Disillusioned with God

[HaveALittleFaithBaby]

Hi, I'm faith, well I'm trying! I've been a Christian for 14 years. I've never had it easy who has but right now I'm really struggling.
I lost my Mum to ovarian cancer over 4 years ago.18 months ago my Dad had prostate cancer. He had an operation and they thought they got it all. However, we recently found out it's come back. The prognosis is good but still....
In December, our house caught fire. It was pretty serious and the damage was extensive. I realise we were lucky to get out alive - we were asleep when it happened and we were told we only had minutes to.escape. without smoke detectors I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be here now. But we're still not home and it's really shaken us up.
Add in that we've been ttc for over two years....we do now know why there's been a problem and it's bring treated but it's so tough month after month....
I feel so disillusioned. I still believe in God. I just feel like he's not that bothered about answering our prayers. We pray together every day, twice a day.
I try to count my.blessings. I still have Dad, a great sister and I love DH very much.
I just want other Christians to tell me I'm being ridiculous - that God does love us and has a plan. Somehow, I just can't believe it myself.

We don't know why we go through these things but in the future you will make some sence of it. I haven't been through as much as you but I've have a illness which I can relate to others to. I've had a special needs child which put me in training for my job now.

My Gran used to say that the experiences we have are stepping stones to the future. I'm 42 now and yes I've been disillusioned, still get that way sometimes but I know God has and is always with me.

Are you reading your bible? On your own? I've found it helps to follow a reading plan. Not the ones where you only read one verse and then someone tells you what they think of it (their thoughts not you)

The one that helps me is the word ASPECT

You use each of the letters to help you study the bible.

You pray that the holy spirit will help you get something out of the reading. I use what I have heard on Sunday's as a starting point and enlarge to encorperate the verses around it. So for example I've just been reading Ephesians 4 and I took it bit by bit.

So anyway the word ASPECT goes like this

About God
Sin
Promise
Example
Command
Teaching

You write what you find under those topics. Sometimes you won't find something. Stick at it and you will find something to help. Try Psalm 23... you may be walking through dark times but God will bring you through.

You may find the poem "footsteps" helps too.

Hope you find that some help. I'll be praying for you.

Thank you :)
I've neglected my Bible study of late. Our routine has changed. I need to make it a priority. I have a subscription for a Bible study and a prayer journal with structured questions but a free area to write/draw whatever inspires you...I think I'll push myself to do my studdy again and use the ASPECT. I really like that. Thanks for sharing and the encouragement.

I'm not going to tell you you're being ridiculous

You're being normal. All Christians go through periods of doubt, struggle and plain disappointment with God, and if they didn't I would seriously question their faith - a blind faith is no faith at all imo. We are supposed to question and to shout at God can be healthy. I know the book of Job is a hard read but it is a good read for times when we feel things have all gone so wrong, and wonder where God is in it all - Job's comforters come up with all kinds of cliches and unsatisfactory answers, but in the end it's only God reminding Job of God's power and creativity that gives any kind of resolution.

I've been through times I've felt as you do. I have a chronic degenerative illness and I regularly ask God why God does not heal me, when God heals people I know and has healed other physical and emotional ailments in me. But I come back, again and again, to choosing to believe, choosing to follow. 'You give and take away, my heart will choose to say - Lord Blessed be Your Name.'

I'd recommend this book Disappointment with God which explores some of these issues.

In the end bringing it all back to Jesus suffering on the cross, and thus being able to be with us in our suffering, but also remembering our great hope, based on the resurrection, that one day things will come together, and somehow along the way we can find freedom and know God's answers in ways we wouldn't always ask for.

Unfortunately being a Christian doesn't stop shit happening, but for me it gives a hope and a grounding amidst all the shit, a knowledge that God loves anyway, somehow.

Thanks to both of you.
I have cracked open my Bible for the first time in a couple of weeks. I know that's key to my trust and stability.
I'll definitely check out the book mad. I get a lot out of reading and find it helps a lot.
I think I'd lost sight of Jesus and His suffering in all this. I mean, I need to recognise he was innocent and suffered for us....and I can endure whatever I'm thrown as long as I.remember that and keep my eyes fixed on Him. Thank you both for sharing :)

Disappointment with God is a great book and I would recommend pretty much anything by Henri Nouwen and Brennan Manning.

