Non religious parents - DS wants to pray at bedtime

[laptopwieldingharpy]

Looking for some wisdom...

DH and I are die hard rationalists. When DC were born, we naturally decided that we wanted our children to grow up observing the world with a scientific method.

We always come up with factual answers to questions.
If they enquire about death, we explain that death is the shutdown of a body that is too old, ill or tired to go on.
On the question of where do the dead go, we reply that they are buried and decomposed and become part of the circle of life but that their memory survives in the heart and mind of those who love them. We can let them live on by making scrapbooks of cherished memories etc...

So its not all dry and heartless, there will just never be any explanation in religion, because we believe them to be superstition.
We teach them that organized religions are historically dated and first and foremost a social/political structure rather than a spirituality.
They are dogmas and they have all their life to make those decisions for themselves.

So what do we pray to?
That's the one I can not Answer.
Would it make sense if I told DS he should pray to himself? Find the strength in himself to open his heart and mind to make his wishes come true?
(I do yoga, and meditation, so that's intuitively what I do)

Would love to hear from you all.

Dh and I hold similar views to your own.

If either of the dcs wanted to pray at bedtime, I think I would just shrug it off and say "fine". You don't say how old your son is, but he may just be wanting to try out something his friends are doing. I am not even sure I would ask about it too much. I say that I did not want to pray with him as I did not believe in God, but would be happy to sit with him whilst he did.

What is it he wants to pray about? does he just want some quiet time at the end of the day to go over what has happened? Think special thoughts for someone who is having a hard time or ill? Be happy that something good has happened or perhaps be a bit sorry about somethng bad?
I am a Christian, but trying to analyses objectively what prayer is about without the 'God' bit

Who/what you pray to is up to you. If your DS wishes to pray to someone/something else then that's up to him. If he goes to a typical English primary school then he'll likely be exposed to Christian prayer in assembly so that may well be where he's got the suggestion from.

My parents are not religious at all. However when I was about 7 I decided I wanted to go to church, pray, etc (probably influenced by school). They were supportive of me trying it out. As an adult I'm not religious but grateful that my parents let me find my own beliefs.

Why would you pick who your son prays too? Isn't that his choice? You have made your choice about religon now it is his turn to try things on for size and see what fits him.

If he wants to pray then he should, no doubt it will die off after a while and he will try something new on for size like football or windsurfing... Or anything else that crosses his mind

Is DS asking you who he should pray to? If not, then I don't think it's really up to you to tell him what he ought to do or believe. He may be doing it because friends say they do it, or because of things from school. But it's his choice if he is trying out the idea of believing in some form of God or gods, and you shouldn't tell him not to do it, whatever your own beliefs.

If he is asking, then it's fair to say that you don't believe there is anyone or anything outside of himself to pray to, but that thinking about others is a nice thing to do at the end of the day if he wants to spend a few minutes doing that.

Most children will try out doing things which are quite different from what their parents do, and as you say they have their whole life to make those decisions - it's important that you show your support for that concept by your actions as well as your words, by supporting him in his exploration of the idea of prayer and spirituality, while not pretending that you feel the same about it.

Personally, I agree with the others - what you do and believe is one thing, but your child must decide for himself what he wants to do / believe.

My dh and I are atheists, we don't believe in God, but we do allow our children to make their own minds up. One child believes in god, the other does not. If she wanted to pray, I'd leave her to get on with it - none of my business.

How old is your DS and how did he raise this question?

