should I find a new church?

[mendipgirl]

okay, i love my church and the people that go there, I have been going there for over 10years and pre DC used to be quite involved (on PCC, homegroups, produced the weekly leaflet etc). Now I have 2 DDs (3yo and 9mo) and I find it a real struggle. I get nothing from the service as I spend the whole time looking after the girls, however I do miss it if I don't go. And there is no sunday school. There is only one other regular person there with a young family and so not enough kids to do a sunday school for I guess. It feels wrong to leave a church, but I feel DD1 is going to need more than sitting playing with toys for an hour soon.

My thoughts are either

1. I find a new church with a sunday school and take DD1 once or twice a month and keep going to my church with DD2 (or even on my own) on the other sundays
2. I leave completely and find a new church
3. I stick it out, pray and hope things improve, after all if we all leave then the church will eventually die.

any thoughts? I'm going to see the new vicar this week to arrange DD2s baptism and will tell her how I am feeling as well, but would appreciate some opinions from you as well. The vicar only started a few months ago so I am thinking I should see if she can turn things around as well. There used to be a sunday school and a lot more families, but they have all grown up or moved away now.

I'd be tempted to find another church that has a Sunday school as I think children get a lot out of going and it means that you can concentrate on the service.

What sort of Church is it?

I was going to suggest the exact opposite of hiddenhome and suggest that you stick it out for a bit longer, but clearly there is no 'right' answer to this, and either way might work.

My thinking was that you are happy in your current church and have friends there. Of course you don't have the time (or energy) to do all the things you used to do there, but soon enough they will be in school (I know it feels far off now, but it feels like only yesterday that my girls were the age that yours are now, and now I have one in secondary school ) and you may be able/want to go back to some of those things.

Secondly, you say that you have a new vicar. I think you should give her some time and see if she's able to turn things around and bring some new families in. Christmas is a good time to do that, so you may even see an improvement as soon as the New Year (with luck/God's help). Talk to her about how you feel and see what she suggests.

Finally, is there an option for you to go to church without your dds (perhaps just some of the time)? I am not sure how much they'll be getting out of the service (or even out of a Sunday School) at that age, tbh, and at the moment they are making it difficult for you to get what you want out of church. Could you leave them with your dh/dp/someone else for the duration of the service (perhaps just every other week)? I understand that in some circumstances this may be impossible (my dh worked weekends for years) but it might just work. Many people will take time out at the weekend to go to the gym (or shopping or for coffee with friends or whatever) without their dc; this is the same thing (gym for the soul ). A bit further down the line your dc will want to come with you... but, who knows?, by then there may be a Sunday School that they could go to.

I guess much will depend on the availability of other churches with which you feel comfortable in your vicinity, too.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

I agree with TUO. I think you should have a good chat with the new vicar about it and tell her how difficult it is for you to get anything out of it at present with two young dcs. She may have some plans up her sleeves. Sometimes it just takes one family to start stuff up that brings new people in. Is there a nice play area your dd1 can play in or is it more sitting in the pews with books type thing? If not perhaps you could suggest something is introduced - we set something like this up in my old church - with lovely toys, cushions, books, chairs for bf etc and it was a lovely welcoming place, so anyone coming in to the church with dc felt happier about being there as they could sit there with their dcs playing but still able to get something from the service (not always a lot but still!!)

However don't totally discount finding somewhere new if there doesn't seem to be change on the horizon. While I am not a 'church hopping' fan I can totally understand the need to find somewhere which caters for your needs at different seasons in life. It would just be nice if your present church, where you feel happy and loved, would change alongside you and at the same time be somewhere which attracts families in so you can go on to set up more kids work.

Hope it all works out for you.

Have you tried praying about it?

None of us can tell you what is best for you ? it maybe that you would be better somewhere else, it maybe that God has lead you to a parish with few children in order to be the nucleus around which a more child centred parish could grow.

The problem with a parish with nothing for children is that people with children tend to go elsewhere and it becomes a viscious circle. Could you get together with one other family to start something for children that could grow as other families pass through? Actually you only need a couple of families to make a small Sunday school work, and if you and one other parent take time to supervise you each get alternate Sundays in church child-free? You would have to be determined and positive to make it work but you might even find a younger member of your parish steps forward and offers to help run it once there is a positive attitude towards it.

But it maybe time to move elsewhere...

I would talk to the vicar first. They are new and probably still assessing and observing. They may have ideas to bring in new families to the church ( most want that as it gives the church a future).

Don't rush into things. Pray and things will hopefully become clearer.

I discussed it with the other mum on sunday, we'd both been thinking along the same lines. She is a SAHM and has offered to start a sunday school once or twice a week in the new year and I have offered to help. We both agree we want to try and make a go of it there, so will commit to a year of trying and then see what happens. I think I will take DDs twice a month and the rest of the time go on my own so I get something from it as well. I feel much more positive now!

We'll done Mendip - it sounds as if you're sorting this problem out nicely. TBH I would speak to the vicar and start advertising the Sunday School in time for all the Xmas services which is when lots of families will be turning up.