Calming/controlling techniques to stop me crying at work please!

[PavlovtheCat]

I am having a bit of a time at work for reasons I won't bore you all with, but let's just say, I am struggling to talk to my manager about some issues I have without turning into a weeping mess, and on friday I did the same with a colleague, in open plan office and other colleagues saw too.

It is born of anger/frustration/fear of being used as a scapegoat/hopelessness of the situation.

At home I am defiant and strong and very 'how very dare they, these are my rights, and I know you are in the wrong for these reasons' I am a union member, know where I stand, have the brain to gather my info etc etc etc.

Yet, when I attempt to demonstrate my position clearly with a/b/c/evidence, or attempt to make any rational thought whatsoever, I turn into a big fountain, struggle to string a sentence together without appearing like I am losing control and struggling to cope.

I need to focus myself on monday/tomorrow.

Please give me your best 'chin up' techniques?

bump, it disappeared already!

I know i could jfgi but i want tried and tested techniques from nervous wrecks like me.

I am so far avoiding sleep, thinking of excuses to not go to work and trying to keep the knot in my stomach from turning over in somersaults.

bump!

sorry i dont know what to suggest. i have been there though, and i just changed jobs, well careers actually.

Pav,

Not sure that I can answer your question BUT

1. suggest you put this on another board - employment,

2. to diffuse your stress, can you put your point of view in writing to your manager - then ask for a PRIVATE meeting. You shouldn-t have to discuss your affairs in the middle of an open plan office surely?

3. get advice/support from Union. Can you take a union rep with you to meeting. Who knows the situation - who could speak up when you lose the plot?

good luck...

Pav, I know how you feel - I was there once too.

My best suggestion (whic h is what I did) is to look for anther job, and when you get one, move.

sometimes you get this - when it happened to me it knocked my confidence for six, and it was a long while till I felt like I was a worthy employee.

Please do post this in employment for more advice, though.

Thanks everyone, I do not want to look for another job, although beleive me I have considered it! It is a good job (in theory) i used to love it, have invested a HUGE amount of time and effort into it. It is a career job, and I WILL NOT be bullied out of it because they are attempting a cull before redundancies strike! And, i have good working hours around the children, and good pay, holidays etc, just very shit managers and very very shit direction from above about saving money. The pressure is immense. From everywhere.

I am in touch with my unions, and am starting to unpick some things/write things down. I know what I want, and how to get it in theory. But it mostly involves me not blubbing and making a fool out of myself but being strong and resolute, and determined, and confident that I am right.

If that makes sense.

Today, when I found myself on the verge of tears, i made a very strong cup of coffee for myself. But I can't do tht all the time or else i will be wired!! But I got through the day without tears, I smiled sweetly at my manager while tapping away a complaint letter when she was not looking

I am just so up and down atm, one moment I am all positive and bubbly the next, a mess. I must appear neurotic!

Once I have formulated what I think is going on, and need some specific advice on where i stand, i will pop over to 'employment' for a chat with some experts. I suspect I have been wrongfooted badly, but also that there are various areas this has happened in, need to unpick it all a bit. It is hard without giving myself away to colleagues if they use this forum.

Hi Pavlovthecat -- sorry I didn't see this at the weekend. As a lazy longterm lurker I don't normally post but I really feel sympathy for you. That feeling of loss of control of emotion is absolutely horrible and infuriating.

I read your post to my DH. He used to be a senior manager in a large public company. Here's what he had to say.

The reason you are getting emotional is because the situation has got so bad. You are in a vicious circle. You are under stress trying not to get emotional. Your emotions are showing the level of stress that you are under.

You want to get your point across - put it in black and white in a document (every relevant detail no matter how small) - take as long as you need to get it right.

Deliver the document to the next person up the chain who is not involved in bullying.

Deliver it on a Friday at 2pm. The reason for this deadline is to give them time to consider it properly (it avoids the knee-jerk "let's sort this out tomorrow morning).

