Offended the pastor

[GodKeepsGiving]

What a difficult day. DH's birthday - I've been up since 3 am with baby. Am tired, hormonal and cheesed off. Pg with dc7. Four of our six children are autistic and at church on Sunday the most highly strung of them dropped his cake and was incredibly distressed. Group of people stood nearby laughed at him very heartily. DS shouted at them that it was funny, the ringleader said
'Oh yes it is!'

Everyone laughed even more and DS was distraught. He is really anxious and dislikes not being able to control situations. He's only 5 and as I said, very highly strung. We've been to other churches before and dc's SN issues have led to us being excluded. Our church is usually great, but I was utterly furious with this woman who has made snide remarks before. It's not common knowledge what our children's issues are, but it's obvious that something is different about them.

We emailed our pastor and his wife about it and they came to visit tonight. I was really annoyed that he brought his Bible with him and started reading passages about sin and forgiveness. I was cross because that part can wait, my son's needs come first. He didn't seem able to understand that it was irritating to sit and listen to a collection of verses about how St Paul says we are all sinners and how we need to forgive others in the same way that God has forgiven us.

Fine. But not at this point. I told him that what she had done was horrible and in effect constituted a hate crime and that I planned to make her aware of this. He was worried about this creating unpleasantness and being inflammatory. That's when I got really annoyed. I told him that I thought that was completely unfair, since it meant that her needs came before my son's (in that she wasn't offended by being told what her behaviour amounted to).

My attitude and response was that this is basically tough. She has the life experience and maturity to deal with this, my little son who was upset all day Sunday does not. We clashed quite badly and my asthma started to play up and so I called and end to the conversation. I think I've offended him, but surely if God sent me my son then it's my duty to protect him rather than be guided by passages on forgiveness. I also think I caused offence when I said that many other passages in the Bible could be applied to this situation, not just those which induce a level of passivity and which pacify people who are justifiably angry.

Also offended my DH as he didn't say much in support of my arguments. I love going to Church. I just love my children more. I know they can seem hard work, but they are largely misunderstood. If you've got to the end of this then I salute you. Just had to write it down.

Non violent communication is a poor title to the book as that in itself can evoke a number of different reactions. It is some times called Compassionate Communication though in this case I'm not sure that would have been any more appropriate!! 'Emotion restrained outcome focussed communication' has less of a ring to it!!

'Emotion restrained outcome focussed communication' has less of a ring to it!!

I've only just seen this. I'm a lay minister in the church, who happens to have Asperger Syndrome (was diagnosed halfway through training), as does my DS. There is one particular church I refuse to attend anymore because of something that has happened there. I still pray for the grace to forgive them, but its tough.

I just wanted to offer you my support... am supposed to be preparing a meditation(!) but wanted to tell you that you aren't the only one who has experienced problems in this way. I will come back when I've stopped procrastinating and try to post more...

too late to read it all, but sympathies for the umempathetic waty ythe pastor responded. the lady in question was mean, she was picking on a child and ridiculing him. you are justifyably angry. no-one can come in and demand that you forgive until you have had time to calm down. he should not be minimilising the hurt by demanding that you should forgive. as you said, the bible verses and forgiveness come later, once he has listened to the effect her actions have had and acknowledged that hurt has been caused.

sorry about the typing and spelling ds was up really late and brain has turned to mush!

I would be backing away rapidly friom a church like yours to be honest.

Thanks for the replies everyone. We haven't been back yet. They have sent me flowers and emails and I know the children miss it, but I need to be sure that everything's going to be fine and at this point I'm not.

It sounds like your pastor needs some training on equal opportunities legislation and supporting people with special needs. Could you do some digging and come up with a good course for him? Is there a hierachy in your church that you could go up?

I like Matthew 18:15 - "Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother." It is exactly what hully said - an adult laughing at a child with SN. Odds on if you challenge her, she will back right down and apologise. If not, I would find somewhere else to go.

That is a very good scripture (above) for this situation.

tbh I wonder if she has SN! ie the woman who did this. That said, I'm very sorry to say that some of the most appalling things that have ever happened to me have been done by christians. So there we go, not perfect.

Though I am not minimising what happened, nor how the pastor handled it. imo he handled it badly. Despite their title, quite a few don't have very good 'pastoral' gifts. You needed to be heard first and foremost, to be taken seriously, for the issue and wider issue to be effectively addressed. Then , perhaps, would have been a more appropriate time to talk about forgiveness, not slap it on you in the first instance to shut you up . I'm not surprised you were hopping mad - he attempted to stuff your pain, anger, outrage back down instead of standing back to give you the space to air it. Very poor handling imo.

As for leaving the church: tbh you'll get some other awful thing in the next church, and the next... I'm not saying there isn't a time to leave a church re I have recently left a church because i couldn't get over something awful that happened and didn't have any support on any level to address it, or get over it. I am disappointed that i had to leave, particularly as nothing was resolved and I left with the dagger still embedded in my heart...

oh dear, GIANT post - too blasted tired to edit

In the cold light of day, please don't initiate having this problem addressed from the 'pulpit' - imo it is a disrespectful and shaming way to tackle someone about poor behaviour. You say that not many people know your childrens' dx and it may be that some haven't put two and two together. I think you need to hear what she has to say about the incident first before you decide what to do next. There could be any number of reasons why she felt it was ok to behave so badly but you need to hear it from her.

A lot of christians are damaged people and can behave very badly. I am not excusing her behaviour - it was inexcusable and needs to be addressed - but tackling her about it could give you both the opportunity for compassion. If she is a horrible cow unwilling to address her behaviour then you know to avoid her in future (and if so I doubt you will be the only person to have been subjected to her poor behaviour) and the pastor needs to step up and tackle her about it, making clear that what she did is unacceptable and can't be tolerated in future. What annoys me is that this sort of stuff is often not addressed in the church but can instead be swept under the carpet in the name of 'love'. Cowardice if you ask me.