Why Emotional Empaths Stay Lonely Or Alone
By: Judith Orloff
Published: February 2011
Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn?t always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. In my medical practice and workshops I?ve been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call ?emotional empaths? come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Some are in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn?t simply that there aren?t enough ?emotionally available people?, out-there, and their burnout isn?t ?neurotic.? Personally and professionally, I?ve discovered that something more is going on.
Emotional empaths are a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thriveon the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, and may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner?s energy and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don?t have time to decompress in our own space. We?re super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five. Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they?re afraid of getting engulfed. Or, they feel being coupled, is a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn?t understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn?t feel safe.
For emotional empaths, to feel ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space- needs. And redefining your physical and time limits that you set with someone so you don?t feel stifled. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm?s length. In doctors? waiting rooms I?ll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends it?s about half that. With a mate it?s variable. Identifying and communicating your boundaries can help intimacy flourish, even if you?ve felt suffocated before.
If you?re an empath try practicing the following tips.
Tips for empaths to feel at ease in a relationship
Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate
As you?re getting to know someone, share that you?re a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will understand, the wrong person will put you down for being ?overly sensitive,? and won?t respect your needs.
Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style
Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, and not getting a good night?s rest is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, so discuss options with your mate, as non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.
Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs
You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn?t a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, ?What space arrangements are optimal?? Having an area to retreat to, even if it?s a closet, a room divider, or separate bathrooms. I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to.
Tip 4. Travel wisely
Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. ?Out of sight? may make the heart grow fonder.
Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks
Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape preventsemotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room.
In my medical practice, I?ve seen this creative approach to relationships savemarriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who?ve been lonely and haven?t had a long-term partner before. Once you?re able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.