Get legal advice (regardless of Union membership). If anyone asks you have you taken legal advice you need to have the answer yes.

The only other thing I will add is please post in employment. From longterm lurking there are some really good posters there like Flowerybeanbag

crawk i also work for a large (ish) public organisation. He is not an old boss of mine is he [grin
] seriously though. He is absolutely right. I just don't want to be seen as a trouble maker, but it all feels so 'wrong'. There is nothing obvious, but when I have written it down it looks horrendous, and such a mess i don't know where to start with writing it formally, where one thing ends, and starts again.

But, writing it down, and out of my brain, and emailed to my work address, where I know it is there when I am ready/have to to edit/send, makes me feel much much better.

I might PM flowery actually. Problem is, my issues are as such as if I state them on the www, my position, the company, and who I actually am, and therefore some of my clients, might be apparant to those who are in the same profession, if they use this site.

Thank your DH for me, he has helped me realise/confirm these feelings are not me. Are not my paranoia. Which I actually felt today 'xx can i have 5 mins' sideward glance towards me, me thinking 'are they going to talk about me? are they stitching me up? what is going on? is there a conspiracy?' when it is highly unlikely it was anything to do with me whatsoever - an example.

As someone who has been in a similar situation to you in the past I sympathise. I think that crawk has some really good ideas. In addition, you may also want to consider some general tips for dealing with stress. If you google it I'm sure you'll get loads of ideas. Personally, I always try to get out of the office at lunchtime for some fresh air and time to myself. I find I really miss it if the weather is so bad I can't get out. When I am very stressed I don't sleep well. I find that doing some exercise in the evening helps me to sleep. I suppose other people find that a long bath etc helps them. I also try to eat properly. WHen I get stressed I tend to eat too much chocolate and then find I don't feel as though I have the energy to cook a proper meal. Now I try to have nutritious microwave meals in the freezer.

Ultimately, I got another job and it was one of the best things I have ever done as I was miserable before. I appreciate that this may not be appropriate for you. Even if you don't yet feel ready to speak to other people in your office about what is going on you may find it helpful to speak to someone such as flowery or a close friend / colleague that you trust. I didn't and, looking back, I think it would have helped me at the time.

GOod luck

Hey Pavlov, hope today wasn't too bad?
Thought I'd share one of the stress techniques with you?
I have had similar experiences and one technique I found successful is the emotional freedom technique, aka tapping on your face technique.
If you google it, you will find a series of tapping points and you repeat to yourself something which describes the issues. For me one example was 'although i am terrified of crying in front of everyone, I truly and totally love myself'. 'Even though I think I will die when I board a plane, it is amazing to fly and I truly love myself.....'
Once i did this a number of times (even in the loo at work) it's amazing how calm I felt.
Also, if you are up for it, I can certainly send you some distance energy healing to clear you? Anythings worth a shot?

jaffa yes, exercise! great idea. I am not great at sitting still when I am feeling anxious or stressed so long baths don't really relax me. I tend to prefer them when I am already feeling good, a nice way to unwind with glass of crisp white and some bubbles (rare with little ones eh?!). I took my trainers out today and am considering going for a run on a regular basis. I am contemplating running to/from work, to help psych me up, and to unwind on way home so I can gain some perspective/clear my head. It is only 30 mins walk so won't take too long to run and we have showers.

Problem at work is more, well practice/lack of training/heaped with inappropriate, risky work which could cause harm/pressure on other work due to changed priorities/being held to account for insufficiencies/failings due to inappropriate work being prioritised/implications, suggestions that breastfeeding my ds is damaging my work/suggestions that my development will suffer, and risk of redundancy as consequence of this/lots of negative criticism. So, all this stuff has become impossible to unpick. So perhaps bullying, perhaps something else, not sure what to call it, other than being heaped with a huge ton of shit so I can scared to open an email marked from my line manager.

The things I am taking so far which I think will help me are:
writing it down, every tiny little detail. I will work out what is trivial and what is relevant later.
Going for a run. Possibly running to work, definitely walking in.
Eating better.

