To have my children christened?

[Moshlingmummy]

I will give you some background info...

I was christened as a baby, went to Sunday school and church fairly regularly through junior school (c of e) then church only a few times a yr til I left home at 18.

Fast forward few yrs without much thought to religion, got married but civil ceremony as dh raised atheist.

Eldest dc is now nearly 7 and asking to be christened. Have taken them to church at Easter, Christmas since they were born and before we moved to family services/ activities at the local church.

Dc are at a private school, so have RE and have religious content assemblies, say prayers and grace before meals. Dd has been through rainbows and now brownies (I am the leader) so we do all the appropriate church services, and I have just got them started at Sunday school at our new local church.

I have explained christenings to the eldest and am incident she understands. She is very curious about all faiths and we have lots of discussions, my younger dc is only 3.

However my dh doesn't get it, is quite happy for us all to go to church but doesn't come. Doesn't see the point of the children being christened. Think if I pushed it heprob would say his part ( but not believe it) ... Am just finding it hard. I have enjoyed getting back into the church, I feel so happy there, but wonder about dh's involvement in any christening.

Dd knows that daddy doesn't believe and that's his choice, and says but I do mummy.

If we do have a christening I would also like a blessing for our marriage, again dh doesn't see the point :(

Just looking for any advice, sorry for long post but wanted to avoid drip feeding.

Sorry for some typos/ wrong words am on phone

I think to an extent you need to work out what level of involvement or support you'd like from your husband, for something which is important to you whether or not he has an interest himself. It's tricky when one partner believes and wants to be involved in religion but the other isn't. But it doesn't have to become a problem if he is respectful and supportive of your choice - even if he doesn't "get" why it's any different from going to football, or yoga, he should still not be negative about your choice to do it.

He doesn't have to be involved with the christening if he doesn't believe - why not have a chat with your clergy about the possibility of a christening, and explain that DH doesn't believe. They may be able to give you options where he can be involved without saying anything about beliefs or promises, if you think it would be nice for dd to have him there.

The blessing for your marriage is a different thing - what do you think you're missing by not having had one? God knows the committment you've made to each other, whether or not you did it in a church building with a clergyperson saying the words. And God knows that you believe, and that DH does not. Would you really feel different about your marriage because you've said some words in church?

I agree with AMIS and am in a very similar situation to you. Started going to church about 18 months ago after a (very) long absence. Dh is vehemently atheist. Dd1 (nearly 12) insists that she doesn't believe and prefers to stay at home with dh on a Sunday; dd2 (10) does and comes to church with me, is a server and is now about to be confirmed.

Neither of my dds was baptised and we married in a registry office (I am divorced). They are now of the age when they are old enough to make their own decisions on this and their own promises, and dd2 is now ready to do that. I am kind of sad that they weren't baptised when they were babies, but I know that I am thinking back to then from the pov of now, which of course doesn't really make sense.

Dd2 will be baptised and confirmed at the same time. I know 100% that dh will not take any part in the service (and I would not ask him to do so) and I very much doubt that he will even attend as a 'spectator' (which I do find sad). I wouldn't ask dh to take part in the service because I know that if he were to say 'I believe and trust in Him' it would be a big fat lie, and I just don't see the point of having him do that - I don't think that it helps dd (who, like yours, knows that her dad doesn't believe); it makes dh uncomfortable; it would make me very uncomfortable; and I can't see that it'd wash with God either...!

I think that's how I'd feel in your position about the marriage too.... I just can't see what you'd gain by asking your dh to take part in something which is fundamentally meaningless to him. That doesn't mean that you (as an individual) can't ask God to bless your marriage... and your dh.

I don't know if this is helping at all. I am prone to wittering on pointlessly! But just to say that I recognise that torn feeling, and am learning to live with it, as I don't see my dh changing any time soon (or ever!). Thinking of you.

