Muslim women can I have some marriage advice/wisdom please

[Secretwishescometrue]

Salam sisters can anyone give me some marriage advice cause its all going wrong for me... My Dh is very controlling and iv to ask permission to go out, I can't have my old non Muslim friend over to our home cause he doesn't want non Muslim people in our home around our kids, he thinks I'm a bras wife for lots of reasons one being I don't get up with him when he's going to work I didn't years ago cause I was working myself and on my days off would be shattered then I did when I stopped working when pg then I was wrecked all the time since then as iv two boys aged 4 and 2.5 who are still not good sleepers and I usually end up beside ds2 in the early norm just to keep him asleep and Dh leaves for work at half 6 and the few times iv been in my own bed and offered breakfast he's said no I'm late or sleep but he later says I should get up before him have it ready and get him up cause he's so exhausted and yer I know he truly is exhausted and not in great health but I just am wrecked too... These are some of our issues any advice? How does it work in your home?? Do all Muslim women really have to ask permission to go out is that in the quran?? I don't want my marriage to fail but it feels like it is failing... We only talk about the dc and the last few nights he's slept down stairs not explained why altho ds was sick and Dh got no sleep for a few nights but I don't think that's it and I said to him twice the night before last are you not goin up to sleep and he just said good night... Don't know what's the story... We never get to talk and that's all my fault of course... It's always my fault... Bla bla bla... Please give me some/any advice or wisdom ladies cause it ant good atm, thanks and sorry for rambling...

I'm not a Muslim, but isn't there someone you could talk to at the Mosque?
It sounds to me like your husband is longing for more attention from you.
Maybe if you go out of your way to make a fuss of him, make him feel important, things
might improve.
Perhaps this would make him feel more secure?I think his not wanting you to go out/have friends round is probably due to his insecurity.
Good luck - I hope you can resolve these problems.

Thank you for your kind advice advocate :) iv been home with my boys since they were born with no car and Dh working full time so iv only ever been to our closest mosque twice... I don't have any friends but am starting to meet ppl now ds has started school but don't know anyone to ask or talk to iykwim... Your probably right bout if I made a fuss of him as opposed to my usual still talkin and giving out to the boys when we do actually talk then he might be happier... I know he's not very happy either, I know he'd never leave me but I suppose if I was happier he would be too? I do think I am probably being a lazy arse in not gettin up with him in the morn but I do be sure exhausted... I will try though... Anyways I won't go on and on but thank you for your advice x

Well, I'm not a Muslim, but I'm pretty sure it's not in the quran that your husband can confine you to the house, and tell you who you can be friends with.

And if you're having to get up in the small hours of the morning to see to your DS, it's not reasonable to ask you to get up before him and have his breakfast ready for 6am. Unless he's working an 18-hour day or something.

It doesn't sound to me like he's insecure or in need of more attention, it sounds like he has some really weird expectations of a 21st century wife.

Um, sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

Whereabouts are you and what culture is your DH from?

I'm in the UK and he's Algerian. He doesn't confine me to the house, he doesn't say no to me going just expects me to ask first... He wants good people who have the same values as us in our lives esp around his kids as they are his life. We do not mix with

Mmm...well DH is Syrian, I am English...we both ask each other about going places before we go but this isn't anything to do with our religion (both Muslim) its a mutual respect of our marriage issue more than anything else and I like that

I can see your DH's point with who you mix with though..I am careful with my DS (4.5) with who he mixes with because I am very conscious of my duty as his mum to ensure he has positive influences around him - by that I mean good behaviour AND I good Islamic influences. That's not to say he doesn't mix with non Muslim children because I don't agree with that sort of outlook, but I am very mindful of the influences he has from his friends

However, I do have non Muslim friends visit and its not a problem but that is because I'm secure enough in my faith to be able to not be influenced - they won't bring alcohol or pork in the house and they know I don't socialise in pub environments..its a nice balance really

