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Original poster

Christening-help!

16 replies

Pippaandpolly · 08/01/2012 13:07

Our DD is due to be christened fairly soon. We decided on godparents before she was even born-each of our best friends and a relative. I've just found out that DH's friend isn't baptised. DH wants to just lie on the form as noone will check anyway. I don't want to.

What do we do?! Is there any chance the vicar will let him be a godparent anyway? I am guessing not as he has to make vows! I am reeling a bit-it didn't occur to me that he wouldn't be baptised. I knew he's not a practising Christian but I -naively- assumed everyone gets baptised.

I am so stupid for not checking before now. I assumed DH would only suggest people who were -or at least had once been- Christians.

Argh. DH is mad and can't understand why I won't just lie. He's Catholic but agnostic in reality. I'm practising C of E and DD will be christened into the C of E.

Help... :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippaandpolly · 08/01/2012 13:48

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
Haziedoll · 08/01/2012 13:51

Years ago this used to be a problem and lots of people lied on the form. These days I think the vicar will allow you to have a non baptised person as a supportive friend which is essentially the same.

Original poster
Pippaandpolly · 08/01/2012 14:36

I'll ask the vicar...DH doesn't want to as we then won't be able to lie if he says no Hmm but I think it's the best course of action. Religion is always the thing we argue about.

OP posts:
TotallyUnheardOf · 08/01/2012 23:35

I would say just be totally straight and ask the vicar. Even if your friend can't be a godparent, it doesn't mean that he can't be a huge positive influence in your dd's life. He can still, maybe, come to the christening and then make a special - non-religious - promise to support her and look out for her later (e.g. if you're having a lunch or something afterwards).

lilibet · 08/01/2012 23:50

If I was you I would have a look at the promises that dh's friend will have to make. If it's a standard CofE service he will have to promise to turn to Christ, perhaps as an agnostic he may not be comfortable standing up in a church and saying that?

lilibet · 08/01/2012 23:53

Sorry - read your post wrong - it's your dh who's the agnostic!

Does he know that he will be promising to bring the child up as a Christian "by his prayers, by his example and by his teaching"?

Talk to your vicar, they come across this sort of situation all the time, would you not be more comfortable with a thanksgiving where there aren't any promises?

startail · 08/01/2012 23:54

Do you have to be christened to be a god parent? I thought you just had to be able to make the promises. Which are along the lines of I believe in God and will educate the child to do so.
No way could I say this and so i do friend only to DHs god daughter.

startail · 09/01/2012 00:00

Yes, there is a lovely thank you blessing which we had for DD1.
DH and his family are C of E and it was lovely to have something meaningful for them.
I think the vicar suggested it, he married us and was well aware of my views.
(I got married a long time ago when church or registry office was the only choice).

grumpypants · 09/01/2012 00:04

But the op is practising c.of e and wants a religious service. But, you haven't chosen practising christians as godparents so prob would go with the lie...

sleepymammary · 09/01/2012 00:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Kristingle · 09/01/2012 00:11

According to www.churchofengland.org/weddings-baptisms-funerals/baptism-confirmation/baptism/becoming-a-godparent-in-the-church-of-england.aspx#faith, the role of a god parent is a spiritual one. So i dont unferstand how this could be done by an aetheist. Why are you puttig your freind in the awkward position of having to lie and make vows that are meaningless to them?

PermaLice · 09/01/2012 00:15

Here is a link to the Church Of England website, and it does say that godparents need to be baptised, and ideally also confirmed.

I would find it tricky to make the prayers and vows required in the service of parents and godparents whilst in the knowledge of a lie. I think you should talk to your non-baptised potential godparent about this, and hope you can find a different way ahead, that still shows how important they are to you, and hope they will be to your family, without a formal religious role that would be based on an untruth.

Original poster
Pippaandpolly · 09/01/2012 08:50

Kristingle thank you for making me feel worse. We're not putting him in an awkward position or asking him to lie. DH asked him if he'd like to be a godfather and said he'd love to but did we mind that he's not a practising Christian. We didn't mind because our other two chosen godparents are Christians and would fulfil the spiritual side of the support offered etc; we saw this man having a more 'involved uncle' position but wanted to honour him by including him as a proper godparent. Where I messed up was not checking at the time that he was actually Christened himself, and in assuming it instead. For what it's worth, he's as upset as we are about this.

I'm going to phone the vicar today and see what can be done, if anything. Thanks for the advice on here-fingers crossed he'll be able to have a role anyway even if it's not an official one.

OP posts:
Kristingle · 09/01/2012 11:15

Im sorry, i see now that its not you that wants your freind to lie, its your Dh who wanst YOU to lie about his/your friend on the form for your daughters christening. Thats ok then Hmm

So the problem seems to be that you and your church have diffent belifes about the role of a god parent. They think its a spriptual role and you see it as an involved uncle? In that case i think the advice you have to speak to your priest or vicar is good, so you can discuss your differeing views and see if there is a compromise

Im still surprsed that soemone who describes themselves as a practising member of the CoE " Assumed that everyone gets baptised" . They dont. I woudl be very embarassed too if friends of mine asked me to make vows that i did not believe in. I would feel it compromised my integrity and insulted my beliefs. They may not be the same as yours but they are honestly and sincerely held.

lilibet · 09/01/2012 11:33

OP How is your dh going to make and keep the promises if he is an agnostic?

Original poster
Pippaandpolly · 09/01/2012 20:55

DH has agreed to raise DD as a Christian. He was raised in the church himself and is agnostic because he has doubts, as I'm sure do lots of Christians. He's not an atheist and he doesn't have a problem making the vows. I'm not asking anyone to judge him and he's not here to speak for himself.

I don't think it's ok he wanted to lie on the form. That was part of why I was upset. And I don't see the role of godparent as uncle, we see this particular person's role as that and wanted to include and involve him in a way that pays testament to how much we value him and his involvement in our daughter's life; her other godparents are Christian and we take the spiritual role very seriously.

I spoke to the vicar and he's happy for this man to be a godparent as long as he is happy to do it, which he is. I'm very relieved and happy. The vicar was entirely unjudgemental and talked the whole thing through with us in detail. Thanks those who advised speaking to him.

I didn't expect to be judged on this matter by people on this board. It's not AIBU. I was asking for advice not judgement and I feel pretty crap now. So thank you to everyone who gave me advice and I'm sorry to those of you who think I'm doing something wrong.

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