Teenager reluctant to be confirmed

[WelshCerys]

What to do? My 15 DS has been through part of the local RC Church confirmation programme - does not want to continue. His siblings were confirmed - but no 2 wasn't over enthusiastic but just went ahead nevertheless.
His second sibling showed my DS Richard Dawkin's book, The God Delusion - a few years ago and I'm afraid it was quite an influence. I wasn't at all pleased - DS was about 12 or 13.

DS goes to a faith school and was interested and keen until a few years ago ... going through the motions or would confirmation bestow the graces that seem to me in these difficult times, to be very precious.

DH is most discouraging - himself a lapsed Presbyterian and I dare say there is some anti Catholic stuff going on which of course he denies.

Says it's a 'declaration of faith' and therefore must be meant 100%. I don't see it quite like that - I see at something I can facilitate for my DS before he rejects Christianity (if he does) - from a position of knowledge and of course the Church will always be there for him. Decision time is imminent - I feel low - feel I've failed to keep those promises made at baptism on behalf of our children - and feel I've failed to be the good influence that I so want to be.

Am I being ridiculous? Anyone a similar dilemma?

Hmm, I don't know, I would say that he is at the age where if he is pushed he will run further the other way, and it will be counterproductive. My dc are not that old yet but if it comes to it I would never make them, I would be much happier to let them make their own decisions about these matters, and if they want to explore other stuff or reject what they have been taught in a way they are going to whether we like it or not. You can keep the baptism promises by continuing to pray for him, being open to discussing it with him without bias, and demonstrating a love which frees them to go their own way. Must be hard for you though, all the best.

He's old enough to make his own mind up. You should be proud of him for having the intelligence to not be led on this.

I went through a "crisis of faith" as well, as a teenager. I would have been extremely resentful if someone had forced me into a confirmation that I wasn't ready for. The message that you're sending isn't a good one either - it's OK to lie at an important church ceremony? (And if it's not that important, then why all the fuss?)

I can see why you're sad. But I think that you would be a better "good influence" by keeping the lines of communication open and showing that you realise the importance of everyone finding their own path, rather than forcing a reluctant teenager to make promises that he doesn't actually mean.

You have done the opposite of what you think...you have brought up a young man with his own mind, who is not willing to make statements he doesn't fully comprehend or subscribe to.

I was brought up Catholic and I entered into the confirmation programme, where I expected to find answers and reassurance. Instead I found my questions remained unanswered, the leaders told me to 'just get confirmed, and ask the questions later, it'll all work out fine'. So I did it under pressure and I lapsed directly afterwards, deeply disillusioned with the Catholic church and its attitude to integrity.

My advice would be to let him make his own way. Being confirmed a Ctaholic is just what it says - he would be confirming his own desire to subscribe fully to the Catholic faith and he's currently not in a position to do this.

I feel it would be wrong to try and make him. It won't make him a good person, being confirmed. It has to come from within, not top down.

With my first paragraph I was seeking to compliment you on your son.

I would be proud of a child with his integrity.

It might help to think of it like marriage. You wouldn't encourage someone to marry without being fully prepared and willing to commit for life.

I am not terribly religious but isnt the whole point of confirmation, a confirmation of your own beliefs?

So if he does not want to be confirmed then he should not be forced?

I wasnt christened as a baby as my family didnt believe in forcing religion upon me. However, I decided at 15 that I did want to be confirmed, so I was christened the day before!

My parents were shocked that I had decided to do this as we had never been to church but it was something I felt strongly about so they supported it.

If you son is not ready / doesnt want to do this, then you should respect that decision.

I come from this from a slightly different perspective. I am an atheist, with a Catholic DH. Our DS is baptised. However, one of the things I was very specific about when agreeing to DS being baptised as an infant was that if he got to confirmation and didn't want to do it, he didn't have to. I wouldn't tell him that he shouldn't, but conversely DH would not apply any pressure that he should, nor allow his family to. It would be entirely his decision.

I understand why you are sad, I think DH would be too, if our DS decided not to be confirmed. I also think it is very brave of your DS to actually say this to you and not just go along regardless.

You probably don't want to hear this, but I would also suggest that if his faith has been influenced by the God Delusion I suspect it wasn't that strong to begin with.

You should allow him the choice.

It's unusual to have a strong faith as a teenager anyway - I got very caught up in the beauty of the church and the music and the friendships I had there, and spiritually I was very committed but when it came to Catholicism itself and the doctrine, I had a lot of misgivings when it came down to it and no one was prepared to help me lay those to rest, so I never did.

Understanding and committing to a particular religion is not the same as a strong faith in God. They can be very different things. I had the second at the time, but not the first.

In time he may come to want to be confirmed. Think how pleased you will be if and when he comes to that himself. My mother was in her twenties.

She is still a committed Catholic now. She made her own choice and it stuck.

Haven't read all the posts but I think you are being absolutely ridiculous. My parents bullied me into being confirmed when I was starting to question my faith at age 12/13 - I think like you they wanted to get me signed up before I went off the boil. For them it was a social embarrassment if I wasn't confirmed as well.

