Just don't really want to live this life anymore :-(

[WhingingMum]

Posting here because I don't think it fits in mental health - I don't want to be told to take anti-depressants. I already do everything I possibly can to combat it. I don't even think I have depression - I have a lack of ability to cope when I am overtired, overworked, bored with my monotonous life, have to put up with my children either hating eachother, or ganging up and hating me. I have also posted here because I am sure this is also an inability to change my view of my life - I am constantly thinking 'if only this would happen, then I'd be fine'. I have read Tolle and know everything he says is true but living it day by day? No can do

I get short tempered and lack any sort of patience. Of course I hate myself when I lose my temper with my children. I shout a lot, I swear, and I am basically vile to them. Hating myself makes me despair and cry - a lot.

I'm fed up of leaning on other people - I'm fairly certain all my friends and family are sick to death of having me ringing them saying I'm not coping. So I feel isolated and under pressure because I don't ring for help.

I don't lack support, I get exercise, I eat well etc. Over and over and over again I get to a good point...and then sink right down to a fucking shit point. I'm so sick of it, and I am totally depressed at the idea that I will inevitably have at least another 15 years of this to put up with. There are no prospects for me to return to work; no way I could work and DH stay at home. I am stuck in this life and I'm sick of it.

Having said all that - when things are good, they're bloody brilliant, and do make it worth the crap times. But I am so aware of the really bad effect on my children when I am down. I really could do with some anger management training but have no clue how to access it without attracting attention I'd rather not have - my children aren't unsafe and, apart from my temper, I am (even though I say so myself) a bloody brilliant mum who takes her job extremely seriously and works very, very hard to listen to and respond to her children's needs. My children are basically lovely - their bad bits are no worse than a lot of children's normal bits!

But what on earth can I do to sort out this real issue I have with my temper when I am short on vital reserves?

Honestly, that sounds like depression to me too. Have a look at a checklist for depression - eg this one - I just found that from a quick Google, please don't read anything into which website it is on.

Even if you don't want to take ADs, talking to the doctore about the way you feel could well get you some support - if you want to talk about anger, then they can help with that too, without anyone getting worried about your childrens welfare - if you tell them you are angry at life, they will understand that.

I have had psychotherapy; and time with doctors etc. It is depression on a clinical level, but, from my experience and reading and long life with it, I know what I need is not pills or more counselling (which I don't have time for anyway!) but some help with managing my temper when I am low, and some tips as to how to view my life more positively when I am overtired and under too much pressure.

Sounds like you would benefit from CBT to help you think positively.

Why can't you work? Maybe it would help your self esteem.

Would rather not say, Riven - too identifiable. Thanks for reminding me of that, though - of course I'll have fewer sleepless nights as they get older, which will improve the situation. And other things will change.

I think I need to make myself a book of reminders of why it won't always be like this.

You sound knackered.
I've heard it said that depression is a manifestation of your needs not being met - so very simply, what do YOU need right now?

Why don't you try on-line anger management ideas? Quite a few options came up when I googled it.

It also sounds like you are putting huge amounts of pressure on yourself! Cut yourself some slack! Have you avoided prison and death today? If so, you've had a successful day!

Might not be applicable but do you feel like this more in winter? (I get SAD and feel very like you've described)

Ultimate

The one need I have that is impossible to be met, is lots more time interacting with other adults...and more sleep.

Good idea about online anger management ideas - will have a google now. And yes, avoided prison and death (narrowly) today - all kids still alive but ganging up on me big time! So stressful!

And I feel like it more in winter because it's easier to feel isolated in winter because of how much harder it is to get out a lot. Over the summer we picnic nearly every fine day, unless we have other plans, so even if we're not with other families (ie. adults!), the children just play and play with all the space and they bicker less when they're outdoors.

Well, firstly congratulations on successfully avoiding prison and death!
From what you say, I think you need to prioritise your own needs. Do whatever you need to do to interact with others and get more sleep. You need to think of that as essential tasks rather than ignoring your needs.
Lower your expectations of yourself - get your DH to do more. Frankly if you need to go back to work to keep your sanity then that is simply what has to happen.
If it's too hard to get out in winter - can you get anyone to come to you?
And just because you're indoors you don't need to be isolated - that's what forums like MN are for!
Why don't you try Barefoot Doctor for some general 'dealing with life' strategies? here
Have a look, then go for a bath and get yourself to bed. The world will keep turning and prison and death will still be avoided until tomorrow morning

Ooh you sound like i was when my dc were smaller- i thought at the time "there must be more to life that this, and occasionally wondered what it would be like to not be alive any more.
Only now i work full time, and surrounded by other adults to talk to and get enough sleep- do i feel 100 times better.
When you get through this horrible phase of your life you may look back,and think, "God, i was depressed back then."

Another one here who recognises the me that used to be, in those early years. I too resisted anti-d's for different reasons.

Getting more sleep did help enormously. Do your kids go to bed at a reasonable time? I trained myself to go to bed at 8pm once a week, and found that made a huge difference.

I also got back to work part-time once they were all in school. Started with voluntary work and things developed from there. It was lovely to rediscover the real me, who makes a much better mum when she's not at home all day.

Hang on in there. Some of the links on this thread look useful. And do keep on posting. MN saved my sanity!

Thanks all - will hold out for a less temper-filled life once they're all sleeping through the night consistently. 3 down, one to go .