Does he know what he means by 'pray' - it can mean many things (giving thanks (to either 'god' or to the people who've actually done something; asking for something; examining ones conscience; meditation; having a chat with 'Someone')

My parents were catholic so took me to church from as early as i can remember but i never believed in any of it (i remember quesrioning from around 4/5yrs then deciding there was no God from aroind 7yrs) yet i prayed still until about 11yrs old, mostly i'd pray to the moon -i just wanted someone to listen to me who knew me, and as a child i chose the one thing that watched over me every night! Perhaps just ask your lo who they are praying to, or just let them pray, they will find their own way. I don't think it needs to be something that's structured :). And if it's any help, it made me feel better that i had my own private 'friend' that i could confide in and ask for help from if i saw an injustice i didnt understand (ie the famines in 1985 when i was 4 i asked for help for them) x

How old is he? My DD has been through various phases of vaguly saying she believed in different gods. I, like you, have always taught her about religion but made it clear I don't think there's anything there as such. If he's little it may be no different from writing to santa.

But whatever age he is, let him pray, but make it clear to him that in your view, the only person you can change by praying is yourself. If that's what people believe, then praying can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order, and deciding what is the right thing to do.

But if he's praying for God to intervene and help other people and sort things out for him, then personaly I think it is right to tell him that this won't work. He either needs to try to change things himself, or try to influence the people who can change things, or accept them as they are.

Thank you all for your responses. As questions overlap, I'll do a group answer if you don't mind.

DS is 8, DD just turning 4, so at the moment we all believe in fairies and elves as far as she is concerned and happy to go on as long as it lasts

DS is the one who asked who/what should he pray to. As I said, We really never initiate that subject simply because its not part of of our life. We merely answer questions when prompted.
He can pray if he wants, and that's actually why am here, because I want to let him follow that path now he's asked and to get help with the answer to his question.

I think what he wants is a minute to regroup at the end of the day. We live in asia, so naturally his way of doing this is sitting in a lotus position with joint palms and closed eyes. He takes a deep breath, seems to ponder for a few seconds and smiles, ready to sleep. For all I know, he might be asking for a new Xbox game!
He has a lot of empathy though and is into natural disasters so might also be wishing that no big earthquake occurs in this new year of the dragon!
We usually don't ask, as that's meant to be a personal space right?
DH is wondering wether we should ask.
Do you think praying might be a sign of some anxiety?
(He seems content with his routine, so I think not)

I think yes, he is influenced by his peers and that's fine in the multicultural environment we come from and live in.
That's exactly what we were hoping for. Religion is the one thing that he will have to learn from many people, not just us, and we are hoping that will encourage an inclusive approach to other faiths and help him find his own.

purpleroses
"make it clear to him that in your view, the only person you can change by praying is yourself"
"praying can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order, and deciding what is the right thing to do.

But if he's praying for God to intervene and help other people and sort things out for him, then personaly I think it is right to tell him that this won't work. He either needs to try to change things himself, or try to influence the people who can change things, or accept them as they are."

absolutely!!!!!

There is nothing wrong with children praying to a deity or 'higher being' for help with things outside their control! Surely this is them helping as far as they can? Unless you think your 8yo should be donning a backpack and heading off to ground zero?

If he is praying for help on these things then that is good. Telling him no help is forthcoming and he needs to help himself if he wants to help is a ridiculous way to deal with a child's anxiety. Eventually he will come to realise that praying does not often bring direct hands on help (it makes no difference if he thinks this is because his god does not exist or because his god "works in mysterious ways") and he will begin to look for other ways to help. A natural progression in manageable steps rather than being thrown off the high dive board by your parents.

If he is worrying as you think (personally I suspect he is just meditating/centering) then allowing him to pray for help is allowing him to deal with it as best he can for now, he wants to help and, eventually, he will work out how.

lowreg good point.
Its just that our idea is that if there was ever a situation creating anxiety, its better to turn to someone in RL for help rather than bottling it up and praying to an allusive being iykwim?

So am happy for DC to pray as a a way of centering but better to turn to a trusted adult to overcome fears, guilt etc....

Thanks again for you input

Meditation which is what he sounds as if he may be doing can be done by anyone, theist or atheist or agnostic and brings benefits to the meditator in many circs. Why not explore that with him as you're in the perfect area to be able to talk about buddhism hinduism christianity etc as well as atheism and point out the common threads?