Outcome - outright rejection of faith on my part. I'm not saying I wouldn't have reached the same conclusion if I hadn't been strong armed into confirmed, but it really made me despise their beliefs that they would attempt to get me to sign up to something I didn't 100% feel comfortable with.

I think you need to take a long hard look at why you would try to get your son to do this if he doesn't want to. Would you have him make a declaration in front of God that he doesn't fully sign up to? Don't you think he is at least affording your religion some respect by declining to go through with a charade?

I didn't get confirmed as a teenager as, like your son, I didn't feel I could make that commitment. I went on to think and discover my faith in my own time and got confirmed at the age of 25. The whole experience of confirmation meant a lot to me, unlike that of DH who did the usual conveyor belt confirmation as a teenager.

is there anyone in the church you feel you could ask for advice? Would your ds be willing to go on a retreat to investigate perhaps where he stands, would it help him to step away from this course?

sorry just read that you are actually hoping to speak to people going through something similar. Dd is a lot younger

I hope things work out for the best for you all

I had absolutely no choice about being confirmed. My views and wishes did not enter into it. Neither did I have the choice about whether to attend Church or not. At the age of 18 I left to go to university and with the exceptions of weddings and funerals I have never been to a church service since then.

To be confirmed when he does not wish to be surely invalidates the whole process? I personally dislike "social" baptisms where you know that it has nothing to do with faith and everything to do with having a party. He can be confirmed or not, now or later. I admire his integrity.

At their first confirmation meeting/lesson our priest makes it clear to the teenagers that they should only be there through their own free will, not because their parents want them to be confirmed.

Apparently there's usually one disgruntled parent every year! But the priest is right, let your DS decide. I was an atheist at 15, but just got confirmed this month at the age of 44

Confirmation has to be his own personal statement that he confirms the statements you made on his behalf at his baptism. If he's not certain that he wants to make those statements, then you have to respect his viewpoint. You have done everything which you said you would do at baptism, so you don't have to feel any failure on that score. But that's the reason why confirmation is kept as a separate thing from infant baptism - it's just not something that anyone else can or shoul decide for him.

I was brought up in the church, went to Sunday School etc, but when it came to confirmation I decided that wasn't something I felt able to do. But then in my early 20s, I became actively involved with church again, and was confirmed - and it meant so much more to me to be doing it as an adult, with a genuine feeling of committment to it than it could possibly have done if I'd been pushed into it as a teen.

Fast forward, and I'm now married to an ordained minister. But DS (17) despite a lifetime of church and even being a chorister hasn't chosen to be confirmed. If he does decide to eventually, I;ll be happy for him. But I won't push him either way, and if he never wants to, then I respect his point of view and love him just the same.

I wouldn't push him into confirmation. I was also confirmed as an adult - I came from a catholic background but wasn't ready to be confirmed as a young teen. I found my own way back to the church when I was ready and it was wonderful to have the opportunity to be confirmed then when I was ready to accept the grace that comes with it. If I had been confirmed as a teen perhaps the seed would have lain dormant within me and grown when I was ready to nourish it, but I think it was far better to be able to make the decision and commitment myself.
(My DD has recently been confirmed and although I am very pleased she chose to be, I am a little sad that they are confirmed so young before they have fully developed their own independent faith).

I also rejected confirmation as a teenager after going through the classes, I just did not feel 'ready'. I then chose to be confirmed in my mid 20s and am now very involved in Church and spiritual life - I would respect your DS's decision, he has clearly thought about it and that should make you proud. So many people go through confirmation (or have their children christened/baptised) without giving it any thought about what it really means.

I suspect DS2 will reject confirmation.

I shall however have him at least start confirmation classes, so that he does think about it from various angles, and to make sure he has actually made a decision not just fallen in to a course of action. But I know must respect his decision when the time comes.

WelshCerys, Just reread your OP, the church will always be there for him regardless of if he is confirmed, and you haven't failed. You have shown your DS a path to God, you cannot make him take it. Eventually he may, or he may choose another path, or not. Whatever happens you have shown him your path so you have not failed to keep your promises or to be a good influence.

I wasn't sure what I actually believed when it came to my confirmation. In the end even though I was a girl I chose the confirmation name Thomas and when asked why I said because I feel a bit like doubting Thomas and they accepted it. I went thorough the whole thing because thats just what everyone did within my peer group.

Nobody should be pushed or coerced into being confirmed - or to even follow a religion.
Being a good infuence is leading a good life and teaching your child to be honest and mindful - its not about forcing them to follow a path they may not wish to follow.

As an RS teacher I taught the issue of confirmation and initiation ceremonies to my GCSE students last week. Basically confirmation IS an initiation ceremony. Look at the vows and promises they make. It is the young person saying that they truly believe in God and Jesus and all that goes along with Christianity.

If you have raised him as a Christian and taught him about Christianity then you HAVE kept your vows from his Christening. There is nowhere in the Christening ceremony that says that you vow to drag him to his confirmation ceremony, kicking and screaming if necessary.

The confirmation is down to HIM. It is him confirming the vows that you made on his behalf as a baby. It is most definitely a 'declaration of faith'.