Divorcees entering the Catholic church - can anyone here help?

[Housemum]

I want to be received into the Catholic church and am attending an evening course exploring the issues and leading up to the rite of Christian initiation, BUT I have been divorced and am now re-married. I have filled in reams of paperwork, for the judiciary panel to consider whether they consider my first marriage valid or not in their eyes. Without boring you with all the details, has anyone here gone through this? How did you find the process? At the moment it is incredibly stressful and whilst I was on good terms with my ex (we have a daughter) this is threatening to undermine what communication we have, also the relationship with my ex mother-in-law, who I would phone and chat to frequently but sees this as a total insult to her son and is naturally defensive. Is there some light at the end of this tunnel???

OK, on my own here then?

Hello housemum, sorry i don't have any experiences to share, but didn't want you to go unanswered. I think all you can do is explain that it is no reflection on individual people but the rule of the church.

I didn't want to leave it unanswered either. I left the RCC when I remarried, having been brought up RC.

Was your previous marriage in church? Were both you and your ex baptized, at the time of your marriage? If the answer to any of those is no, it should be straightforward.

I think the procedure is a LOT easier than it used to be, at least when I looked into it. I think there is an organisation called the Association of Separated and Divorced Catholics, who may be able to offer more support and guidance.

Thank you both. Dingdong - if this is a lot easier I'd hate to think what it was like before! Unfortunately we were both baptised C of E and married in church, so it is the whole shebang of mega-form-filling-in and needing to find witnesses who will be interviewed by people from the church. The ex-husband is accusing me of hypocrisy (ie how can anyone say that we weren't married, he can't accept the fact that the church is considering that we were too young/inexperienced in the world to have been able to give that commitment which he doesn't agree with) and the ex-MIL is accusing me of rewriting the past to suit myself (she doesn't accept that I could ever have had doubts, despite us having had conversations along those lines before) - so now because of this whole church process, two people that I could have civil conversations with don't want to speak to me. I now want to crawl under a stone...

oh dear.
Well, he is your ex-husband, and she is your ex-MIL, so you don't have to have much to do with them really. I appreciate that it is harder as you have a child with him, but it is in everyone's interest for you all to be civil.

Maybe write them a letter explaining that you feel strongly about the RC church and that you appreciate it must be hard for them to understand, but that you don't want to discuss it any more, and if they bring it up, you will politely remind them of this, and change the subject. And if they don't like it, tough.

I don't have personal experience but AFAIK you are "lucky" to have been allowed to get this far, being divorced and re-married could have served as 2 barriers to entrance to the RC church. You are very brave, good luck with it all.

Can you enter the Catholic Church if you had a child with a previous partner, but weren't married to him?

Housemum, I think the idea of writing a letter to ex and ex MIL is a really good one. I can totally understand why they feel hurt / confused about how the RCC can judge your first marriage which produced a lovely DD. Have you got a friendly / helpful priest who could help you write such a letter. TBH it sounds like a really painful situation to be in.

ILoveFestiveHens- I think the answer to your question is yes, yes,yes. You'd be most welcome in any church.

My parents are staunchly Catholic, my father divirced his first wife and then remarried, while still attending church they were banned from recieving communion. They ended up getting a papal pardon and now both receive.

My ex gave a similar response, soon after telling me he wanted a divorce, he told me he would NOT co-operate in an annulment. I think writing to them is a good idea, but seek advice on what to write, as it will help if you can win them round.

At the time I considered an annulment, the process was taking about 12 years. I've been assured its a lot quicker now (by a lady who tried to persuade me to return to the "one true faith" :) ). However quite apart from the fact I'm now a minister in the C of E, my DH would also need an annulment as he has been married before too!

I have asked the priest to give me some guidance on how to answer their concerns, as I seem to open my mouth and put my foot in it! Wow, Dingdong, I've been told it'll take about 2 years so yes, the process has simplified. I wish there was some way instead of acknowledging that I had done wrong in the past, but I was not Catholic so I am now agreeing to start from day one as it were. I see their argument, and understand it, but also think that whilst if either of us were RC it would be an entirely different matter, the fact that neither of us were, but that I am now saying that I want and agree to live the rest of my life by Catholic rules should count for something.