Anything to help me while talking to my manager would be good, so what is in my brain comes out, and not tears!

indigo it was better than anticipated, but only because my boss was not in much, and I kept my head down and just plodded on. But I sat at my desk mostly with that feeling of fear, i could feel the adrenaline in my throat, that funny taste/feeling/almost like you might pass out if it were too strong? I constantly have the 'fight or flight' feeling, which in my case only ever ends in running away.

Some distance healing would be lovely thank you! As you said, anything will help, nothing will hurt. I am wearing my amethyst which is apparantly a good calming stone. Who knows how I will feel without it and I will try the techniques you mention, than you.

Pavlov I am going to start some distance work on you in about an hour. Glad it wasn't too bad, but still it's not ideal is it? Running is a great idea! Forgot about that one. I am shocked to hear ab the breastfeeding. Are you just back at work? (Sorry if you've already said you are). Flowery has helped me on previous occasions, loving mumsnet for the amount of support that is available. I'll be in touch

How long does it take for the distance work to start taking effect? I ask because yesterday, last night I was very wound up about some new things.

And woke this morning feeling much calmer, determined, and happier...went to work, head held high, no tears in sight and I spoke to union rep (high positioned one too) who is going to address some of my issues with manager on my behalf. I feel much much more in control.

Perhaps coincidence, but by all means keep it coming, it is certainly not doing anything bad!

Hello, sorry I'm so late! It starts as soon as it starts I am so pleased to hear that your Wednesday was a better day Probably that in itself is enough to show you that you can deal with this, and let's hope the manager issues get washed away x

I don't work in an office/hierarchical environment anymore (hurrah) so no constructive advice.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and will join ib. I'm sending positive blessings your way.

Pavlov, how you doing?

Pav I have been in similar situation, can I suggest reading a dummys guid to cbt (cognitive behaviuoral therapy).

I have a similar thing with my family [younger child syndrome] I think that sometimes I feel they gang up on me and I find it hard to express myself, I have read alot about CBT and now understand this due to my own manifestation of anger and find it hard to exhert this without loosing control so I exhort to crying. I have learned this from my own childhood reactions to stress and confrontation for many painfull reasons.

I also find myself in this situation at work and find it hard to articulate myself with out feeling inferiour or the underdog. some CBT things I have read through studdy and then the dummys guide has helped me understand my own actions and reactions.

also when I found that at work I could not move on from this It was time to seek new employment, dont know if a change will help you at all but it definatly did me.

also have just read in much more detail, you need to go through the wistleblowing policy and unfortunatly that sometimes does require a change, maybe you could work with the union to support you seeking a transfere or secondment whilst you take steps through the WB policy, can you locate the managers handbook in your office if there is one or core values so you have a clear understanding of your own position and what to expect from a compliant.

I was a union rep but only for a very short period so happy for you to pm me and see if I can help. this was in health and social care field, if that helps.

Pavlov,

I am inclined to be emotional myself - known to cry at Dumbo (although I was pregnant at the time) - but I discovered a breathing technique from my mother (who was really into Yoga) and it has really worked for me.

It's called Yogic Breathing and this is how you do it.

First of all focus on your breathing.

Then breathe slowly in for a count of 4 heartbeats.

Hold your breath in for 4 heartbeats.

Exhale slowly for 4 heartbeats.

Hold your breath 'out' for 4 heartbeats.

Repeat 4 times.

Then another 4 times if you need it and so on.

Remarkably it does seem to work.

Do it before you face any of the people or problems that you have. Then do it again when you have finished. Eventually, with practice, you will be able to do this 'invisibly'. It is not often that you find your mother was completely right - but I found it to be the case with this technique.

Another technique is to bullet point.

Write down 3 key things you are going to say as bullet points and learn them. Make sure you get these phrases into your conversation.

Concentrate on it - don't finish the conversation until you have the three points delivered word-for-word.

Good Luck, be brave.