Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Original poster

How to avoid telling a lie

22 replies

hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 16:25

I'm currently in the position of either having to either tell a small lie or tell the truth, which would be a bit hurtful, embarrassing and cause a bit of bad feeling Sad

Usually, in this type of situation, I would just make a random excuse, but I'm being received into the Catholic Church in a couple of weeks and want to be faithful and not tell lies.

I'm currently avoiding the person, but I'll run into her eventually, as it's another parent at school.

OP posts:
acorntree · 27/02/2012 17:52

I guess it depends what the situation is - is it the type of thing where a bit of openness or an apology and a bit of forgiveness would settle things?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 19:07

No, I'll explain.

I'm trying to get out of playdates with a certain person and don't know what to say to get out of it. It would involve making excuses, which I don't have, so would have to make things up, which is lying really.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 27/02/2012 19:10

What's the real reason you don't want to? There may be a way of phrasing it that's not as hurtful, or a minor aspect that you could concentrate on?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 19:13

I don't want to go because ds doesn't want to, he doesn't play with him and he kicked up a fuss when he came to our house and I just can't be bothered with it all. There's no friendship going on and it's just pointless. I haven't got the time to spend on something that's going nowhere.

OP posts:
Sposh · 27/02/2012 19:15

Step 9 of 12 step recovery (from addiction) programmes is:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

You could say that causing bad feeling or embarrassment is an injury. There are other ways to make amends than to upset the person involved. No decent spiritual programme would have you feel badly about yourself, if it does then you're on the wrong path (IMHO) as surely we find these paths in the hope that it will improve our lives not cause us more problems.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 19:19

Confused I just didn't want to lie. I'll just have to make my usual excuse about being busy/at work etc. and just hope she leaves it. Me, in the meantime, will be left feeling guilty about lying.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 27/02/2012 19:21

Maybe you could say that your ds's behavior deteriorates on play dates and you're only allowing him to go to ones he's familiar with for now?

Not a lie, just concentrating on an aspect that's less open to interpretation...

Sposh · 27/02/2012 19:24

There are ways of getting out of things other than lying.

There really is a such a thing as being too honest, especially if it will hurt someone's feelings. Just be a bit busy for a while, you probably are anyway if you are at the playdate stage of parenting, don't be the instigator of contact and drift away. I don't think you should feel bad about it.

I'm not religious btw, but I am in a 12 step programme which is spiritual. Even we recovering addicts aren't expected to spend time with people we don't like in the name of recovery :D

10miles · 27/02/2012 19:26

Now, just to be controversial, wouldn't the Christian thing be to love thy neighbour, even though your son doesn't love her child? That way you don't need to lie and you get to demonstrate christian values to your son Smile

Not sure how avoiding someone because "There's no friendship going on and it's just pointless. I haven't got the time to spend on something that's going nowhere." fits with the teaching of the church TBH.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 19:30

I don't want to be friends with someone just because our dcs are in the same class though Hmm I am busy and I have other stuff to do as well as working part time.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 27/02/2012 19:36

"I'm busy" is just as true as "My son thinks yours is a nasty brat"

10miles · 27/02/2012 19:36

Oh I absolutely get that, but I'm not sure how taking that attitude and not lying about it makes you more christian than you would be if you lied.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 19:44

So, not playing with her son is as bad as telling lies? Sad I suppose, but I really don't want to get involved or tell lies. I just want a quiet life Confused

OP posts:
10miles · 27/02/2012 19:48

In real life you need just need to make an excuse, but if you really mean you want to be faithful and honest and she and her son are in need of friends, then not wanting to get involved is far less christian nice IMO than a white lie

Original poster
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 19:52

I guess Sad

I don't like getting involved with anyone because I have that type of personality. I would make a good hermit Grin

OP posts:
acorntree · 27/02/2012 20:34

Perhaps you need to think of it as being gentle with the truth.

Saying you are busy isn't a lie, you have said you have other things to do and that you work part time. It might not be the whole truth, but if we all went round telling eachother the whole truth all of the time, life would get very complicated.

Hope you sort it out.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 20:42

I think that it would be better if I did go on the playdates. I'm being horrible by fobbing her off aren't I? I'm being more concerned with the technicalities of not lying than I am with being a true Christian and being open and friendly. I'm just being selfish Sad Nuts, I feel bad about this.

OP posts:
acorntree · 27/02/2012 21:35

Perhaps better if you did go, they might come to a natural end if it becomes clear the children don't play well together anyway. But I don't feel you should beat yourself up over it whatever you decide. You are concerned about the other Mum's feelings, and concerned not to cause hurt. That is not being selfish Smile

PurplePidjin · 27/02/2012 21:42

In this case, surely the children come first. Your dc and hers don't have enough in common to make spending time together fun. Perhaps a meet up in the park would be better - you can be Christian by supporting her, dc are free to play...

10miles · 29/02/2012 11:32

Sorry hidden, I didn't mean to be harsh and certainly not to make you feel bad, but I have been frustrated over the years by some Christians who seem very concerned to stick to the letter of the "rules" e.g by not lying, but are quite happy to treat people badly. For example I worked with one devout Christian man who would refuse to help you out by telling a customer you were out (so you could resolve the customer's issue without interruption) but thought nothing of being 30 mins late back from lunch, leaving others to deal with his customers.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 29/02/2012 14:37

It's okay. I don't want to be one of those either Smile

OP posts:
RobinSure · 29/02/2012 16:50

The catholics lied for years about kiddy fiddling. If the lie isn't as big as that, feel free to tell it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread