How did you choose the church you attend?

[Fishpond]

I live in a town in middle America where the number 1 most prolific structure is a church. There are over 70 - in comparison: 1 hospital, 3 schools for children 14+, 1 Starbucks.

I "grew up" - about ages 5-10 in one particular church that is only right down the road from where I live now. I really enjoyed going there as a child, and it has grown to become the biggest church in our town. It kind of has a 'megachurch' feel though, very very big. It has been criticized in the past for being a bit non-inclusive of people from different racial and socioeconomic backgrounds, although I'm not sure if this still applies. They do a lot of theater, sports activities, etc.

I am looking for a very active and inclusive church community - I am single and pregnant with my first baby, so I need a place I can not feel judged and can connect to other women, possibly even find some male role models for my son eventually.

Did anyone just sort of default to a church they grew up attending, or one that is close to where they live? I'm a very shy person by nature, and find it a bit intimidating to try and make friends, involve myself, even set up an initial meeting with the pastor. Do I need to just get over myself and try out a few different ones to find the right fit? What steps did you take and how did you know that you'd made the right choice?

Hi Fishponds...

I am not sure that I have good advice, in that I grew up in the Anglican church (in the UK) and so when I started going back that seemed the natural place to start, and it worked for me, so I haven't had that experience of trying different churches (although I do know what I do and don't like within Anglicanism, which can vary widely!).

What might be relevant, though, is that I started going to church again when I was living temporarily in the US (in the Midwest). I sought out the Episcopal church purely on the basis that it was part of the Anglican communion, and therefore I thought it would be more familiar to me (and I know I like quite a traditional service...). Anyway, to cut a long story short, it was great and I felt as if I had 'come home'. Now, obviously it depends what kind of thing you're looking for, but all I can tell you is that I had a good experience with Episcopalianism.

It also seems to be the case that the Episcopal Church generally is quite liberal (certainly in comparison to the Catholic school that my kids attended while we were there, and to the more fundamentalist Right). The Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church of the US is a woman, for instance, and, while I think there's a certain tension about how closely they should follow the broader Anglican guidelines (and now I realise that my understanding of the relationship between the CofE in England and Anglicanism worldwide has some huge holes, so sorry this is vague) on human sexuality etc., I have been in Episcopal churches that have been overtly and openly welcoming of LGBT Christians, for instance. So my instinct is telling me that you might find a non-judgemental approach there. (However, it's also true that much depends on the dynamic of the individual congregation, so you may have to just try it and see...)

Good luck, whatever you decide.

This website might be useful if you're interested in finding out more. It was linked to from the website of the church I attended, and I found it reassuring before I went for the first time... especially the last section: 'You will not be embarrassed'! (I'm not great at just putting myself out there and talking to people either.)

I know how you feel - I am shy too, and find it so hard to talk to new people. I find it even worse when people try to talk to me! (when I'm joining them in their setting - I'm fine at talking to new people when I'm in my shop - I suppose it's because it's on my turf, so I'm in my comfort zone)
I chose the church I go to because I needed to sing in a choir - I moved to a new town, so didn't know anyone, and had been in a choir at my old church. I went along to the nearest church (with the aim to check out each church around to see which one had a decent choir) and thought "they sound quite good, I'll see when they have their practice", went to find the choirmaster and asked about practice.
It was very scary though.

The church before that, I joined because my friends went there (and were in the choir) - started off by joining them at choir practice for fun (we went to the pub together afterwards and it saved me hanging around, and it meant I could sing without fear), and then went to a service.

I just go to my local church (CofE) and love it.

I used to live in the Midwest and struggled with church. I did end up after some church shopping with the Episcopal Church. I hated the worship (the music was dire, and the liturgy boring and the same each week), but loved the people. I also liked that the theology was not dodgy, although the teaching was not as expository as I would have liked.

I did the ecumenical women's bible study thing and that gave me a good balance.

Church in my Midwestern community was hard going as people didn't think they needed anything. They were too blessed with comfortable lives and didn't really appreciate God that much. It was nice to be seen in your best clothes on a Sunday morning and then forget about being a Christian for the rest of the week. Obviously this didn't apply to everyone and there were very sincere 24/7 Christians too.

I lived in Kansas for 5 years and did a lot of research via friends and also online about various churches in the area- we also couldn't shake a stick without hitting a church!! We visited a few and some were instantly ruled out!
We eventually picked one because dh was in San Fran and I was back home inKS and we BOTH highlighted this one church in Olathe and so thought we should check it tout. We made an appt with one of the Pastors- it took a while settle in but we loved it and are still in touch with the Pastor and his family even though we moved back to UK 5 years ago.
It was MUCH bigger than the churches we were used to (about 500 people a week)-and it did take a while for us to feel like we had settled in.
The worship and women's ministry was awesome.

Try a few and you will get a feel for the sort of church you like.

500 a week? Eep I'm sure this is a "megachurch" then - they have about 2,500 attend each Sunday. The auditorium is a 1200-seat with 3 different Sunday services.

I have sent an exploratory email to their outreach pastor and will try to meet up with him next week to talk through a few of my concerns. I definitely don't want a place with a lot of the aforementioned "once a week" Christians. I need somewhere I can depend on continual support as a relative
newbie.

Ah... I think we're looking for rather different things from our churches, Fishpond! Something that huge would unsettle me, I think. But I really hope it all works out for you.

(Does sound as if my experience of TEC was better than honisoit's though...)

We go to our parish church (CofE). Ds was christianed there and is now in the choir. Sunday morning services are popular but Evensong varies. Last week there were about 20 people at the service (mostly parents of the choir boys!). Very welcoming vicar who was very supportive when ds's father decided he didn't want to be any part of ds's life.

I just figured with that many people, surely there are bound to be some friends I can make and some very active members / elders. As I said, I'm almost painfully shy, so at least there are several smaller worship groups / mums groups etc that I could possibly join.