I am struggling at church.

[Pancakeflipper]

I have been going to church for nearly 3 years.

It is a nice busy active church.

We had a change of Minister over a year ago which I knew I would find tricky as I was very close the old Minister's wife. We were friends prior to my attending church and she is still a good friend. But I really like the new Minister, although she is very busy we have met up several times and get on really happily.

I go to a Fellowship group but I stopped going for 2 months last year as I could see a hierarchy developing and I didn't like it. I have restarted but even though I never told them of my reasons for the break away ( they presumed it was because of stuff at home/work - we were super busy so it was a reasonable conclusion for them to come to). The hierarchy thing still grates on me. One of them rolls his eyes to his sister and BIL if I say something that he obviously doesn't agree with. I would rather he said something than this eye rolling malarky.

And I have noticed at church I feel lonely. I go on a Sunday evening as I cannot go in the morning ( DP doesn't do God and it's our family day). I used to sit with some others but now I sit alone at the end of the row and keep myself to myself now. I have withdrawn from them.

I wonder if this withdrawing thing started cos' I told someone in confidence some stuff (nowt exciting), they told someone else, someone else told someone else and chinese whispers happened and a totally different story got back to me. I unfairly look at at a few of them and think " gossip..."

Tonight we had a healing worship. As soon as I sat down on my own I could feel tears welling up. One of the people doing prayer healing wanted to pray for me but I refused, I didn't want to tell her any of my personal stuff.

As soon as the service was over I sprinted out the door, past the Minister and home. And felt instantly happier.

I don't know what to do.

How hard for you, well done on recognising what's going on. It's difficult enough going to church when your OH is not a Christian!

Could you phone your minister and ask to meet up?

If you have someone pray for you, you don't need to tell them anything, God doesn't need us to tell him what's going on thankfully.

Will pray you find a way forward

I'm really sorry that you have encountered gossip in your church. I think your minister should know what you have experienced - not to tittle tattle but a minister needs to know if this is happening in a church they are leading. Gossip is a serious thing - the bible specifically warns against gossip (it actually says it is one thing God hates) and you know for yourself how damaging it can be, as it has led to broken trust, feeling miserable and wary. Now you are isolating yourself, specifically because of the gossip, which is understandable but it was the gossip that started it and now you are the one who is suffering because of it. That's not right!

I also think you need to tackle the eye-rolling thing. Do you feel you could present this to the fellowship leader? It has to be tackled if it has made you feel unwelcome or undermined, which it would any of us. It is disrespectful for this man to do this, also that no-one has picked him up on it.

I'd pray about both of these 'meetings' and ask God to make a way for you - it's surprising how easily these things can be sorted; also, that if they aren't they can become full-blown crises. You don't want that OP, you've got enough to deal with without that. Try to nip it in the bud before it gets even worse.

So sad that you are going through this PCF.
Very sensible advice from Eaglewings and Springydaffs. The only thing I could suggest is that you speak to your 'old' minister's wife and share your hurts with her.
Also remember that Jesus knows just how you are feeling and He is on your side.
Despised and rejected? Tell Me about it.

Is it possible that you're still 'mourning' the loss of your old minister and especially his wife? Can you talk through this part of your problem with someone outside the church?

Pancake, how are you today?
Following BleughCW's comment, is it possible that the eye rolling is not meant in the way you interpret?
I say this as when I am missing someone, feeling low, I can misread facial signs and body language. I think they are aiming it at me, when in fact they are not doing it all or are doing it for another reason. To be truthful, when someone in my presence is cross I normally assume it's my fault :)
Prayer is the best way forward, on your own, or with a trusted friend. By being able to see people through Gods eyes helps take the heat out of a situation and gives us strength.
Will continue to pray for you

Poor you, its hard, no church is perfect, because a church is a group of people, and people aren't perfect! I have been 'church hopping' for a while, trying to find the right place for me (DH doesnt come). Still hunting! Maybe you could try another church or home group? As soon as you meet a few likeminded friends you'll feel much better and happier and church will be a wonderful place where you feel close to God again.

