Please help, think I need to leave my church family

[Whobuilt]

A bit of background- have had PND and had a few instances of abuse when I was young. Been a believer since I was 9 years old and part of my current church for a few years.

I'm really struggling with their stance on depression, unhappiness, not being able to look past your circumstances. Basically, that the bible says being happy is a choice that we make and we are able to be happy because we are 'saved'. That depression may be caused by sin or bad choices, I walked out last week as I was so angry at what was being preached.

I feel like people blame me for struggling with life and I don't want my judgement to be clouded by how much I respect and love the other members of the church. They are lovely and have supported me but I'm really stuck on this one. I don't think Jesus is so harsh and He knows how much I try and how much I find my strength from Him.

I'm so relieved that it's snowed so I don't have to go tomorrow! Thanks for reading and sorry of it doesn't make sense, I'm knackered!

Oh that sounds really hard. Could you talk to or email the church leader explaining how you feel? It might be that they haven't come across well but would be able to reassure you if they knew how you felt?

What about talking to the ministry team about leading part of a service, or even preaching, and talking about depression and a more Christian view of it? If people in the church have been supportive, maybe a group of you could do it together?

If a church doesn't welcome and support the brokenhearted it has no purpose. All the sadder because it sounds as if they are doing the right things, even if their beliefs on this need challenging.

Whobuilt... that does sound hard, and I agree with you, that Jesus also (perhaps particularly) came to the vulnerable and the weak and to those who didn't know where to turn.

I thought of this passage, though others will probably be able to find more eloquent ones:

Then the King will say to those on his right, ?Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.?

Then the righteous will answer him, ?Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you??

The King will reply, ?Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.?

My advice may not be good as I don't believe in God, but could you look for a different church with kinder views? You do know they are wrong, right? In that case I think you really do have to leave. It must be hard, sorry.

i think the issue is about giving up hope, and that if you have given up hope in the power of God, given up hope in prayer and supplication etc then it is like saying you dont believe in god?

but clinical depression is not a flight of fancy, it is a medical condition, and people need to understand the difference.

I would say rather then unhappiness being due to a sin or bad choices it is a test, and how you deal with the test and the strength you find when overcoming the test, and the determination and motivation required, can be very telling.

This books explains depression and anxiety for christians. It is a self help book specifically aimed at christians. Chris Williams has written a lot of secular self help books as well.

www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Supposed-Feel-Like-This/dp/0340786396/ref=pd_rhf_ee_p_t_1#reader_0340786396

I have to admit that I have not read this book, but I have read other books by this author and he has an excellent website. www.llttf.com/index.php?section=page&page_seq=20

Thank you for your replies, I think I know they're being quite harsh and I might have to put this back to the elders, my husband seems to think that I take everything personally but he also reckons that anorexia is a choice and anyone with an eating disorder needs to snap out of it so I feel a little alone with this one I guess!

I just don't want to be brainwashed into thinking that people including myself need to pull themselves together when they are suffering and are burdened, makes me a bit actually.

I would like to progress my counselling training further when my DS's have started school and qualify as a Christian counsellor, that might be an interesting conversation to have with the elders!

Liking the book link! Thank you! Definitely worth a read

That isn't a helpful message at all for you, and quite frankly not true! If they believe it, then they clearly haven't been tested!

I can recommend Adrian Plass, who has struggled with depression and writes in a humorous way, backed up with bible passages which really help. My copy of "When You Walk: Company and Encouragement for Ordinary Followers of Jesus Who Sometimes Find the Going a Bit Tough" is nearly worn out! "The Unlocking" is also an incredible book. I can also recommend for general use "Jesus, safe tender extreme".

Yes I second the Adrian Plass recommendation!

I suffer from depression too. The book I have is "Insight into Depression" by Chris Ledger and Wendy Bray. It's a Christian book and I found it extremely helpful. To quote the bit on the back from the forward (incidentally by Adrian Plass) " The authors offer a holistic and God-centred approach to moving through and beyond depression, combining warmth and reassurance with practical suggestions and sane biblical insight."

The ISBN is 978-1-85345-538-4 if you are interested.

Thank you soo much for the book recommendations, will be on amazon shortly! I think a bit of reading and prayer will help me overcome and be guilt free on 'bad days' (which we all have but in relation to depression I'm talking about dressing, washing, getting out, eating etc) when I'm not quite spreading the joy!

It's a very hard decision, whether to leave a church. But I am on your behalf that they are suggesting that depression has anything to do with sin or lack of faith. It's an illness, and one to which Christians are by no means immune.

For what it's worth, I can guarantee that there are churches where you would not encounter the same attitude. There is at least one person in my own church who is suffering from depression at the moment and he's getting nothing but love and support.

I hope you can find the right group of people to give you the Christian support you need. And I definitely second the recommendation to read practically anything by Adrian Plass. He's been there.

Don't forget poor old job. RAnd Jonah wasn't in a good state either. I don't think happiness has got much to do with anything actually. Some people have that gift and some have not. And most of us some of the time but not all.

We sang keble on Sunday. The trivial round the common task are words that recognise the sheer mundane life we lead.

But where your elders are right is in knowing that we are each loved by a loving God and can make an intellectual assent to that even if it doesn't always feel like it. And that we are worth cherishing. So can you cherish yourself?

I finished that too abruptly. A nice bath with music, getting your hair cut, someone looking after the dc for an hour so you can have a cup of tea and read a magazine?

Look after yourself.

Whobuilt - I read your post a couple of days ago and it's been weighing on my mind. I don't necessarily have great advice to offer but just wanted to say I don't think you're taking the teaching you heard too personally. For one, depression is a medical condition, and it sounds like the preacher suffers the same kind of ignorance about mental illness that is so prevalent. If you had kidney disease, or cancer, would they say that was because of your sin? And as for happiness being a choice - there are lots of examples in the bible of people who were unhappy and who cried out to God for help. So many psalms written by David could be interpreted as complaining about his situation, yet we (at least in books and teaching I've had) are encouraged to see that as a good example of how we should reach out to God when we are unhappy, not that we should just 'choose to be happy.' As spendthrift also pointed out - what about Job. I'm just reading that book right now and he is definitely not a happy guy! Also, teaching I've had stresses that in this times is when you have an even richer relationship with God, that He uses these experiences to draw you to Him and to rely on Him. When life is easy then we tend to think we don't need Him and rely on ourselves for our fulfillment and happiness. So I guess I'm just thinking that I personally don't think your church's teaching on this is biblical.

Anyway I wouldn't necessarily take it as a reason to leave the church, if you think their other teaching is sound. I would however try and talk to Elders or a pastoral team if you have one about this, as it sounds like they could do with being educated about mental illness and depression.

Hope you find the support you need on this.

Selwyn Hughes talked about depression as 'the common cold of Christianity'. He wrote a very practical little book about 'Overcoming depression'.

I presume they dont mean to be unkind, and are just confusing spiritual laziness with depressive illness because some symptoms are similar.

Are there any Christian counsellors or doctors in the congregation (or another related church family) who could help you talk to the elders? Or would your husband be able to ask for their support, tact and prayers during the illness.