How do you deal with the bad things that happen to you?

[poshsinglemum]

And not get bitter and resentful- like me?

Depends on what you mean by 'bad things' I guess because I think I deal with different bad things in different ways. I'm sure there are things that would make me feel bitter and resentful if they were to happen to me.

The bad things that are making me feel are;
An abusive relationship that nearly cost me my life, my bi-polar mum who now has cancer and 10 years being single with lots of men treating me like crap.

I'm thinking that bhuddism is the way foward for me.

posh A bit woo but you have posted your post at 13:33 and this means that you have many ascended masters assisting you in your life.
Is there a way that you can look at these things in your life from a different viewpoint? I say this as someone who has had many 'bad' things happen.
The abusive relationship for example, think how you will never get yourself into another and that you now know that you will never settle for anything which rings of abuse. You are someone you would be able to counsel other women and help them to get out of abusive relationships. You are probably so much stronger for having exp it.
You can't take responsibility for your Mum, all you can do is be there, and be yourself. I sympathise with you as I have a friend with bi-polar and I know how this can affect people. Also, the cancer part - I have just lost my Dad to cancer.
If lots of men have been treating you like crap then it's time to be more discerning and the moment anyone treats you in a way you don't like, then stand up for yourself or move on, You deserve so much better for yourself and you are the only one who can command it.
Does it help to look at the things as lessons from which you can gain strength and wisdom?

OK, bad things. I was abused for most of my childhood and teenage years, suffered from eating disorders from aged 14 or so until my 30s, had one emotionally abusive marriage to a man who mostly acted as if he was single and eventually left me for someone else when I was pregnant with DS2. My second (and current husband) spent years as an alcoholic junkie who abused me in more ways than anyone can imagine, to the point that I was ready to kill myself and my children because I thought that this was the only way out. My life was seriously endangered and my mental health practically broke.

3 of my 5 kids have Aspergers. We are chronically poor, with all that entails, despite my OH working very hard, even though I once had the chance to become an interpreter and translator for the UN (AS kids put paid to that.)

I'm not bitter or resentful about it because I reckon that most of this has given me the experience to help other people who may be in the same or similar situations. I have a friend who recently developed an eating disorder. I was able to spot it, encourage her to get help and support her through the worst of it, for example. I was also able to support another friend whose OH was unfaithful. Also, I think that it has all given me a kind of strength and a more compassionate outlook. The bad things, as well as the good things, have made me the person that I am and I don't want to be a bitter old shrew. What's the point in that?

Through all of it, I have been able to maintain my faith (except as a teenager when I was seriously messed up) because I have always felt that things could be so much worse and that God has given me a kind of inner peace and strength to cope. It helps to try and see things from the other person's viewpoint and forgive them, even if you don't really want to. Forgiveness allows you to move on. For example, the person who abused me when I was young was a sad, lonely old man whose life was pretty empty. It's not an excuse for what he did, but it allows me a compassionate window into what happened and understanding this allows me to forgive and move on. I understand a lot of my life through the window of the abuse and realise that many of the choices that I made are a direct result of it. BUT that's my responsibility, no-one else's, just as other people's behaviour is their responsibility.

I don't know quite what I am trying to say here, to be honest. I agree with IB insofar as, you aren't responsible for your mum's illness, you just have to try and accept it and support her as best you can. If you find men are treating you badly, move on from them, easier said than done, I know. If you try to find a positive angle from which to look at things, it helps enormously.

The way I've dealt with the crap is by knowing that I'm a stronger, better person for it. I've learnt a lot about myself, and I know that I do have the ability to get through shit. I know I'll cope, because I always have.

Hi all,
Thanks for your replies. I was thinking of doing some volutary work for women's aid. I think that will help. I also want to make some male friends.
Most of the time I am fine about my life but when I get depressed I dwell on the bad stuff instead of counting my blessings. I am really drawn to bhuddism as it seems to promote general peace and tranquility to oneself and others. I am also drawn to paganism and other nature worshipping ideologies.
I think I have anger issues.
I really admire all of you who deal with your difficulties in such an amazing way.

If I didn't have the past that I have I wouldn't be the person I am today.

And yes I sometimes feel I have more than my fair share of crap dished out. And yes I would like to see it spread about more evenly. No I am not to blame for what happened to me as a child but as an adult I make my life what I want it to be.

I've also recently discovered that I do have the ability to forgive and that has some how made my life better and allowed me to truely let go of the baggage.

Also- I know that I am blessed compared to so many and that noone has the ''perfect life''.
I feel that bhuddism promotes the compassion that will help me through. I don't necessarily want to become a bhuddist but adopt a calmer outlook if that makes sense.

Part of me wonders if I subconsciously attract bad crap by being negative and if I cahnge my attitude I will manifets positivity. Does this resonate with anyone?

manifest

Poshsinglemum...it is certainly true that certain attitudes can affect what happens to us, especially in personal relationships. Often crap nasty people actively seek out people they feel they can abuse and bully, so if you have a sort of "victim" mentality or can't stand up for yourself you may become a target.
Self confidence is the key here (easier said than done). I found doing karate made my body language more positive and assertive.

