Preparing a child for pet bereavement

[Hobnobfanatic]

My 6yo and I have talked about how our elderly puss is nearing the end of her life. We've cried, we've written down our feelings, we've read books about pets dying...

But it's approaching crunch time and I just don't know what to do: I think DD is too young to see the cat put to sleep at the vet's. But I don't want to get it done while she's at school, and for her to have the shock of bereavement when she comes home. I think it's important to be honest with her - but the goodbyes will be heartbreaking if she has to say farewell to the cat in the morning, before school, knowing that she won't see her again. She'd never leave - and if she did, she would be so upset all day at school.

It's heartbreaking enough, losing a pet - but the parenting side is agony. My LO is going to be soooo sad - she took a long time to get over our other cat dying (a sudden accident - he was a young boy); but this one is her best friend. She sleeps on her pillow, next to her, every night and they love each other to bits.

HOw can I do the goodbyes with a 6 yo? Does anyone have any experience of this?

I agree she is too young to see the cat put to sleep and you can't have her saying goodbye before school
I think you have no alternative but to leave telling her until she is home. There is no way you can fully cushion the blow for her, even though -as a mother- you really want to. She will be upset, she will grieve and she has to do that.
Very best of luck and very sorry

As a vet and a mum of a 6 year old I know how hard this can be from both sides of the table.
Firstly you need to be honest I find you need to use the work dead to make it make sense.
I personally don't think 6 years old is too young so I would ask her if she would like to be there when the vet gives the injection explain it won't hurt. I allow children of any age to be in my consult room as I strongly believe everyone should make there own choice. This was reinforced several months a go when a lady in her thirties said how cheated she'd felt as a child that her parents had done the deed without her being able to be there, she then gave her own children the choice one choose to stay the other didn't.
Ask her if she doesn't want to be there if she would like to she her puss afterwards to say goodbye. Could you make an appointment for after school and she could be there or sit in the waiting room?
My own DD when she lost her beloved bunnies waited around 3 minutes before asking when she could have some more, so don't be too shocked if your LO moves on fast. Finally my very favourite book on this subject is 'Goodbye Dear Mog'

No, but this is heartbreakingly sad, because it happened to us this last weekend

My DC are 12 and 10 and it was no less dreadful.

I really wouldn't recommend seeing the cat's last moments, that is harrowing for anyone, and your DDs memories should be happier ones.

My two cried themselves dry, and will be sad for a very long time for sure.

Why can't you do what we did - do it on a Saturday, say goodbye at home, one adult stay at home with DD, the other go to the vet. Then your DD is safe at home to grieve in private and then when you come back from the vet, you can just be at home together for the rest of the weekend.

No easy way though,thinking of you.

I forgot to say our bunnies were murdered so DD never got the choice, but I believe she would have choosen to be there.

Awwwww hobnob, that is hard!
A few months ago my pil's dog died, leaving ds and dd heartbroken. The dog was very old and we talked about her getting very ill. The night before she was put to sleep the dc were devastated, lots of tears. Yes, it is heartbreaking, but it is very natural.
The following day ds went through all our picture books to see her photos...

Yes, I agree she is too young to see the cat being put to sleep. Could you take your pet to the vet after dd has come home from school?

Sorry, I've no advise really, just wanted to say that I understand how hard it is.

my dd is 7 and we had to cope with losing are dear 1 yr old cat, in october to a sudden illness, she had leaukemia.

Our cat was put down without me and dd, i just couldn't face it, as it was all so sudden. Was told on the phone, after the blood results were bad, so i just told them to go ahead.

I then got off the phone and told dd. it was very distressing, and in fact she has been up this evening having a cry, as they too, were very very close. like yours op.

I am not sure I would ask my dd if she wantd to be there. No, in fact I know i wouldn't, even if it had been discussed, and i'd looked at books etc. I'd prob wimp out and spare my dd, and say puss had died in her sleep, at home in her bed. I think i would do this becuase it would seem a more calm, more kind way of having to discuss it, esp in those times when they want to discuss it with you over and over, which my dd has. As 'lovely and natural, and kind' i have tried to make our cats dying, I wish in a way i could have a less shocking story to tell my dd. it was shocking for us both, much the way losing a cat to the road etc... (which has hapened to me too).

If only I could be in two places at the same time... I'm not with LO's dad, we split when she was a baby, so the 'having one at home while the other goes to the vet' scenario isn't do-able.

Though, thinking about it, it might be possible to do if I prearrange it with her dad. Though we would be limited about when we do it - it would be when he is free, rather than when the time comes for the cat.

