Help needed!! Pet adoption remorse… struggling badly

[SSpooky11]

I never post online but I am absolutely desperate right now and really need some support… any help would be much appreciated. Also sorry for the long post

For the last 10 years it’s just been me, my husband and my 15 year old boy cat (who is my soul animal) - this has been my home and we’ve been so happy! We recently moved into a bigger property, I work from home and my husband away so felt a dog would make a fantastic addition to the household and help with my loneliness. Thinking long woodland walks, beach runs etc.

We found the perfect 3 year old, cat friendly rescue dog so picked her up around a week ago.

Followed all the guidance, safe space for our cat (our bedroom), separation, scent swapping, treats at the same time either side of door. As the cats ‘safe space’ is in our bedroom, my husband has slept up there as usual whilst I slept in another room with the dog to keep her company whilst she settles. We have set the house up with stair gates that have a cat flap so did a stairgate meet with treats both sides for the first time yesterday.

Since then, our cat has wanted out around the rest of the house to reclaim his territory (which I’m fine with). She doesn’t take much notice and only perks up if he jumps.

Everything is going well on paper however I am an absolute wreck. I’m definitely suffering adoption remorse/puppy blues but this feels like something more. I am constantly crying, can’t eat… I almost feel scared of her when she’s awake (absolutely stupid as she is a gorgeous dog), anxious 24/7 and can’t sleep. My cat just sits there meowing at me and I feel SO guilty.

I miss my ‘home’ (cat and husband). I miss the calm, routine and I feel even more isolated. I can’t sleep with the rest of my family in my bed because she goes crazy. She even squeezed through the cat hole to get in and crashed about the cats safe space. I have suffered with chronic depression my entire adult life and this has thrown me into one of my darkest holes. I have support but scared I can’t do this on my own.

Sleep wise, we’ve tried a crate which she didn’t bother with, tried to set up a bed in the landing with the gated bedroom door open so she see we are there. Associated bed with treats. She just constantly PACES, jumps up at things, whines and never settles (completely appreciate she’s been through a lot too) so I end up having to sleep near her away from my family.

I was fully aware of the work involved in owning a dog but did NOT expect the effect it would have on my mental health (I thought it would be a positive impact not negative). I’m aware of the 3-3-3 but I’m even doubting if I want to go through all that?

I just don’t know what to do! I mourn for my old life every minute of the day. I know in time it gets better but I just can’t see it happening! I’m terrified of her personality coming out as she becomes more settled as I just don’t think I can handle it! It’s impacting me bonding with her.

Sorry for the long winded post but as I said, I’m not in a good place right now and would really appreciate views

Have they met? Not just through the stair gate but with access to move away if needed?

What breed is she?

Oh, OP, it's such early days and it's all so new to her. I think maybe 3 is too old for a crate if she's not been crate trained. When we got our dog he slept downstairs and for the first couple of nights he was quite noisy and you kind of just have to put up with it and let the dog get used to the fact that you're not going to come and sleep with them. Gate the stairs and have the dog sleep downstairs.

If your cat is chipped, get a new cat door that will only open for the chip.

*edited because of course you'd come to the dog if they were very stressed

I wouldn’t have inflicted a new dog on a 15 year old cat who hasn’t been used to living with a dog. Did you expect it to be delighted?

Where did you adopt the dog from? A good rescue should be giving you ongoing support - and they are best placed to advise you on the specific circumstances regarding that dog (every rescue is different and needs different support when re-homed) rather than us on Mumsnet (sorry).

Honestly though, this really worries me; I’m terrified of her personality coming out as she becomes more settled as I just don’t think I can handle it!

Because it will get worse with a rescue before it gets better - its just the way of things, as they settle. If you're already working yourself up into this state, there's no harm in saying dog ownership is not for you.

Lots of people are going to pop up and say 'give it time' but IME you don't fuck with mental health and pet ownership. It rarely ends well, and it's not worth the risk to you or the pet involved. It can end well, but too many people take the risk and end up completely spiralling.

Sadly, this sounds like once again a rescue have no idea what the dog is really like (any dog displaying this level of SA should have been re-homed to an experienced family - pacing is a serious issue and requires careful handling) and have re-homed the poor thing with a family that is ill-equipped to cope. This is not on you, or the dog, but 100% on the rescue.

I can sympathise, having introduced a dog to a house full of cats.

Your cat will settle, honest. He’s simply getting used to there being a fourth ‘person’ in his space.

Now the dog.

Find one space you are happy for her to sleep and stick to it. If it’s a crate, put her in it during the day with the door open so she can see you, maybe with an item of clothing with your scent on. That way she begins to associate it with her ‘calm’ place. She doesn’t have to be in there all day, but make it a resting space. So when you get back from a walk, in she goes, you sit by it with a coffee and then move on. It will get better, I promise.

Mental health: I get it. You had a picture of how it would look and it isn’t that. Give yourself space to just be; if possible go lie on the bed for 10 minutes with the cat. (Actually you can do this while dog is in their crate, it will help).

i do understand; I have mental health problems and the stress of bringing in (in our case a pup) to a cat household was awful. But you will get through it.

You will have to teach the dog to use the crate make it a pleasant safe space for her, give her a treat for going in and leave her with something like a stuffed Kong with the door shut. Get her used to being in there for ever increasing periods of time.

As your DH wanted the dog, I would say he should stay overnight with her rather than you but I have never stayed downstairs with a dog unless it was ill. They soon get used to being left, if you treat it matter-of- factly.

Of course if the dog is in a crate, you could put the crate in your bedroom or on the landing and both sleep in your own bed.

It's a big change. It's a new household member. It sounds like the dog and the cat are actually getting along quite promisingly.

I don't think the cat needs a specific safe space necessarily as long as she is always able to get away from the dog if she wants to. I'd let the dog sleep upstairs with you tbh. Dogs don't tend to like sleeping on their own. It's just so much easier if you don't give yourself that battle.

You are on high alert, but I think the positives you mentioned about having a dog will still stand. A 3yr old cat friendly rescue dog sounds practically perfect. Give it a chance. Give the dog a cuddle.

I have cats and dogs and in my experience, it's much easier introducing a dog to a cat, than it is another cat. Bear with it x

I get it. We had the opposite, kind of, when we got a kitten.

I'd been around cats plenty, we had one when I was a child, my grandparents had four cats, and adult friends with cats. So I thought I liked cats. Turns out I do not. I'm just not a cat person and her natural cat behaviours are really annoying and stressful for me. Obviously none of that is the cats fault, they're just behaving like a cat, but it's really hard to deal with.

Still have the cat anyways. My dd and DH love her and she's very well taken care of. I will not be getting another cat again though.

All good advice from dog owners.

From me, I think this - you have a new family member and one day you will love her just as much as you love your husband and boy cat. This is a new flavour, a new addition to your family - all of you are going to build a relationship with each other, and soon you won't be able to remember your life without her. She is a little soul, just the same as your boy cat, but you don't know her yet, nor she you. And she will be different to him. And you are going to get those walks. But just now, you don't know her and she doesn't know you and no-one's fallen in love yet.

It is such early days please go gentle on yourself.

I remember when my adopted 3 YO dog came to our home and I wasn’t sure I’d grow to love him the same way I’d love previous pets.

Fast forward to now and I would say he’s my soul dog. No other has compared before or ever will.