I am an atheist, so is my DH. We haven't christened our DD as she is unable to tell us if she follows a faith or not yet (13 weeks old ). Should she ever come to us and ask to be christened / baptised etc etc and follow the faith of that, then I would support her 100%. Just because I don't believe doesn't mean I can ask/force her not to.

As Tuo says it is possible and not unusual for DCs of about 12 upwards coming for conformation to also be baptised. One of the children at DHs God Daughters conformation group was.

Personally I think this is the best answer for couples where one believes and one doesn't. The child decides themselves when the minister thinks they are old enough to understand.

DH and I agreed within a few days of meeting that we were never going to agree about religion. He quietly believes and I absolutely do not. Our beliefs are so deeply rooted in our up-bringings that neither of us will ever change.

The DDs have always known that they have to make up their own minds. They go to a CofE school and to church occasionally (DD1 sings there sometimes and school and village life gets intwined with the church too)

Both have loosely believed in God for a while, but at 11 and 14 are not convinced.
(I think faith would give DD2 a sense of security that would suit her, but she just finds church boring)

Thank you for your thoughts, its good to hear from others.

I guess the other point I was trying to make but I lost track of, is that at 7 is dd truly old enough to understand her wish to be christened. I do know she loves church whether it be Sunday school, or regular church parade services. She enjoys going and discussions about other religions, happily reads her bible stories books, but I just wonder if she is old enough to see the bigger picture of what it all means. I will talk to the minister about her. My other dilemma is whether I just christen them both at once, even tho it s dd who is asking for this, as ds is too young to understand.

Dh would come to their christening, but I feel would rather not take part, which makes me sad. He would also not care either way about a bLessing for our marriage, and I suppose I feel we had a civil ceremony for him, I would like this. The problem is wanting someone to do something for you.

Startail - i think that is part of the problem, it does come from your upbringing, dh was brought up to believe its all rubbish which makes me cross, as that's not even an educated argument, I maybe would prefer there was at least thought out reasoning behind it. My parents would never push it but I know they are disappointed we haven't christened the children, as they are a big part of their church.

I would just christen your DD, tbh, as she has been given the choice so I would be of the opinion that your DS should be given that same option.

I also think your parent's could look more favourably on the situation now, as they know your DD is choosing the path, rather than being taken down it, iykwim?

DH is Catholic, and I was christened CoE but have no religious beliefs. His faith is more important to him than my non-belief is to me, so we got married in a church and have had our DC's christened as it's what he wanted. I confess to being a little uncomfortable with getting small children christened as I think faith and belief is not something that should be imposed on you. But, DH really wanted it to happen (he would never have pushed me into it though)

Re: DC's being christened. I was stood at the alter with DH and the GP's. but didn't repeat or say anything. The priest was told before the ceremony that this would be the case and he was fine with this. The GM didn't either as she is an athiest.

We've discussed what will happen as they got older. DH can take the DC's to church, but I will not go. If they ask I will tell them my POV.

OP your DD sounds like she understands what she is undertaking so let her get christened. And let your DH join in, or not, as much as he feels comfortable.

I think the 7 year old is easily old enough to be baptised. At our church (C of E) she would attend a few classes with the priest, pick a sponser and be baptised. The parents would not be making any promises as your 7 year old is not an infant. There is no need for any parental involvement in the cermony.

If you choose to baptise the 3 year old then you would have to make promises for her as a three year old cannot make that kind of choice.

I think 7 is old enough to make her own decision about being christened, so if she has an understanding of it (1 7 yo level of understanding of course) then I think you should allow her to make that choice.

I don't think you should have the 3yo christened though - that way you're taking the choice away from him, though you have let dd make her own choice. Which is inconsistent and unfair. If he later wants to, then its his choice.

With your parents I'd make the point about choice - despite your not doing it when they were babies, dd has grown up to understand and appreciate faith and make her own choice. They should applaud that, not moan about it.

I think that you dh should respect your dd's decision even if he doesn't go along with it. Atheists struggle with understanding how people can have a faith, but they shouldn't perceive it as a threat