LIzcat - the thing that worries me about DD seeing the cat being euthanased is the horrible experience I had the cat before last, which had quite a violent end. She was sick all over me as I held her, started thrashing around, didn't die and needed another injection.... it was absolutely devastating. For DD to have that as her first experience of death would be so traumatic. I know it's not likely, but it's possible.

Goodbye Mog is a killer. The first page makes me weep...

Ratherbe and Franca - sorry to hear of your losses too. I hope your LOs are coping okay.

Just wish pets could live as long as humans...

Piratecat - that's so sad. I lost a gorgeous rescue boy to leukaemia - he had it before he came to me, unknowingly. He was such a sweetie and was way too young to die. Absolutely devastating - I'm so sorry for you both

when the time came for our elderly dog the vet came out to us (he couldnt' walk) but it worked really well. DH was with the dog and the vet and the DC were just hovering around in another room and on the stairs so fully aware of what was going on but not really watching up close. It was peaceful though, no thrashing around. Poor you with your other cat, that's not nice and def something you wouldn't want your DC to see

Hobnob, thanks, our Pixie must have had it before she came ot us too, she was a rescue. it threw up all sorts of questions for me. Dd's dad has let her down over the yrs, and this was a huge blow for dd, on top of that.

I am sorry you lost your boy too. yet i just know we gave them all the love they desereved.

Op, how are you today.

Spoke to DD today and she is adamant that she wants to be there for the injection. I've told her what will happen and she is insistent. We're off to the vet tonight, to sort out another medical problem. If it's bad news, then I think we'll book the vet to come here on Mon - at least, with half-term, there won't be school to contend with.

The cat is so lively in herself at the moment, though, I'm not sure the time is immediate. She's eating well, though is thin. Her arthritis is awful, but she still marches around the house, up and down the stairs and so on, and she's so cuddly and alert and into everything still. But her chestiness is not a good sign...

DD are going to make a memory book over the next couple of days, and I'm going through pics now, to give DD a special album of her darling pet.

Why do we give our hearts to these animals? It's so heartbreaking when they get old...

I don't know hobnob, we just have alot of love to give i think!
if she is adamant, then you know her well enough to 'know' iyswim. half term coming, thats a blessing.

We went out 3 weeks after Pixie died, and got another rescue kitten/young cat. Now i am absolutely terrified when she is poorly. I got her tested for Felv, clear, and all the proper jabs. Pixie didn't have the Felv bit, so i can never know wether she had it from a fight wound, but she never fought.

These cats give us so much, and deserve our most special care. it never makes sense when they have to leave us.

Do you know that poem, about cats? Someone posted it for me yrs back, it's very touching, if you 'd like me to link it.

So sorry, Hobnob
IME they always perk up just as you make the decision to let them go. Very hard.
Hoping everything goes as smoothly as possible x

A link to that poem would be lovely, Piratecat - thank you. We have three other cats, but none are as 'people-focussed' as our old girl. Like you, we'll probably get another a few weeks after the death - a new puss can never replace one you've lost, but they can help to give you something to smile about. Will help DD to focus on something happy.

And thanks, Bella. Yes, they do often perk up before the end. It could be that I'm looking for more positive health signs too.

it was very very hard, getting new puss. DD took weeks to get to know her, She missed Pix, and was very afriad new puss would leave us. Even now, she want's to say that new puss is the best inthe world, but then corrects herself and says 'best in the alive world now'

here is the poem, it's very touching as i said, . x

Poem For Cats

And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
And, as a cat, you know I am most able
To decide anything for myself.

Are you coming then? asked God.
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly
For my human friends are troubled
For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

But don't they understand? asked God
That you'll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is....forever and ever and ever.

Eventually they will understand,
Replied the glorious cat
For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am....forever and ever and ever.

Author Unknown

Piratecat, that poem is beautiful and has brought tears into my eyes. I remember your sadness about Pixie and I'm glad you and DD are enjoying your new puss. Pixie will always stay with you in your hearts.

Hobnobfanatic, I wish you all the best with your DD. My 12yr old DD still misses our cats very much from time to time, despite its being 5 months since the older one was put to sleep, and over 2 yrs since the other. My 7yr old DS misses them too but not so badly. They are both loving having our new kitten around - we got her a month ago and she is bringing great fun and joy to our home. It doesn't make you not mind about the other cat, but gives you that lovely feline presence again!

englishpatient, thanks for your kind words, then, and now.
I am so glad you got another friend. Our new one is so sweet and kind and funny. We just had more love to give, and a heavy place in our hearts that's been filling up gradually.

