) experience trail now. It relaxes me to research things like this as it gives me hope :) thank you

Zoo- I TOTALLY relate with all you say. The passing of time, the decisions we make - once those decisions are made, they're made - and that's scary. Yes you can move etc. but will your son's schooling be the same? Will that first Christmas be different? No! Heavy stuff. It's reassuring to know its not just me.

Arewe - in shit scared of the 'nothingness'. I love my life, I am petrified of it ending. Perhaps that's the problem: the girl who got everything she wanted! And now I'm so scared of losing it. I'm starting therapy tomorrow do really hope I can work through it.

Sorry for the typos!

I had this quite bad about a year ago.

For me, I just had to realise that our rational brains can't really be that rational because the universe, life, consciousness, everything is so baffling that our brains seem infinitesimally puny. How can we ever really know.

From the atheist scientist to the religious person, nobody knows all the secrets of the universe so it seems a bit strange to have any rigid belief system. So the trick will be learning to be happy with not knowing everything and accepting life.

It was also important for me to realise that we are all going through this, people don't really talk about it, but they are. These are the big questions and you should never feel like you are losing it for being confused and fearful.

Wooh heavy ? sorry

If i'm honest I tend believe in something 'more', and I believe that I am more than a brain and body...and maybe a smattering of reincarnation. I looked into NDE stuff which was quite interesting but maybe to be taken with a pinch of salt.

I don't know if this will help but we don't really have anything to worry about... if there is nothing then as far as we are concerned we are immortal, if there is something then brilliant, I'm going to the cloud where multiple Ryan Goslings serve cocktails and give massages.

Take care and don't worry

I understand how you feel. No idea how to help I'm afraid.

You could do some research around the subject of mindfulness mentalhealth.bangor.ac.uk/jan/mindfulness.html You don't have to follow any particular faith system to practise this. Hope you feel better soon. I sometimes have similiar feelings.

yes i think it's important to not follow some thing in particular, this is when you get confused and start thinking oh i 'should' be like this' or I 'should think that'.

I will always know and feel that questioning things is healthy, to find your own path or what feels right for you. It will come to you, this is a strong belief and a nice comforter. Just to believe in yourself.