WHY does my cat try to kill me?

[heQet]

I don't think I deserve to be murdered.

She will insist on walking through my legs when I am walking. Or walk in front of me all the way from the kitchen to the living room.

The number of times I have nearly gone head first!

And of course if I tread on her tale, she hurls abuse at me!

WHY do cats do this? (The walking through your legs, not the abuse. I know why they abuse you. They're bastards.)

tail.

oh dear.

I blame her most recent attempt to kill me.

They want to be close to you at all times.

They wait until you're on the stairs too, especially if you're carrying something and can't see them.

Oh yes, she does that.

Cats are bastards.

wants to be close to me This cat wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire if there was nothing in it for her!

They have secret cat insurance out on you. Churchill tipped 'em the nod about it.

I knew it. I bloody knew it!

It'll be tripwires at the top of the stairs next.

I swear my cats have attended some secret "Cat Ninja" classes of which only cats are aware.

The first rule of Cat Ninja Club is you do not talk about Cat Ninja Club.........

I will admit to not being the biggest fan of cats. But I do quite like the mental ones!

I friend of mine has a 'killer cat' he hides from you, then ambushes you. Sinking his teeth into whatever he can get hold of. It keeps you mentally alert while you're in her house!

I am convinced all cats were put on this earth with the sole mission of killing us all and taking over. They're sneaky, looking all cute and fluffy and making us have them live with us, then bam, they assasination attempts start

My cat went out a few months ago and didn't come home Have been consoling myself with the thought that she left because she was failing in her mission to trip me up/electrocute me/startle me to death with ninja stealth attacks and had to go and find someone else to inflict these things on

Cat is registering displeasure at the fact you have not yet realised your mission is to meet all cat's little whims. All happy co-habitors with cats know that they have staff not owners!!!
Recently I appear to have purchased a new sofa so that each cat can have it's own sofa.

Sounds like my cat is just, well, a cat then

Re staff - you ain't just whistling dixie! This cat came with the house! The previous staff served her for SIX years, and when they moved out they took her, she came back, they took her, she came back.. in the end they gave up, we had a chat and agreed she would stay here - like we had a choice!

She has me so well trained that I open the cat flap for her so she doesn't have to push it with her head!

Cat flap is at back door - if she wants to head off in the other direction she won't use the cat flap and go round, oh no, I have to open the front door for her!!

And in a morning she yells up the stairs for us to come and get her breakfast. Heaven help us if we don't hop to it because if she has to come and fetch us, she lets out a foul tirade of abuse!

And we get the paw shake. Now nobody knows what the paw shake actually means, but everyone agrees on one thing - it's not a compliment!

Our cat seems quite fond of us but she likes to run between our legs on the stairs too. Also she has no tolerance for the snooze button. The alarm going off means breakfast now and she sits on my head if we don't respond.

I have a pair of them. One tries to trip me up and the other takes swipes at me as I pass her.

Ah, a team effort then

My cat specialises in the art of turning himself into a feline backpack. Turn your back on him and he leaps on to your back with a set of claws dug into each shoulder. It bloody hurts!

Revenge will be mine....

mine does this while i am working then attacks my legs evil thing !

Ninja

I'll find the thread,but there's a brilliant explanation on an Only Joking thread

Cat2 likes to sleep on the stairs in the night. Cat1 specialises in materialising under your foot as you go to put it down. Cat3 is a pita who suddenly launches himself at your legs. But likes to be held upside down like a baby and fussed

'ere you go

I believe it to be entirely based on fact.

Parenting

CMOT, babies do not like to be held upside down ....

One of mine does the swiping as you walk past thing - it's bloody annoying. Although not as annoying as the now ex-cat who did the weaving through your feet thing as you were going up or down stairs.

Our kitten-cat can't bear anything on a horizontal surface - phones, glasses, remote controls, purses. If there happens to be a cup of tea directly beneath the designated drop zone she's generally thrilled, not that you'd know, with the Ninja Yoda attitude.

Dang, that's where I went wrong....

Another thing I object to - why do partial animals have to be left in places where your naked foot is most likely to come into contact with them. Mice stomachs in particular seem to appear under my desk with depressing regularity

I have a mad/evil cat too, you should see the glares I get

She zooms around the place chasing/running away from who knows what, then she sees me coming and crouches down on the stairs thinking I can't spot her ready to pounce

I had a brilliant and very funny email about this but can't seem to find it