I think you need to sit down and have a good chat with your DH as to what his expections are of this marriage and yours also. What you need to bear in mind is the cultural aspects of the relationship - most algerian men I know would like their wives to get up with them and make them breakfast etc - its nothing to do with Islam, its how they were raised

Thanks puss you make a good point It is how he grew up, but his mum is an incredible woman who I will never be able to live up to but I think I do need to work harder to get up with him in the morning... My parents are Irish and even my mother used to get up and make my dad tea and toast before he headed off early... If only my boys were good sleepers I wouldn't be wrecked and it would be less of an issue... On the goin out side I think if like your Dh mine showed me the same respect not just said bye see you later as he grabs his his jacket to go... But its the whole I don't need permission from anyone to go

You realise that this reads like you are asking people to help your husband abuse you more effectively?

Riven is muslim as far as I know, I'm sure she would like to advise you on your marriage if she has time.

What are your expectations of a loving, mutually respectful relationship?

I'm sorry, I don't think you should have to pussy foot around him making him feel special for fear of him sulking like a child and then blaming you for his behaviour. Of course it's nice to look after people we love, but not at the detriment of your own needs.

Stupid mobile internet I didn't mean to post yet same thing yesterday on my last post I ment to say we don't mix with each others friends ((fella's with the fella's, ladies with the ladies)) so he won't be gettin to know anyone I make friends with, but he thinks I'm a bit to desperate to make friends that im ott and mightn't be a particular about who I would be friends with like he would... Prob not too far off the mark cause, I Would love to have some friends that I prob would turn a blind eye if they weren't as strict Muslims as us... But still... Sorry I'm rambling again! Thank you for your advice puss I think I need to carve out more of a life for myself then it might all seem easier? I'm a bit torn cause I really want another child but Dh wants to wait indefinitely... But now my big boy has started school and iv my own car now for the first time in over 4years I do have a bit of independence at last which feels great and next year when ds2 starts pre school I could maybe do a part time course or something and maybe do some part time work or re train when they are both in school which would make a huge difference to my life and give me a lot of independence but I just want another baby so badly I'm being pulled in two ways inside myself... Gah sorry sorry such a tangent!

Colditz what do you consider abusive?

He is a very good dad he lives for his boys and has been hands on from day one. That's one of the reasons he works so early Riven so he can be with his boys most of the day too. He is a good person he is very kind and everyone who works with him (all non Muslim) think a lot of him but no he would not want them at home with his kids... Our kids will be in catholic schools and go to clubs with all diff types of ppl but at home it will just be Muslim friends of ours... I suppose that is prejudice in some ways he just feels the home is so important and wants it to be full of good influences etc do you know what I mean?

I am not a muslim but I am an outreach worker and currently support a number of Muslim families.

I can say that each family lives slightly differently but all with strong culturla and religious values.

None of the women i support have to ask permission to go out.

Although i think it is quite common for non muslim friends to have to almost earn the respsect of the husband. It is very much part of my role to ensure the husband is happy with me coming into the home and that can be a real battle at times.
Some muslim men seem rather suspsicious of us.

His controlling behaviour has nothing to do with your religion. It may be in part to do with his upbringing but even so, that does not give him the right to treat yo as a possesion.

he should not be insisting that you get up to make his breakfast. He is a grown man who can make his own, and you have to see to your children who genuinely need you. You cannot do it all and to tell you that you should do it, and to sulk when you cannot or do not, is abusive.

Not allowing you to have your friends visit you in your own home is abusive.

insisting that you should ask permissin before you go out of the house is abusive.

What makes you say he treats me as a possession? I don't ask to do the school runs, pop to the shops etc I used to work pre babies but just if I was goin somewhere like different/outa the ordinary iykwim I was under the impression from fatwas I had read it was normal for a wife to discuss where she planned to go with her husband.? But like that it also said a husband should do the same for his wive... To be honest the only places my Dh goes are work, grocery shopping, and the mosque so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out where he would actually be going to if he was heading out on his day off but tis just different that I would ask him first where as he would just head off... Anyways enuf of my rambling... Again...