So sorry for you. I don't think your DD is old enough to go to the vets. I bought my DD a book about our dog using photos which really helped and she still gets it out and talks about Millie - they might do a book about cats, you'd have to ask click here to see My dog book

I don't have any advice but have been watching this thread carefully - my CM's Border Collie is getting on and has had a couple of incidents of mini-strokes recently. My 4-yo DD2 adores him, and he, her. They sit together to watch TV with her arms round his neck. My CM says the other children she minds will be sad when the dog dies, but she worries about my DD2, as she thinks she will be devastated.

We've started trying to prepare her, saying the dog is old and poorly but I don't know how much she is taking in. I've asked my CM to avoid using the words 'put to sleep' as I think those could cause more trouble so we're being quite blunt in our language. Is there anything else I can do? DD2 may not get a chance to say goodbye to him if something happens over a weekend, though my CM would call me to tell me, she'd never let DD2 just turn up on a Monday to find the dog had died.

Hobnobfanatic tell your vet what happened when your last pet was put to sleep, that is actually the exception the vast majority of cats just fall to sleep. Also tell them that your DD will be there and they will probably explain to your DD what is going to happen in words she can understand.
Personally I think being at home is much the best way everyone is settled in their own environment. With my last old boy cat he cuddled up with me on the sofa curled up on my lap, DH stroked his head and I just slipped the injection in and he was gone.

Piratecat - that's had me in tears - how sad. But so true - they never leave us, really. Once they are a part of our hearts, they stay there.

Englishpatient - I'm so glad the kitten is helping your family. It's hard not to smile with a lunatic kitten running around! It's one of the best ways of honouring a good cat's life - to give a loving home to another.

Poledra - I've been reading lots of books to LO. Goodbye Mog and Heaven helped. As you say, avoiding confusing language like 'sleep' is a good starting point and to explain that 'dead' means they won't come back, but that they'll always live in our hearts and memories. Big concepts for little ones...

Apparently, it's important to keep talking about it, in order to normalise it. This should stop it becoming so much of a shock later. As I said, we're going to do a memory book, with some drawings of the cat, our favourite memories and what we love about her, and some photos etc. This could be a focus in grief, later.

All sound advice - but none of it will stop the hurt and tears, sadly

If it is of any help, we had our cat pts a few weeks ago and my 11 year old was present. The whole thing was done very peacefully and quickly. I was not there but dh was and they said they were stroking him and it took about 10 seconds for his heart to stop and he looked as beautiful afterwards as he had done that morning before they took him in.

Heartbreaking all the same.

Can't add anything that the others have said but just to say we had to go through this just before Xmas. We spent the day crying stroking our cat and then brave Dad took him to the vet. The kids were devastated for a while but they did bounce back quite quickly but still talk very lovingly about our old boy. It is such a hard thing to do but unfortunately the price we pay for having the pleasure of our pets. So upsetting for you all.

So sorry to hear of your loss, Depends and Minimu. It's reassuring to hear that the grief has had a positive outcome. Kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for

Awww this is not an easy subject

Just before christmas we lost a 10month old cat to a road traffic accident. I remember it as if it where yesterday

The bad thing was I had my dd with me, so it was awful.

I saw a black cat lying on the grass verge, and you know that feeling, when you "just know". I got out of the car (he was lying just round the corner from our house) and walked over. He was in a bit of a state, but whoever found him, was kind enough to lie him grusome side down. Fortunately I had a blanket in the car, so wrapped him up and put him in the boot.

My DD although only 4, seemed to understand bless her. She said whats wrong mummy is that giz? I had to choke back my feelings but said that Giz had been in an accident and has gone to sleep for ever. I could see her thinking about what I said, and while i phoned the vets to arrange a cremation I obviously became very upset. She had a few tears too, but bless her heart, gave me a huge cuddle.

I ran her to nursery and took giz to the vets.

The worst bit was explaining to my DD that giz would not come back from the vets (I have him in a casket by the fire place with his ashes)

She kept asking when he would come back, and I did find this very heartbreaking. She got very upset that night, but with a flash of inspiration, I said that Gizmo has gone to the stars to live forever, and that he is chasing mice on the moon, as when cats die thats what happens. But I bet he is having a great time.

It was better when we had the casket back, she seemed to accept it then in a strange way. She still mentions him now and again when she sees the moon. This always brings a tear to my eye

It is hard, but I found explaining it in a way that she understands helped, iysyim. Obviously with your dd being 6, she knows more. I am not sure I would want my dd to see any pet being put to sleep, until they were old enough to want to and know what it means. But then again, it may help with the grieving process.

Have you thought about cremation or anything? I have mine in caskets (3) and they are by the fire. Unless I scatter the ashes myself, I want them buried with me, when its my turn. Sounds a little daft and morbid, but I do love my boys

Maybe you could have a special place for your cat where your dd could go, or a little plaque made. Just a few suggestions. Speak to your vet too, see if they have any suggestions