Help help, awful situation in prayer group - advice urgently saught.

[missismac]

As briefly as possible then (with apologies for the necessary length): I have belonged to a friday morning, women only prayer group for some years now. It's been an absolute haven of joy and peace for me & many others. We are between 8 & 15 'regulars' with others dropping in from time to time. We chat a bit, pray a bit, study the bible a bit, discuss then pray some more. Tea and cake are usually involved!

We are all different ages, backgrounds, churches & denominations. We are all at different stages on our paths, but are all Christian and local. The group is very democratic & though we have a 'leader' her role has always been administrative and to co-ordinate who will 'lead' each session.

This week we had an email from the lady who has led the group for the last 3 years. It explained that she had been feeling for the duration of that time undermined by one of the other ladies. This had come to a head during the previous weeks session so she had met up with the other lady during the week to discuss the issue. The other lady insisted that she was doing nothing purposely to undermine the leader. The meeting ended acrimoniously with the other lady saying that maybe she should lead the group if the leader felt that way and the leader agreeing. The email sent to us (the rest of the group) was very defensive with lots of justifications.

So this Friday we all met as usual and we discussed it. The other lady didn't attend. It was awful, absolutely awful. The leader suddenly started to say things like "this is how I run this group and anyone who doesn't like it should leave" (paraphrased). When some of the members tried to talk with her about how upset and distressed they were for our friend (other woman), and the possibility of the leader having got it wrong, or misunderstood she wouldn't let them speak and began to accuse them of betraying her, and not trusting her. This culminated in the leader shouting at one of the group as she was trying to explain her concerns. The woman left, swiftly followed by two others. the silence was deafening. We prayed and chatted a bit more but factions were being created before my eyes.

So what do I/we do? The group is seemingly irrevocably split. And what I thought was a democratic group has the feel of a totalitarian regime. The other lady is distraught - she is a blunt and forthright character & my gut feeling is that the leader has just not coped with her particular personality & has interpreted her way of being as undermining, when in reality it's just the way she is. She is very academic & well read & we all enjoy her insights even if we struggle to keep up with her sometimes.

I as worried not just for the group, but also for the leader, she's a kind and thoughtful woman in general, this all seems very out of character, but there's no getting away from it - what she has done is irreversible. Where do we go from here?

Any views or insights at all would be welcomed and considered. I'm just stuck.

in a situation like that it will never go back to what it was

I would suggest having a new leader entirely , or just have a different one each week, so you do it once , then someone else etc etc. Then no one leads and there's no feuding

Do you know a pastor/minister/other leader who has very good skills in this area? I would suggest you go and speak the pastor/leader, explain what has happened and see if they can offer any help & support to all of the group.

Perhaps the minister type person would be prepared to mediate between the two of them and they could be invited to a mediation meeting on the Friday morning whilst the rest of you meet as usual and pray about the situation????

What NOT to do is discuss it amongst yourselves as it will lead to further factions/gossip/chinese whispers.

Just my initial thoughts.

Thanks for your replies;

Yes bigchris I don't see how it can go back to how it was.

CarGirl, we are affiliated to a local church, but the leader has already spoken to the minister about her situation and seemingly the minister is very much onside with the leaders viewpoint. I may try and meet with her all the same to see if anything can be done.

It's really awful, we are a long, long established group (20 years or so I believe) and each year we have a weekend retreat where 'old girls' - those who have moved away, or can't make the meetings due to jobs etc - come along. This year there were about 30-40 of us. What will happen to all those connections if the group splits?

Hmm but the minister has only heard the leaders point of view - does the minister actually know the other lady & her personality?

This is why I ask if you knew a leader who was good in this kind of situation because not all of them are!

I think the current coordinator (rather than leader if that's her real role), the other lady and a neutral third party who, as CarGirl says, has skills in this area - possible a minister from a church neither of them belong to if one or the other goes to the church the prayer group is affiliated to - need to sit down and discuss why this has happened and what it's done. There can be no way forward without healing there.

Then those three need to come back to the group and you all pray about it together for guidance and for healing. It might be that it's time for a new group to grow from this with people who want to choose a different path and there's nothing to stop people attending both.

Is the current coordinator having a hard time in her personal life at the moment? Is there anything she's shared with the prayer group that rings any bells? And if so, did the other lady know about it?

If you don't mind I'll pray for you.

It's quite likely that the "blunt" lady behaves in a way that the co-ordinator has unresolved issues with (parent or something) which is why she is really struggling with "blunt" lady and it's having such a powerful affect on her. This is the sort of thing that I'd have expected the minister to talk and prayer over with the co-ordinator lady prior to their being anysort of meeting.

I think as a group you need to say "what is God's opportunity in this" the fact he can bring healing to the parties is a very powerful witness or that the group can split amicably into two and allow growth etc.

Sometimes these things happen, and what comes out of it is dependent on committing the group to God in His wisdom.

Our church went through a very painful, nasty split around 3-4 years ago. It came out of nowhere, just as you describe. The church now is smaller, but united. And thanks be to God, those who felt the need to leave the church, good people who had been very active in our church, have for the most part all gone on to worship in other churches and take active parts there.

That is the very best outcome - that despite the harm and hurt that all of the congregation went through, the remaining church is growing and united, and the rest have found new homes to worship in.

You need to all be united in resisting factions and gossip. Support the current 'leader' but be absolutely faithful to the truth. If she is not in spiritual leadership as the leader of the group, she needs to know that she is assuming a role that is not there. Everyone is vulnerable to pride and authority issues.