Secretwishes, you're 'working' when you meet your boys' needs in the night. Explain this to your husband. Were he on night shift, or on call through the night and called out, he would not get up unnecessarily.

When they start sleeping through, maybe you would like to reconsider: until then, perhaps he needs to remind himself he has two arms (I presume) and can make himself breakfast.

I'm also non-Muslim, though I have Muslim friends. I am also very careful of the influences my child is exposed to, so I think I understand where he's coming from, but I find it disrespectful of him that he doesn't trust your judgement in this area. If it's important to him that his children grow up to respect their mother and respect women, he needs to treat you with clear, unambiguous respect at all times.

Good luck, it can't be easy.

He doesn't sulk... He doesn't eat just gets up gets dressed (in the bathroom so as not to bother me with the light) and goes... I really don't think its about makin him a cup of tea that's important to him I think its that he thinks when your married its normal to see your wife and have a cuppa and a chat to start the day before you head off... And I will when the boys are sleeping properly and not driving me loopy every night... I do think your right about showing respect to me teaching my boys to and he always does but just does not want my old non Muslim friend over... He said I should meet her for lunch or whatever but. When she has specifically asked to come to see our new house when iv suggested this I feel embarrassed about it...

He thinks that as he is married, he gets to have company when he feels like it and it doesn't matter how exhausted and overworked his 'company' actually is?

And regardless of how well you put it, you aren't allowed to bring your friends home. You are a grown woman and he is choosing your friends by making it embarrassing for you to have to explain that he dislikes them and doesn't want them in the house,

Riven that's great that ye have a good system which works well for ye. Colditz I don't have "friends" I have recently started to make some but I haven't gotten to the swapping numbers meeting for coffee stage yet, its my old best friend from secondary school that I'm talkin about, we've not meet up in years but got back in touch via Facebook and she wanted to come up to visit I said id meet her half way but she was on about seeing my boys house etc she was a good friend but our lives really went different directions... She's not exactly living the life we do, her choice totally altho her family aren't too happy but still her choice and while I would like to meet up for a good ok catch up cause il always love her cause she was a big part of my life when I was a kid but my life is very different to hers and I know we wouldn't be even interested in the same things anymore or have much other then our past in common... But I get what your sayin, my home I should be able to have her over if I want... But if the tables were turned and my Dh was friends with someone I didn't want around my kids then that person wouldn't be welcome in my home...

salam

I am a muslim.

I actually have lost track with what your asking.

I dont have to ask permission from my husband for going out.

My husband does 50% of the parenting when it comes to our dd. He earns i take care of the home and we both look after our dd. So hes up during the night making her a bottle while i catch up on sleep, he takes her out for a walk, feeds her food etc etc And i do the things i need to do for him for our dd and our home.

I feel your husband and you dont have a clear understanding on islamic guidlines regarding marriage. Its probably best to read and research on these matters. Culture really messes ups peoples mind sometimes.

hope that helps

Could your dh help you in getting the dc to sleep through the night? Sleep training isn't for everyone but it can work wonders for some dc. It sounds like you'd both love to have breakfast together... but if you're falling asleep into his cuppa it's not going to work well.

FWIW the cultures thing sounds far more important to me than religion in this (and I wouldn't think Algerian Muslim customs are all that far from old Irish Catholic ones when it comes to deferring to the man, husbands going out, wives staying in to mind the kids etc...). So maybe as well as dh pressurising you, you're not pushing him for the freedoms that Islam gives a wife.

Not being Muslim, I'm scared of giving wrong advice here, but I know that round my way there are plenty of sisters/women's circles for converts & born Muslims to explore their faith... I go to a similar Catholic monthly session which gives me a much clearer idea of what I'm trying to live & pass onto my dc & why. And it helps our marriage cos I understanding its underpinnings a bit better, iykwim.

Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful replies xxx