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Feeling so guilty but I really don't like our dog.

23 replies

guiltyandfedup · 01/04/2010 10:36

Title says it all really.

We have a large dog (quite an unusual breed- so not going to pot what in case DP reads it a recognises me ) she is a bit larger than a labrador. Dp had her when we met five years ago, she was about six months old then.

We have never really 'bonded' at all, despite me having been a dog lover (always had dogs as a child and loved them dearly).

When I was expecting DS1 she would jump up at me all the time and b ang into my tummy and I think this was the beginning of the negative feelings. I am no expecting Ds2 and it has gotten so bad that I cannot have her near me which is not an ideal situation for any of us.

I just have zero tolerance, recently she had a UTI and then diarrhoea both of which resulted in ruined carpets, then she needed an op which asnt covered by insurance and we had to go without our much needed holiday to pay for it.

There is no question of getting her rehomed as DP loves her very much and it would break his heart, but how can I 'live' with a 'pet' wwho I actively dislike.Am feeling really down about it all.

OP posts:
junglist1 · 01/04/2010 10:42

Move out then

guiltyandfedup · 01/04/2010 10:47

Thanks for your help, but i wont be moving out lol!

OP posts:
mynameis · 01/04/2010 10:48

Wow harsh junglist1!

Have you spoken to your dp? Is there anyone who could perhaps look after the dog just for a while to give you a break?

I think you should be happy in your own home you are going to have to try to reach a compromise with your dp.

FioFio · 01/04/2010 10:50

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guiltyandfedup · 01/04/2010 10:55

Fio if you read my post properly you will see that I have said re-homing is NOT an option. At the end of the day I am trying to find ways of feeling more positively towards her, I cannot help my feeling just as someone who feels negatively towards a child or a spouse can.

I want to feel happy and comfortable in my own home as well as the dog though!

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/04/2010 11:04

What a nightmare for you. Could you tell your DH how you feel? There has to be some sort of happy compromise, I just can't think what, and I know nothing about dogs - but is there anything that could be done to help you bond?

Fio - I see your point, but I think the OP knows the dog can't help being ill. But it's like while dealing with your own DC's diarrhoea is bearable, dealing with someone else's DC, and one you don't even like, is much much worse. I'm assuming the same is true of dogs.

mamazon · 01/04/2010 11:05

i think your all being rather harsh.
she has said she feels guilty about how she feels but you cannot make yourslef like an animal.

I don't know the best course of action. i was going to suggest spending more time walking or excercising her so that you can learn to appreciate her, but i see your pregnant so proabably less than ideal.

I think you need to discuss it with your DH.

MmeLindt · 01/04/2010 11:08

Does the dog like you? Is she affectionate towards you and your DS?

Is there something specific about her that bothers you? Her size? What kind of dogs did you have as a child?

Lots of questions, sorry.

Molesworth · 01/04/2010 11:08

I think your DP needs to take some responsibility here. Sit him down and tell him how you're feeling about the dog. FFS, you have a young DS and you're pregnant: I think it's perfectly understandable that looking after the dog feels a bit much at the moment. I'm not saying rehome the dog, just talk to DP so that he can come up with some solutions to make life easier for you.

junglist1 · 01/04/2010 11:11

Just whinge till he gets the dog rehomed, at best, or put down if a home isn't found.
Big deal if you're having a baby. People have babies and dogs all the time. My friend is training a pup and has only had her baby a week ago. She's just getting on with it.

FioFio · 01/04/2010 11:15

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guiltyandfedup · 01/04/2010 11:15

Thank you to the last 4 posters, at least there are some people who can understand a little.

MMLindt- the sad thing is the dog does seem to like me and will come up to me for affection etc but I cannot bring myself to stroke her .Her size does bother me, i am small (five feet) and she is taller than me when she stands up (she rarely does this now though to be fair). It was a real source of anxiety and upset that she was always launching herself at me hen pregnant with DS and the seeds of all this definately got planted then.

We always had little dogs (well just two, they both lived to ripe old ages) when I as a child and I can honestly say I adored them and as devastated when they died. I can meet other p[eoples dogs and like them so its not like I dislike all dogs these days.

I feel incredibly guilty and sad about ho I feel and I am worried that my negativity ill rub off on Ds somehow, he already 'tells her off' for little reason I am sure its because he has sensed how i feel.

Sigh...

OP posts:
guiltyandfedup · 01/04/2010 11:18

Junglist you are not going to win any prizes for human empathy or insight are you. We can all 'get on with it' but that can belie how we truly feel. Please dont post again as I am looking for help, or at least constructive criticism, which you are patently unable to offer.

OP posts:
Molesworth · 01/04/2010 11:21

I can sympathise because I developed a sudden intolerance of my mum's dog when I was pg with DD (my eldest). She wasn't my dog, so I didn't have the bond with her. She was a lovely dog and I did feel guilty about it, but everything she did irritated the hell out of me when I was pg. I just didn't want her anywhere near me. At the time I wondered if it was an 'instinct thing' because I was pg, but I have no evidence to support that crackpot theory!

MmeLindt · 01/04/2010 11:22

Would it be worth going to obedience classes with her?