Mentally I had a harder time and although I do a responsible job I often feel weighed down and inadequate, I don't think my colleagues would say that of me, I have a reputation for being a bit forthright!

When my mum was dying of cancer I had a terrible time and finally found help in reading "the Tibetan book of living and dying". I would consider myself a Christian but I find the Bhuddist faith much more practical in things like death and has a much better perspective than a lot of Christian teachings.

I also found Boethius's "Consolation of Philosophy" helpful, as it was written by a man awaiting execution and is an interestingly pragmatic view and contains that "why do bad things happen to good people?" chesnut.

My friend is a pagan but I find the rituals a bit off-putting. I think it is simply because I am so used to standard Christian church going, rather than them being intrinsically bad in any way.

I have also found meditation and yoga helpful, although very VERY hard to do as I have a very busy, worrying mind which finds it very hard to be still.

Also, bizarrely, I find radio 3 a great help, as it is so far beyond me sometimes I really have to concentrate to listen and understand!!!

I also took up gardening as the long term view you have to take when planting and growing things is very restful and satisfying, and takes only a little effort. It is also very Zen!

I have found all these things (over 10 years, I didn't change overnight) have helped me be more positive and calmer although I am still a bit of a worrier and do look at the downside rather a lot, but it no longer dominates my life.

I used to have a problem with God letting crap things happen & not experiencing them Himself... one day the penny dropped that the whole point of Christianity was He did on the cross and so I wasn't alone.

I recently had a similar eureka moment when I was feeling sorry for myself and inadequate to raise a child with special needs... I imagined the Virgin Mary saying "have you tried raising the Son of God? As a teen
mum?" so I feel like I have an ally upstairs iyswim.

I don't have any kind of spiritual belief.

I don't even believe that things happen for a reason, I just think that because we experience life in a linear pattern we can make sense of our past experiences and connect events to each other.

Basically I just think that shit happens!

OP by saying that you have a negative attitude you attract bad things to you you are taking personal responsibility for them. That might be a good thing, eg in your relationships, as you can control them. However, you can't take any responsibility for what is happening with your mother.

I think that the practical suggestions of Miggsie sound like a good idea, particularly for improving your confidence.

If you feel better inside yourself you will be better equipped for dealing with the shit life throws at you.

It's ok to feel sad and angry and pissed off about things. It's good to acknowledge that you are allowed to feel like that, but at the same time try to realise that the only person who can make you feel less bitter is you.

I am fully aware that that sounds trite, but I can't think of another way to put it

HI PS
Interesting post and v thought provoking / useful answers. I've learned through my reading of Buddhism that : Suffering happens, attachment brings suffering and it does end. (Four Noble Truths).

You say you are interested in Buddhism but what have you done to further this interest? Thanks to this talk board I read Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali - it's great. (Any of her three books are really useful.) ALso helpful is Tricycle review (Google it) which has lots of interesting articles about Buddhism. You can subscribe to a daily articles which are emailed to you - which are really thought provoking.

Hope you can follow through on some of the advice that you're getting here - it's good stuff.

Hi, everyone,

I am in the process of starting to run a spiritual course for mums via my website, and at the moment it's available for £1 as I'm looking for mums to try it out and let me know if it works.

I know that business promotion through the discussion boards is frowned upon around here but I am in negotiation with Mumsnet Towers over ad space right now. And I don't really want to promote my 'business' anyway...I hope that I can offer something that might help a bit and right now you can get it for nearly free.

I'm happy for anyone to CAT me and I'll send a link.

Hope that this doesn't offend anyone, I can't think of another way to let you know this is out there!

spiritmum

Bad things happening to us?

Isn't that called Life?

I have had many terrible things happen to me in my life time. I really don't feel ready to list them. I spent years wondering why me.

I find MN helps as there are so many people on here who have suffered similar. It makes you feel that you are one of many and not singled out.

The thing that helps me the most is to live in the moment. All of the things that happened are past and can only still hurt me if I let them.

when a problem arises now I try to deal with it once, and not live it 100 times in my head, before it even happens.

Lynli, that is a very brave post.

The moment really is all we have. We cannot go back and undo the past, and we can't predict the future. But we can always control our thinking about our past, our future and our present. I don't say that lightly as I know that sometimes changing our thoughts about the terrible things that can happen may be a lifetime's work.

I've seen Holocaust survivors talk about how they could control their thinking even inside a concentration camp.

There are so many amazing and inspirational women on these boards. Thanks to all of you for sharing.

I am currently reading Eckhart Tolle who talks about 'pain bodies' - how basically, so many of us unconsciously feed the pain inside with more negative thoughts and emotional drama, by replaying painful events over and over in our minds - eg he said this and I should have done that; she hurt me so next time we meet I will be cold and distant.

By doing this, Tolle says we fail to let go, we cannot live in the present and so our lives become a vicious circle of pain. We need to stop feeding this part of ourselves and live for now, accepting whatever pain there has been but moving on from it. I recognise so much of this within myself but its a difficult cycle to break.