I get where you are coming from faithy. TTC unsuccessfully for 19 months has left my faith in tatters.

Learnt in Bible school from one of our pastors that faith is like a muscle. We have to exercise it for it to develop. So using baby steps on the first day we may say"Lord help me to love my enemies" not really meaning it but after a while we find its easier.

I've once heard that Bible is Basic, Instruction, Before, Leaving, Earth. It's true. We sometimes or even often read the bible as it's a book but don't really study it. The true way to learn as a Christian is to read, digest and act on what you have read.

None of us are perfect but Christ is renewing us, molding us, into his likeness. We won't be perfect until we meet him face to face in heaven.

I relate a lot to what you are feeling, faith. I find that when things get super shit, I tend to stop talking to God. Like, DUH. Maybe I'm sulking? whatever.

The key thing I find though is that if I leave off reading the bible, my mood and hope generally dramatically plummets. It's like plugging into the power source: has to be regular or we just won't function properly. I'm going through something really bad at the moment but this morning I ended up (not planned) reading the bible for 2 hours (Psalms, actually - so good when you're up against it. Isaiah is good too for the tough times) - the time just flew by. The entire day I have felt different, like I've had my ready brek and it's kept me warm . I don't think you have to particularly 'get' it though, just read it. A friend told me the other day how she 'walks through' specific scriptures that give her hope: as she walks she repeats the scripture to the beat of her steps. Meditating, really.

I find it's good too to ask God to give you a fresh slant on everything - a new ministry, book or something: something to reignite your faith and hope. I find that things can get tired sometimes, same old same old, especially when I'm in a lot of pain/suffering a lot.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and hope your dad gets through this; also that you get back in your house soon and, most importantly, that you get the desire of your heart.

Here's a gorgeously lovely one you could 'walk through':

God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry.

Deut 31:8

I think we all have times when we feel abandoned by God. I remember Rabbi Lionel Blue evoking all the desperate prayers that would have been sent up from the cattle trucks on the way to the concentration camps. How can we reconcile this with the idea of a loving God? We can't - it's beyond our comprehension.

Personally I just keep on plugging away and hope it's all part of a bigger picture of my life that I can't see at the moment, and get angry with God when the occasion arises - I reckon he can absorb it.

This is my all-purpose prayer when things are proving too much. It's not really relevant to your particular circumstances but I've found it a great comfort, as did my dear old ma before me:

THE PRAYER
BE AT PEACE
(By Saint Francis De Sales)

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are,
will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for
you today will take care of you then and every day.

He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

Thanks to all of you :)
I've been admitted to hospital! With abdomen pain ?appendicitis ?gallstone and I wonder if feeling terrible has exacerbated my feelings. I'll keep reading over this thread when I struggle.

Oh dear! Gallstone pain is dreadful (I speak from experience) and so is appendicitis. Hope you are better very soon xx

Being ill, especially when i don't know i am brewing something is a time when I find it really hard to pray.

Dad is unwell at the moment and he was telling me he was feeling a fraud receiving communion and was not reading his Bible much, so there seems to be a trend sadly

Pray the hospital makes the right decisions for you

Thanks to both of you. Scan didn't show anything - good in a way - so now they think it may be my appendix. Staying in hospital over weekend while they investigate further. I'm glad they're taking me seriously - have been fobbed off in the past.
I feel better spiritually - I'm even doing my bible study, the beauty of getting it by email :)
It's weird, now I know I'm ill, I feel better - even telling my doc this morning of the woes of the last few months but saying really, everything could have been so much worse! At least now I know why k felt so bad. I'll keep you posted.

I'm delighted to say I've been discharged. Final diagnosis was ?kidney stones/?kidney.infection docs weren't 100% sure! The scans didn't show any stones but they could be too small to see. Any way, I'm on antibiotics and painkillers. The pain is easing and I'm feeling better in myself. I've got next week off work to recover but I will push myself to get to church tomorrow! Thanks for all your kind words.

Glad you are finally home, even if you don't make it to church, give your minister a ring for a chat

Yeah, there's one couple in our leadership who have been supportive so I'll call them. Thanks.