Opinions sought: How can the church better support families?

[AnnaFish]

Hi all,

I'm preparing a Methodist church service on the theme of parenting and families. I'd be really interested to hear your views on how you think the church (and Christians generally) can better support parents and families.

Please feel free to be frank and don't worry about offending in the least; I'm interested to hear your honest views.

Many thanks in advance for your help!

I don't know anything at all about how the Methodist church is structured but if people volunteer their time, it might be worth pointing out that it doesn't come ahead of their family commitments. Being the superstar who is there an hour early to set out chairs, cleans every week and organises fundraisers is no good if you leave the other parent home to deal with getting the children ready, don't attend parent's evening and brush off your kids all the time because you're 'busy'.

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.? Fab bit of parenting advice there. Parents who belittle, bully or otherwise undermine the other are setting an appalling example to their children and creating an instable home environment.

Good luck with it :)

Well 'Christians generally' can support families in exactly the same way non-Christians do: a non-judgemental listening ear, practical help in difficult times.

As for the church as a whole, I'm a confirmed atheist but there are a couple of churches locally which do really good work for the community, including:

Good quality baby and toddler sessions, where everyone is welcome, Christianity is not pushed too much and the volunteers are approachable and ready to listen or help if a parent is struggling.

Drop-in coffee morning type sessions where parents can go for a chat and there are toys available to keep the kids entertained.

A cheap cafe with a small children's play area, great alternative to high st cafes.

Family fun days and a Church service in the local park every summer.

With all of the above, one of the best things IMO is that it doesn't matter if you're Christian or not, if you wanted to get involved in the religious aspects you'd be very welcome, but if not no one would pressurise you or make you feel out of place.

Don't throw us out of church because our children are being a bit noisy

and

Pick up the phone once in a while when we're having a family related crisis instead of just nagging and pressganging us in the street to attend choir Some of us have more pressing problems.

In my experience the church we used to go to (CofE) was just some glorified Darby and Joan club and offered no real support or even sympathy for the problems that modern families face today.

Sorry for sounding resentful.

Thank you so much guys for your honesty and for taking the time to respond. As long as you're happy for me to, I'd like to print out your replies on sheets so that the congregation can discuss them. If anyone would rather I didn't, please say. Thanks again for your help - fantastic.

And btw, I agree with all of the comments you've made.

Sorry that you didn't have a good experience Hidden.

In my experience Churches often have a great desire to support families but sometimes don't know how. On the oher hand Churches can be great at supporting families and parents.

I agree with Pozzled that toddler groups can be a great support to families and its really good to hear that from a atheist perspective too. I think that baby/toddler groups should offer support to families without pushing religion because support in itself is what is really needed and because support is faith in action. I think though that they should make families aware of services and other activities that happen in Church and in particular try to involve them in particular events eg Christmas, Harvest, Easter. So like a link between Church and community where people can chose how involved they want to be.

A great thing I came across which I think is quite unusual but can really help families with teenagers is 'revision week'. This was held in May half-term and was for years 11, 12 and 13 who could come everyday and revise for exams whilst also have time to chill and socialise with friends. I think this really helped the teenagers as well as their parents to have this week.

Finally (I feel like I've rambled on a lot!) here is a post from a young mum about how she was supported practically by Church family when she had her first baby

You have to show that you genuinely care about everyone in your church, regardless of age and stage. Church is about being welcoming and making friends, so you have to be a church that is attractive to young families.

It's always easier to think of practical things you can do, so things like:

a mother and baby/toddler group
a parenting course
baptism preparation
a babysitting circle
coffee mornings
ladies' bible study with creche
Sunday school and creche
social evenings
etc. etc. etc.

Welcome new mums to contribute to other groups, eg by helping provide refreshments to the older folks' groups.

You have to provide for physical needs, but also spiritual ones.

Stop being so prescriptive about what constitutes a "family".

Can you say more on that, seeker?

AGree with Mind the gapp, but also make sure that everything doesn't stop in school holidays. Our creche for services and toddler groups always stop just when people need them. Yes of course some people are away etc, but not everyone jets off every time school finishes...

Have not encountered the problems seeker does.

Ah, yes. We do run our toddler group in the holidays - but mostly it is in the form of a picnic in the local park/water play area. We try to get new people to step forward and lead these events, as regular leaders do need a break (and if they have school age children, will be off on their own holidays).

Our coffee mornings targeted at young mums turn into garden picnics in the Summer, and craft afternoons in half-term breaks.

The other thing that I thought of as useful was a new baby meal service (aiming to provide a hot meal for a family for two weeks after a new baby arrives). This can be extended to any other family event that makes shopping and cooking difficult.

Not asking new mothers to volunteer....its off-putting and guilt inducing.

If you provide a creche dont glare at noisy babies if the parents decide not to leave their children with near strangers.

The mothers union always used to be an excellent source of support when my teens my little, now i have a young baby they dont seem to exist anymore.

Often, mothers dont want help with their children but would prefer to have practical help with say, ironing or hoovering so that they CAN spend time with their children. As a mother, i apreciated these things when my now teens where very small, and then when i was more sorted and they were at school, i volunteered (without being asked) to do these same things for others

Give some thought to families with children who have special needs. Listening is the single greatest gift I'd put at the top of my wishlist (whether or not special needs are involved), but so often churches get it wrong. Like the priest at a neighbouring church who had put on a special event and who said my DS was "spoiling it for other people" , and tried to "force" us into the back room . Who ignored my email when I contacted her saying how hurt we were. And when I wrote to her again, offering to educate her church, was told that they already knew it, and referred me back to my own church for "pastoral support".

