Church, me and the kids

[TOTU]

Synopsis: I am a single mum, 3 kids, 2 have Special Needs, one is NT.

I was married in my local church (C of E) and had my children baptised/christened.

I went to church today to see my daughter dance in the school performance. It was lovely, but a bit over-long in my opinion.

There is no way I could take my SN boys to church. One of them would scream the place down after 10 mins. Never mind 1.5 hours.

The problem is I'm dabbling with the idea of getting more involved with religion. Not at all for the aspect of hoping my SN children will be cured. That's not a possibility. I'm trying to open my mind a little as I get older.

How can I do this? My local church has very limited services. I can't take the children. I have no partner. If I told my family I wanted to attend church service and could they possibly mind the kids for me, they would be incredulous.

This post probably makes no sense at all so don't bother answering it. I think I'm kind of thinking out loud.

Could you maybe find a church with more services/one that has a children's mass? We attend a Catholic church & they have a mass full of children & especially welcome anyone with special needs. Might be worth a try if you are serious about it.

I agree, are there any other churches in your local area? Mine has a specific children's service with creche etc.

I don't go to church with my ds ,dd is at a church school and I often go to mass straight after dropping her off at school - would a morning service if the children are in school be an option?
Other than that I have no other solutions,it does seem common of those of us with children with sn to not be able to worship with our children :(

Thanks for your prompt reply 23balloons

The service I attended today was a childrens mass but there is no way on earth that my 2 boys could have sat through it. They can't read, write, sing. They don't understand being quiet or respectful. I'm a single parent too so I can't just carry one out that is making the noise and leave the other with a partner, as I don't have one.

I may have to look at a more liberal church or one which has a service which fits in with school hours (that sounds awful), but at the moment I need support. I believe in God and Jesus, but I am rather uneducated and feel a fool when attending church.

My mother was forced to attend church, so we never went, as she didn't want us to be forced like she was.

Thanks again for replying.

cross posted with pink and elf.

I'm off to Google what services are available at other local churches. Thank you both for replying.

Definitely look for one with a Sunday school during the service. Ours takes my nephews when they go with my parents, I know it's hard work for the staff but we have a real family mentality at our church. Everyone looks out for everyone else, helps out where they can. For example, we didn't used to have a creche but we found that all the mums (with some aunts and nans - like mine as my OH used to go out so they take turns to help as he's a young Christian and we felt it was more important he stayed and he wouldn't let me go) were sitting in the lounge with all the babies so they made themselves into a rota, so now it's no different except they don't all have to go in at the same time.

Perhaps you could find one with experience of SN? That might help. They do exist. The most notably one I know of has a SN needs service, but they are few and far between!

If you are looking for a new church, try one that has Messy Church or Cafe Church, they are much easier for young children and those with SN and even better for the Mum!

This style of church is much more relaxed, you get involved and can walk around when you what rather than being told to stand up and sit down. There are normally activites the kids and adults can do.

If you are looking for a church that caters for children with SN, one place it might be worth looking is on the NEW WINE web site for help. New Wine often do courses helping churches become accessible.

If you'd like to sit in the pew while the kids go to Sunday School, there are plenty about that still do this, some 3 Sunday's a month.

I agree that normal all age services, or family services are so hard to cope with when you are a lone parent in the pew. Bad memories come flooding back of coping with DS before he was diagnosed with AS. Thankfully some churches have moved on

Another option is to find an Alpha Course, these are normally mid week, either day time of evening. Our Church offers babysitting so parents can still attend.

If all your kids are in school then perhaps you could go to a midweek service. You don't necessarily have to go on Sundays.

I hope you find somewhere suitable

I have never been to a church that doesn't have a Sunday School/Junior church and/or a creche at its main Sunday morning service. Most will be used to accommodating hte full range of children! Don't feel awkward - your dituation is not unusual - churches should be welcoming places with people willing to help you. Are your DCs at a special school - perhaps some of the parents there go to a church that might be more able to meet your needs. really hope you find something suitable.

All churches should have some kind of policy for people with disabilities although I think that some are better than others. Messy church is a good idea as well as possible mid-week services. There is a charity called through the roof that works with people with sn in churches, their website might give you some useful advice and gives you contact details.

Why don't you contact the vicar/minister at your local church and discuss it directly with him/her? They might have some ideas of what may be suitable? Or is there a 'Churches Together' group in your area?

I agree look around at other churches and if they have web pages e-mail asking what happens during the week. At our church we have a lady's fellowship on a Tuesday afternoon (Quite a lot of older ladies but they LOVE it when anybody younger comes), there's a bible study on Thursday mornings and a Christianity Explored course on Wednesdays after the toddler group. You would be welcome at any of these.

Church in general - well I don't think we do enough tbh. We have one family at our church with a son with extensive special needs - cerebal palsy, unable to communicate verbally really , wheelchair bound. When he was younger he attended the Sunday School although he was not really able to participate to any degree that was evident. Now he is to old for that he comes out in to the big hall where we hold creche. A parent or other member of the congregation who is confident in caring for him stays with him and tbh he actually seems to enjoy that more than anything. He is a visible part of our church family. I hope his parents feel that but I'm pretty certain as a church we mostly take them very much for granted and fail to appreciate the difficulties they face. That said - when we were planning a church weekend away we ensured they could get a suitable room at the destination and taht walks etc were wheelchair accessible.

For a while we had another family attending with a child on the autistic spectrum. They hardly ever bought him because it is so difficult to ensure his safety in any new environment. He is very physical and active. Our church has climable pillars, many stairs and a balcony - not ideal for a child with that kind of need!

A good church is a welcoming church - to all. A good church will try and accommodate you - not always succesfully. I know we're not perfect. A good church will say 'come and be part of our family just as you are'

I was chucked out of the CofE church because ds1 (adhd/aspergers) was being a bit noisy one Sunday morning (it was a family service as well)

They were all old biddies and quite intolerant. I go to the Catholic church now and nobody bats an eyelid if it's noisy. The place is full of nutty toddlers and crying babies

I cannot abide people who will not tolerate a bit of child related noise. There are lots of service where children are never seen - go to them if you want silence. We should remember that the children are the future of our faith and we are not doing our job as Christians properly if we place stumbling blocks in their way as they come to faith - or in the way of their parents!

Children are the present of our faith!

Oh yes I agree - that too! It just really annoys me that some Christians don't react well to children being childlike (and therefore welcome) in church and yet of course expect them to magically become full fledged attenders in the late teens/twenties.

I have been looking for Carol Services to go to. I am amazed at the number and variety of churches there are in even a small area. I am sure you will be able to find one that welcomes you and your children. I also feel a bit of a fool in church, because of my family's anti-church attitude, but I keep trying at the level I can manage.

I'd phone up the ministers of churches you are interested in for advice. You may find that there is already a child or adult with special needs who attends one of the local churches, so the congregation there may be more tolerant.

Thank you so much for all the replies, links and ideas.

If I were you if at all possible I would do some research into which churches are really family friendly in your area.
Most good churches ( those that are family friendly) have provision for or willing to work something out for children who have extra needs and if they don't then in my opinion they are not welcoming the entire family of God.

New wine do a lot of work with children with special needs and are really trying to make church a welcoming place for those who both have special needs and their families. They may be able to recomend a local church to you.

The best thing i think you can do is go and check a few out without your kids in tow and get a feel for the place then ask the questions you may have about your children and what they can do to make church work for you and your family.