I know what you mean. I felt hard done by because I'd made clear to my ex that marriage to me was for life and that I wouldn't contemplate a divorce, and we agreed to always work at it. It didn't stop him having an affair and using emotional abuse to get rid of me (he used to tell me I was revolting and disgusting, although that wasn't the worst thing he did). At least we didn't have kids together. In the end, I decided I couldn't face being alone and waiting 12 years would have probably meant I couldn't have had children. Not only that, at church, no-one mentioned the divorce or offered support, so I didn't pursue annulment.

If I'd killed him and been repentant, I would have been OK! Mind you, I might have struggled with the repentance

I presume they're fine with you remarrying? I guess it must be offensive to have your marriage annulled if you see yourself as having been in a genuine partnership in which loved the other, had a child together, tried your best and simply not been able to make it work.

If he isn't Catholic, he probably doesn't 'get' the whole sacrament / covenant / only-option-is-a-legal-separation-no-matter-what idea.

Well, it's in the hands of some anonymous panel now, I handed all the forms into the church today. I did send an e-mail to ex-H, trying to explain that it's not saying that we never married, but rather saying that IF we'd been Catholic and IF they'd advised us THEY consider we were too young/foolish/inexperienced but whatever happened has done so in a roundabout way they are acknowledging a divorce. We'll see how frosty the atmosphere is when he comes to take DD1 out for lunch on Friday!

Mariagoretti - as regards the remarrying, if they agree I'm divorced and they "sanction" it, I'm free to marry.

Dingdong - the thought had crossed my mind too!

I pray it all works out for you, I'd be interested to hear how you get on!

Thank you - it is likely to be a very long process, but the l

Not sure what happened there - fat fingers! The local priest is on my side, so to speak, in that he supports the application.

I'm a RC and divorced but have not gone for an annulment even though it would be relatively strait forward for me to get one as my exh was not an RC - I do know it can take a long time for it to come through - I hope it works out for you -
even though its easy for me to say (as I was baptised when a baby) I think that you shouldn't need a piece of paper to tell you if you are a Catholic or not - think back to the early church ! go to mass and believe. We were taught in school that it was the people who were the 'church' not just the priests (sometimes the clergy forget that)

• I also think that the church needs all the people it can get (judging form attendance at mass these days - and I live in Ireland!) so i'd be surprised if they didn't welcome you with open arms.

I dont really understand why your ex is so upset if he is ok about the notion of a divorce - surly he would be ok about an annulment esp scince he isn;t RC!?

Going to mass and being welcomed into the church is fine - but I can't officially be received into the church and take communion, I can only go up for a blessing, until I've gone through this process. Maybe things would have been different if I'd already been baptised RC, and made first communion as a child - it's become an issue as I am wanting to "convert" having been raised C of E, and become disillusioned with the general lack of true religiousness for want of a better word in the C of E churches I've been to over the last few years.
Ex DH is being a total arse (as usual) because it's dented his ego or something. I don't know if he thinks anything would ever happen, but apparently his wife hates him being on speaking terms with me, if he has a coffee before driving home when he's taken DD1 out for the day (it's a 3 hour journey) he has to dash outside if she phones as she would be mad if she heard children in the background. I hope he's not that stupid - I left him for a reason 12 years ago, I've been happily married for 9 years and have a great life, wonderful husband and 2 more lovely kids!

Housemum - the annulment process is much quicker and easier than it used to be and it sounds to me like it's going to go through anyway (does it have to go through 2 diocesan panels?) I presume it's just in the hands of the canon lawyers now. I've never gone through the process (having never been married), but I've had 4 friends who recently did and 3 of them went through very easily and the other one got through on appeal. It sounds to me like a true case of lack of consent because of the not knowing what was involved - especially as you were not Catholic and could not therefore possibly know!

Once that's happened, do you have to get your present marriage convalidated? If so, I think that would be a lovely ceremony as your husband sounds lovely.

As for ex, he probably lacks the understanding of marriage as a sacrament requiring full knowledge and full consent. He's therefore probably not able to understand about the annulment either and is probably confusing that with a civil annulment. Sounds like he's got the wife he deserves. Best of luck and I hope that this goes through as quickly as possible.

Thanks for that - yes, current DH is lovely though not a churchgoer at all. He's moved slightly from being pretty much atheist to now more agnostic - he can't quite go the next step but that may come

Agree with the "wife he deserves" lol!

Thanks for that - yes, current DH is lovely though not a churchgoer at all. He's moved slightly from being pretty much atheist to now more agnostic - he can't quite go the next step but that may come

Agree with the "wife he deserves" lol!