vows

[crackedblackpepper]

Im in massive turmoil at the moment.
I am a Buddhist I have been for about ten years, though I feel like I always have been even before I came across the teachings and had the opportunity to engage in retreats and even to teach meditation myself.
When I was 20 I took these vows they are basic Buddhist precepts called Pratimosksha vows, They have been challenging and rewarding to keep in equal measure 1.dont lie 2.dont steal 3.dont kill 4.dont take intoxicants 5.dont have sexual misconduct (cheat on your partner)
For seven years I have been keeping these vows as purely as possible but since moving into a house with my partner I have been really craving alcohol, I havent even thought of deinking or been tempted in the slightest untill recently, I am in such conflict because I have enjoyed how stable and grounded I have become since stopping drinking in mylife and Im quite attached to the identityof being a non-drinker.
I like how it is beneficial to my mental health to leave it alone but Im craving just a glass of wine to relax, also Iv'e moved to a place where lots of friend live nearby lots are Buddhist and some are not but there are loads of partys and small gatherings which I can never quite relax at and I wish I could hae just one drink to relax but I worry about breaking my vows and drifting away from my spiritual path that has been such a part of my life for so long and hasalso shaped me and made me a far better person.
ahgh I just wish I could make up my mind

My dad the Buddhist practisioner and who has taken his bodhisattva vow has his entire life drank alcohol. (as do many people he knows from budhist world equal numbers don't) I'm also buddhist (secular I like to joke I was born into a buddhist household) and don't drink (not because of precepts but due to medicine I take) We both love our meat.

Those precepts are personal they are up for interpretation and in the words of my dad - 'Some people try so hard to do it 'properly' they forget what they are doing'
To my sexual misconduct is not cheating, no unwanted sexual conact (rape etc) while in some parts of the east that equals being gay. Interpretation. there is no right way, it is the way best for you.

But that is a seperate issue to yours.

You have had major changes in your life. It sounds like buddhism has over the past 10 yrs helped you a lot (in what ever fashion - ground you, and in your own words 'made me a far better person')

Drinking or not in my eyes doesn't necissarily deter from a spirtual path. your attitude to it does.

But it sounds like far more than that for you. Crazing it to relax etc is more than just missing it.

Maybe speak to someone from your buddhist community, get a differeent pov.

Basically think carefully as to why you want the alcohol, why you think your relationship with it may deter you from the way. That is the only way you will get your answer.

Thanks so much for your response and your insight its true what you say about interpretation, vows are supposed to liberate my mind from suffering and when I find myself in conflict I need to evaluate whats going on in my mind and life to facilitate such thoughts.
There is a feeling that i made a pact with Buddha and my spiritual guide and if I break it, I know it will leave a feeling that I have turned away from my spiritual life but is this an extreme view?
Good point about talking with people from the Buddhist community maybe part of my reason for asking on mumsnet is because I wanted people to back up my wishes to break my vows but people on here are wiser and evaluative than I gave them credit for and I appreciate you balanced response Thank you

'tis alright cracked
personally I would view that as extreme 'Everthing changes, nothing remains without change'
Our lives change, we ourselves change, the way we view the world changes and as such our relationship with belief and spirtuality changes and alters. But that doesn't mean it falters. sometimes in the course of change the path we head down alters and changes and switchs and turns. That doesn't mean the destination changes it just means how we get there changes and that is okay.
Maybe this goes beyond booze, that is just a easy way for it to express itself. Or maybe it is about booze - but you yourself have to evaluate (in your own words) why or what it is and what is the best outcome for you.
No one can tell you that, no book or philosophy can give you the answer. and even those close to you can not give you the answer - you must do that.
In my view (and this is comes from my relationship with alcohol and those around me) beginning to drink isn't breaking your vow it is altering your view of it as I said above. But that comes from a healthy attitude with it - if that dosn't exist maybe it would be a 'breaking'

As I once said to a RE teacher. The 5 precepts aren't the 10 commandments. No smitting is going to occure if you don't do them a certain way, no life time in hell awaits you. They are internal and personal and only you can choose how it is best to live out the Dharma and if you do so in a way that is honest wth yourself and causes no unnecissary harm then in my book you are following the buddha's teachings.

I hope you find the answer and that ultimatly you are happy with your decision. After all the worse way to live is with unhappiness with yourself.