Are you frightened of her jumping at you?

FioFio · 01/04/2010 11:24

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junglist1 · 01/04/2010 11:25

No, I was a bitch. Am in a strop with someone and took it out on you. Need to wind my neck in.

About your DS, in front of him I'd give the dog as much affection as you can. If you keep doing this, you might start to feel it as well as act it. Approach the dog when she's relaxed, look into her eyes and stroke her. If you do it often, there might be a moment where you connect with her. Stick with it

specialmagiclady · 01/04/2010 11:31

It does sound to me that you have an instinctive - and I think really not unreasonable - fear of living with an animal that is larger than yourself and considerably larger than your offspring at a time when you feel emotionally and physically vulnerable. I'm not surprised.

Dogs are pack animals with a strict notion of hierarchy. If either you or the dog perceive that she is higher in the hierarchy of your family then you have a huge potential problem, I think.

I think if she's jumping up at you then she needs a bit of dog obedience, and I think it's you who should take her. It will reinforce your role above her in the hierarchy and give you some time together to bond.

If I'm honest, I'm a bit - meh - about my husband's cat (who predates me) since having kids. She's basically slipped down my priority list. I find that we get on much better when I actually have to take care of her - take her to the vet, feed her, change her litter - when DH is away.

Molesworth · 01/04/2010 11:39

Agree with the posters who've suggested obedience training for you and dog, or what about hiring a dog behaviourist to come to your home and set you on the right track with her (I realise this might be a v expensive option, but worth a mention?)

coldtits · 01/04/2010 11:42

Try walking her (ifyou can - is she obedient) and being the one to give her treats.

arsesandoldlace · 01/04/2010 11:45

Obedience classes would benefit you both.
Firstly it build a sense of proper 'pack' hierachy for the dog, which would really help in modifying her behaviour.

Secondly, taking these classes with your dog will help you bond with her. Make sure DH looks after your child and take the dog on your own. Learning together will give you a new understanding and appreciation for your dog.
Taking her out of the context of being an irritation at home, you'll develop pride in her when she learns.
You really can learn to love her, but you need to be friends first.

Booboobedoo · 01/04/2010 11:47

I went right off our dog when I was pregnant, and she'd been my baby up to that point.

She had a history of barking at children, and I was very worried about haveing her in the house with my DS. (In fact, she is wonderful with him, and all is well now).

I would suggest playing with him in the park. Does he like a ball thrown for him? Get a training book and teach him some tricks. (And not to jump up while you're at it).

Training a dog is great for bonding. It's such a thrill when they actually DO WHAT YOU TELL THEM!

Solo2 · 01/04/2010 13:25

I think it sounds completely normal to re-focus your love and attention onto your children when start having them and in some ways not feel quite the same about your pet, although most of us will still love our pets. I changed my attitude towards the two cats I had when I was PG and had my twins - still loving them but re-prioritising my sense of protectiveness and love towards my babies first.

The way we feel about our pets is often like we feel towards our children. I've also heard many examples of people feeling less tolerant of their first child when a new baby comes along.

I think this is all instinctive and designed to make us focus on the most vulnerable in the house.

If you also factor in your feelings about your DHs dog in the first place - it wasn't YOUR dog or choice of dog but his - then maybe it's all exacerbated by this. Maybe it's been a bit like having a step-child who you really try to get along with but don't have quite the same connection with as a step parent (Not speaking from any personal experience BTW).

I also supect that ordinary PG hormones make most of us more intolerant and any feelings are exagerrated.

One solution, as well as what others have suggested, would be to get DH to agree to be the sole carer of his dog - doing all the walks, cleaning up, taking to vets, feeding etc etc. After all, it is HIS dog, not your joint pet really. You could say that once the youngest DC is about 1 or 2, you might be more able to continue the dog care but in the meantime, it's as if he's going to be the single parent of the dog and find ways of managing work and dog care too, perhaps even employing someone else to walk the dog, re-train it etc etc, if he hasn't got time.

I know this might sound drastic but perhaps also only fair? It would be different if you were saying how your own adored pet was ill and needy and yet you couldn't find time/ energy etc to look after it as before, now you're PG with another child already too. Then it might be more about you finding ways, supported by DH and others, to continue caring for your beloved pet.

But this sounds as if it's never felt like your pet at all - but his.

Whilst I can also see a good argument for becoming more involved in the dog and doing the training yourself, my own memory of being PG and then having small babies was that I had no time, energy or feelings left over for caring in the same way for my cats - and they were v low maintenance.

I would completely let yourself off the hook, no matter what you decide to do and don't feel at all guilty. Have a heart-to-heart with DH and explain the situation. I hope and presume that he was the one to clean up aftre the poor dog was ill and replace all carpets etc???

There have been so many posts on this list about not getting a dog until you're really ready for it and it sounds as if you're just not in the space or at the life stage right now to interact with this dog. If you were without children, then I could see a much bigger argument for trying to develop your relationship with the dog but your feelings are boudn to be more caught up in mothering your child and expected baby right now.

Actually, could you even get a dog-sitter/ walker who could mind the dog for a few hrs a day anyway, just like you might get more support/ help with older children if you have a new baby on the way?

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