Our local CofE church is very elderly so we used to go to the Baptist church as it was the only one in the area with anything for teenagers. E.g they ran a youth club and Youth Alpha courses which were very busy and yet no other church in the area did them.

I feel a lot of churches cater for the very young and the old but do not have much inbetween

On the subject of children in church I think it is a difficult line to tread as what to some parents is normal, childish exuberance to someone else is bad behaviour and it is hard to find a balance where everyone can enjoy themselves. Whilst most children are lovely to see and hear in church there are occasions where it is not unreasonable to expect parents to intervene. It is a hard balance to strike though and it is horrid for people to feel offended when they need support

I read on this site that some churches make up bags of small, quiet toys to give to young children and their parents in church (to be returned at the end of the service). I thought that was a great idea to help make children feel welcomed.

I think it is nice if kids can feel that a church belongs to them too and that they are a part of the church family. I guess this could take many forms, whatever helps to make young people feel involved. It doesn't have to be part of the main service but could also include other things that are part of church life.

timid I think that you are right re Churches catering for the very young and very old but not those inbetween. I'm not a parent myself but I do think that often Churches do less for parents when children hit school age and then in some cases even less again when they hit secondary school.

I have known Churches to put on some great after school activities though. For example a children's service once a week which included refreshments and a chance for parents to socialize too. This was for primary school aged but the Church also held an after-school club for lower secondary (yrs7-9) kids which was mostly about socializing and having fun but also a small amount of bible teaching.

I loved the idea mentioned upthread of a revision club, wish we could have had one of those.

When our DCs were teenagers the baptist church ran a youth club which was fun but very religion-focussed, organised activities beginning and ending with prayer which put off a lot of young people who felt a bit overwhelmed by the intensity of it. My DCs were fine with it but were embarrassed to take schoolfriends.

Several parents suggested a teen group that was just a safe place to hang out and have fun, run with christian values but not too intimidating so young people would bring in their friends and were willing to give up time and money to do it but not one of the local churches would try it. The baptists wanted to be more evangelical and none of the other churches were interested in anything for teens.

We have recently started going to church as a family. I would consider for us these the most important things

1. We have an older teen with severe autism and a learning disability, we like him to be acknowledged and experience the church in a way that is meaningful for him.
2. We have a young pre-teen. She would like to meet people her own age and feels too old for the children's group.
3. We like the fact there are a lot of different services, groups each week in a different style.
4. We love taize, contemporary, older style music and that there are always new things being introduced.
5. We love all the social things we are being invited to.
6. We love they have an updated website.
7. We love the greeters at the door before and after the service who chat to us.
8. We love that they are innovative, always new stuff happening and new plans.
9. Most of all the people are warm, kind and real.

Thanks everyone - there are some brilliant ideas coming up here. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Keep 'em coming!

I think the church can support families by getting more intergenerational fellwoship help, often when people may not be near their own parents, a baby sitting circle can include not just other parents but younger grandparents and its really good for kids to have things with their wn age group but alos it is one of the few opportunites to meet other adults and groups that are not friends or parents

I think it is really important that when they say family service they make it clear it does not just mean mums dads and kids, as I married and had children later in life it really annoyed me when single it seemed the term family was exclusive not inclusive

I love the Catholic church that I go to now because it's full of babies and toddlers making noise and nobody minds. Sometimes you can barely hear the priest, but that doesn't matter because it's so nice to see that parents have the confidence and feel comfortable enough to take their children.

A good church is welcoming and takes anybody/everybody regardless of whether or not they fit the prescribed mould. The two elderly nuns at the convent were over the moon when I took ds1 to their video night and they included him in conversations and asked his opinion 'n' stuff. It felt great

Welcome is so important. For some people coming into church with children is a huge undertaking and just for someone to say hello and ask about them can help.

I also think it's great to have some area for toddlers/pre schoolers which isn't just a few dog eared books, pens that don't work and incomplete puzzles. In one of my churches we made a big effort to make a lovely area with bright rug, new fun toys and books and even comfy chairs for breastfeeding/chilling out. Parents and dcs could wander in and out as they liked. The only problem was it was right at the back so you could feel a bit out of it. I love the idea of making an area like this right at the front of church :)

Having different services like Messy Church and cafe style services can really help support families - and like Mary says making sure people are aware of families with sn children (and adults) and looking after and making them welcome.

Just listening, being there and showing care by actions can do so much. If we aren't obeying Jesus' command of loving one another then there is no point imo.

what seeker said

have recently started going to church and sometimes different (other than RC) churches and bizarrely (or not?) Catholics in person seem much less judgy about single parenthood, children in same family having different dads than other happier clappier denominations, and the impressions I brought with me from childhood

Yes, I've found that about the RC people. Nothing seems to faze them whereas I thought they'd be the exact opposite. It makes a pleasant change.

Comprehensive ministry for men re how to be husbands/partners, how to be fathers; activities for men (the States have got one-up on us with the last one). There is a real lack of clear roles for men in families - generally as well as in the church.

Clear and committed support for one-parent families - usually women, sadly ie women who struggle with having to wear so many hats and keep the whole shebang together, desperate for help of some kind, not wanting to burden people but really needing practical as well as emotional support eg mowing the lawn, helping with paperwork etc, providing a male perspective or someone to bounce ideas off (we don't have someone we can offload to at the end of the day, particularly about the children). Most lone parents have a sore heart of some kind - this is not recognised, or ignored .

don't take a break of normal activities over the 'holidays'. Most churches suspend all usual meetings at just the time when eg lone parent families need them the most. Not all of us are too busy having 'family time' or going away on summer holiday/s to attend meetings. God doesn't take a holiday (as far as I'm aware). Some churches say that the vicar/pastor/priest needs a break: train up others to take the flak while s\he is having a break so that the meetings don't stop.