Please help - Husband has rejected our dog

[eggontoast]

Following the birth of our DS 3yrs ago, slowly my husband has been rejecting our dog more and more. We got our dog (6yrs now) when we were first married because I was very broody but it was too soon for us to actually have children.

We both absolutely adored him. He slept in our bed, we cuddled him on the sofa, he went EVERYWHERE with us, we fought over who loved him more etc. then, my son arrived.

I didn't really notice at first that hubby paid less attention to the dog, I did too, with a difficult first born, who wouldn't?

Slowly but surely he has been pushed out - pushed out of our bed, pushed out of upstairs and now, after a gradual worsening of my hubby's attitude from indifference to resentment following the birth of DD age 6wks and a horrible anal gland infection, ruining of carpet with diorehha, breaking fences outside and costing an arm and a leg the situation has reached breaking point.

We were about to rehome him, this Friday - then we were talking about it last night and hubby really opened up. He cried - I not seen him cry for years and we are very close.

He really wants to change. But I know it will be very hard. We have changed dog food in attempt to firm up his poo to prevent another anal gland infection.

We really want to make the dog happy again and hubby really wants to show he loves him again, but I am not convinced he can do it. He suffered with stress when he returned from the war in Afghanistan 6 years ago, and it still affects him now. I have asked him to try with my help, and if I am not enough to get counselling. I am not sure if he would though, he is very proud and does not share his problems with anyone but me.

He really does feel guilty and disappointed in himself and really does want to change. I just hope he can do it; I am going to try my best, but I have to manage the children's needs and my own as well. We cannot keep our beautiful Labrador if he doesn't because it is not fair. I love my dog so much and I want to see him happy again.

Any advice, experiences, places to go for help, links to articles etc. will be gratefully received. I have searched on internet but cannot find anything similar to this situation.

Sorry to hear about this. I really do not have any experience that could help but wanted to say I hope someone comes along soon who can help.

I don't know what to suggest because there are 2 issues going on here as far as I can see:

1. A down-grading of the dog's status as child substitute now that you actually have DC. This is normal and completely liveable with, provided dog is still provided with adequate levels of care. We have done exactly the same thing with our two dogs tbh - they are still loved, and still cared for, but the annoyance in many ways outweighs the pleasure of them, and I am quite firm that at least until we retire, there won't be any more pets in the house. I do think we are often guilty of treating animals like people, and they aren't.

2. Unrelated, but overlapping, your husband's problems. There is a charity to help ex servicemen - Combat Stress I think it is called? What about the British Legion - could they help? He may find it easier to seek help from an organisation related to the forces who would "get" it more than someone from civvy street.

newpup - thanks for the support.
Georgimama - 1 - he has been downgraded, and it would be acceptable if he had not been shoved so low. He (dog) is depressed as far as I can see because of the way my hubby treats him ie. cross with him over nothing, confines him to his bed. Hubby loves him and walks him twice a day without fail or complaint and actually enjoys this!

2 - I am not sure if he has an actual diagnosable condition or that the experience has changed him and 'hardened' him. He has come so far and has chilled out a lot - he has also now realised that the way he is being, so harsh, is mean and he hates himself for it. That's a good mechanism for change.

The only real problem is that he wants me to help him, as his only support, and I am not sure I am up to the job.

I think the dog will come to terms with it, in all honesty. Labradors are the most loving and forgiving dogs going. He is probably a bit confused about the general changes in the household but if you are all being consistent, even if it is consistently harder with him than you have been in the past, he will adapt OK.

I know very little about mental health issues but it really does sound like your husband needs some help and I think it is unfair to expect you to provide all that support. He may have things he needs to say, things he has seen and done, which would be very hard for you to hear and for him to say to you.

This is Combat Stress - they may be able to help you even if DH doesn't want to talk to them.

There was a really interesting program on bbc2 about dogs and how they have evolved to be companions to humans. Was an Horizon program here.

One study showed that petting your dog produced levels of oxytocin similar to levels in breast feeding mums and that is what helps create a bond between dog and owner. Maybe your dh could spend a bit of time each day consciously spending time with the dog in a grooming session. I know it sounds a bit bonkers - but was scientist on tv saying it!!

And this is their page for partners.

Really sorry to hear you are all having a bad time.

But I agree that there seems to be two different problems going on.

Re the dog problem. Dogs don't expect much from us humans at all. If they have two good walks and are feed, kept warm and healthy etc they are happy.

You say your Husband walks the dog that is fantastic one happy dog.

You do not have to entertain the dog and the dog will be as happy in his own bed as on yours. I do not think the dog is suffering at all from what you say.

How is you OH showing his resentment to the dog? Is it just from ignoring him?

It does sound though as if you could all do with some help would your gp be a place to start?

This is going way off at a tangent somewhat, but are you familiar with the story of Endal?

Endal was an assiatance dog who helped a naval officer overcome his depression and problems following a very serious head injury. There is a very good book written by Endal's owners detailing their story, and the wife credits the dog with having saved their marriage, even though in the early days the husband wanted very little to do with the dog.

I wouldn't rush to rehome the dog, particularly if it's going to provoke guilt in either you or your husband. Dogs are incredibly resilient and adaptable, and the the arrival of children can make dog owners feel that they are no longer meeting the dog's needs.

In a nutshell, I think your dog could well help your husband to recover. Does that make sense?

Thanks to all, especially links - I will certainly have a look.

Georgimama - you are right, there are things he may need to say that he cannot say to me - but I am not sure I can convince him that an outsider would help. He is likely to say it wont or convince me that he is 'not that bad'. After all, we have coped this long and we have a really happy, loving family life.

Sam100 - I have been thinking about that myself. When hubby at work, I cuddle the dog on sofa and he lays on his back with legs akimbo and is as happy as larry. When hubby comes home, he slinks to his bed and stays there, once he has had his walk.

Hubby does need to spend time stroking the dog, to increase their bond.

I know cats better than dogs however...

Why don't you take the dog out with you for family walks, games of footy and snowball fights...get the dog involved as a member of the family. As for the recurrent infection, it's not abnormal for animals to need the anal gland squeezing, if it's not being done regularly then it'll get infected. A dog grooming place may do this if you can't bring yourself to do it, or they should at least me able to show you how to do it or the vet will. I've never heard of a correlation between anal galnd issues and food intolerances. There is a company called Burns that does food for sensative doggy tummies tho..used there catfood for my old cat and was great.

Bella32 - Yes, it does make sense. Thanks. I will look it up.

There is no way I am re-homing him; the way hubby is with dog is just a manifestation of is stress - it would only manifest elsewhere. The stress is what needs to go! This is a problem that CAN and WILL be fixed. I just need to be logical and understanding. Who said being a wife and mother was easy!

I am so grateful to everyone's opinions and assistance. It is really helping me think of it from all different angles.

Here's his website:

Endal

He's dead now, sadly, but the story is amazing. Allen (the officer) accidentally ended up at an assistance dog training session, was sitting grumpily in the corner and Endal came over and attched himself to Allen

i don't know if the anal gland problem is because of the anal glands getting filled up too soon and then getting blocked? we had that problem with ours (a labrador too) and feeding more roughage really helps. we tried carrots- at least 4 or 5 a day- and don't have anal gland problems any more.