Thanks guys.

I am sure Eaglewings - I am sure the eye rolling is at me. He has done it several times and I think next time after the meeting take him to one side and say I would rather he constructively disagreed with me in the conversation rather than eye roll. (he can be very patronizing). He thinks I am abit of a flake really. He is from a devout family, mother preaches and he's working up to that level and in comparison I am baby Christian.

But in fairness I have often engaged in really intelligent discussion with him. He just doesn't like to be 'challenged'.

But I am being prickly at the moment.

Mamaofwobeautifulboys - I am trying to not do church-hopping. I am being a lazy Christian at the moment because this church is very near. But you are right I think I may need to look at going to other churches.

I don't think I am mourning the loss of the old Minister and his wife as I still have them in my life. We are in touch quite a lot. I was expecting it to be horrible and it was for a while but I think I have moved on from that.

I think sometimes the dark-side twitters on in my ear too much and I listen to it too much.

Thanks guys, lovely support x

Id like to see you try a new church love.

I hung around at mine feelign similar for too long, made a move and am now FAR happier. Could you be brave and try a different one ? x

I think I will, not at the moment for boring logistical reasons but hopefully there will be an opportunity after Christmas for me to try another church..

pancake love your MN name . To start with everyone is equal in God's sight, so just bevause this fella has been a "christian" longer than you doesnt mean nowt! Infact a mature christian will be sensible to know eye rolling is wrong and doesnt show a spirit of humility either. He may have relatives higher up in the pecking order of your church, but to me he sounds like an arrogant twat.

You have every right to ask questions or challenge things, this is all part of growing as a Christian, we are not supposed to be robot like in our faith just tking orders with no question.

All this gossiping to me doesnt sound like the kind environment to be in please, please look around at other churches and find somewhere you feel comfortable. There is freedom in God's kingdom.

gossip, rolling eyes? doesn't sound like the teachings of any church... maybe you want to find another place of worship .. or maybe you don't need to go to any?
Be a good person and believe what you like by yourself. You could join other clubs for company.

It doesn't feel like the teachings of any church at the current moment. Went to Fellowship tonight and I don't like being TOLD what I should believe and do. Help to guide me, help me on my own journey. Am abit gutted and very cross. I wasn't alone in this, a fellow group member came to find me after to talk. I feel like we were gossiping... Urghhhh

I haven't much to add, other than the fact that I church-hopped for 3 years. Now I have found a church I really like and look forward to attending, it feels like coming home. I've learnt more about myself and the kind of worship I get the.most from as well.
Also, prayer helps. I wish you well.

Hi Pancake. I have been through something similar and don't really have any solutions just sympathy for you.

I went to a church which was and still is lovely but I also felt the cliquey thing developing in our fellowship group. Then, apparently totally by coincidence, my invitation to the next bible study (delegated to one of the group) "must have got lost in the post" which just reinforced my discomfort.

I don't go regularly any more but enjoy reading, quiet reflection, watch some Christian tv programmes, etc at home and just go to church when I want to. It works for me and I think my faith may even be stronger now than it was as this way has given me the chance to focus on my personal relationship with God. I certainly don't miss that feeling of walking on eggshells I used to get! I don't believe God wants us to be unhappy and maybe granting yourself permission to go or not go as you feel you want to might help you too.

Thank you Smileitssunny and timidviper for your experiences. I am on my second glass of wine so won't say much cos' it will be alcohol induced drivel.

The fellow group member struck a few chord with me tonight. I am going to ponder on my thoughts and try and get them sounding sensible.

maybe god wants you to move on? I hate being to ld what you ought to believe too. i like to be taught things, be presented with the evidence from the bible and guided, but not told [stubborn emotion] how did they tell you? what was it you were told to believe? some things are open to debate depending on interpretaion, some things are central to faith. depends which it was.

You are a baby Christian compared to Mr Eye Roller?? Err...no! He's behaving like a childish eejit. Hardly maturity of any sort, whether Christian or not.

Please don't apply hierarchical labels to yourself/ others. It's damaging and at odds with the way God views us.