Help/support - Adoption remorse

[SSpooky11]

I never post online but I am absolutely desperate right now and really need some support… any help would be much appreciated. Also sorry for the long post

For the last 10 years it’s just been me, my husband and my 15 year old boy cat (who is my soul animal) - this has been my home and we’ve been so happy! We recently moved into a bigger property, I work from home and my husband away so felt a dog would make a fantastic addition to the household and help with my loneliness. Thinking long woodland walks, beach runs etc.

We found the perfect 3 year old, cat friendly rescue dog so picked her up around a week ago.

Followed all the guidance, safe space for our cat (our bedroom), separation, scent swapping, treats at the same time either side of door. As the cats ‘safe space’ is in our bedroom, my husband has slept up there as usual whilst I slept in another room with the dog to keep her company whilst she settles. We have set the house up with stair gates that have a cat flap so did a stairgate meet with treats both sides for the first time yesterday.

Since then, our cat has wanted out around the rest of the house to reclaim his territory (which I’m fine with). She doesn’t take much notice and only perks up if he jumps.

Everything is going well on paper however I am an absolute wreck. I’m definitely suffering adoption remorse/puppy blues but this feels like something more. I am constantly crying, can’t eat… I almost feel scared of her when she’s awake (absolutely stupid as she is a gorgeous dog), anxious 24/7 and can’t sleep. My cat just sits there meowing at me and I feel SO guilty.

I miss my ‘home’ (cat and husband). I miss the calm, routine and I feel even more isolated. I can’t sleep with the rest of my family in my bed because she goes crazy. She even squeezed through the cat hole to get in and crashed about the cats safe space. I have suffered with chronic depression my entire adult life and this has thrown me into one of my darkest holes. I have support but scared I can’t do this on my own.

Sleep wise, we’ve tried a crate which she didn’t bother with, tried to set up a bed in the landing with the gated bedroom door open so she see we are there. Associated bed with treats. She just constantly PACES, jumps up at things, whines and never settles (completely appreciate she’s been through a lot too) so I end up having to sleep near her away from my family.

I was fully aware of the work involved in owning a dog but did NOT expect the effect it would have on my mental health (I thought it would be a positive impact not negative). I’m aware of the 3-3-3 but I’m even doubting if I want to go through all that?

I just don’t know what to do! I mourn for my old life every minute of the day. I know in time it gets better but I just can’t see it happening! I’m terrified of her personality coming out as she becomes more settled as I just don’t think I can handle it! It’s impacting me bonding with her.

Sorry for the long winded post but as I said, I’m not in a good place right now and would really appreciate views

I can really see how stressful and unsettling this is for you OP. You loved your life before and now you have all this change and upheaval.

I think the single best thing you can do is think back to those days and try, as much as possible, to live like that. Find a way to sleep in your own bed. Can you have the dog crate in your bedroom? You say the dog won't settle - how long did you leave her? If he respond too quickly then you kind of reinforce that her pacing/whining gets attention. Leave it longer - say a few reassuring but firm words, 'Bed now pup' and then leave her to settle. She'll know you're there and that she is safe and will get bored and sleep eventually.

The more you can make your home and yourself calm, settle, ordinary to the point of boring the more she will settle. Set times for food, exercise, play, cuddles, rest and quiet. It will all come.

You are seeing the worst of dog ownership right now. In a few months you will all have a routine, your dog's real settled personality will come through and your life will be as it was but with a dog who makes you laugh, smile and feel at home.

Read as much as you can about settling a dog and put stuff into action but do concentrate equally on finding your own normal and peace. I do hope this helps.

Just another thought. This might not be best practice and I'm sure someone will come along and say so, but it worked for me.

When we adopt a new dog we very firmly but gently let them know their bed is their bed and that it is downstairs and that's where they stay. (no crate used, but we don't have cats). If they try to come up at night we kindly, but without any fussing, guide them back to bed and ask them to stay there. The most we have ever had to get up is three times in the early days. That gentle, firm - No, this is sleep time and this is where you sleep - has always worked and has been a lasting calm resulting in a settle, happy pupper.

DD was in tears by the end of her first week with the noise her first cat made at her (very, very loud and vocal) because it was a different pitch/timbre to all the cats we'd had through her childhood.

She spent more time with the cat due to a medical condition the cat had developed and went untreated in her previous life and within a couple of weeks, they'd properly bonded/worked out how to communicate with one another.

It sounds like the dog is becoming attached to you more quickly than you are to the dog. Give it time and you'll become able to understand her communication and not be afraid (her body language is different to a cat's, possibly why you're not sure of what she's going to do/feeling scared).

I was going to say carry on, she’s now part of the family etc but once I read about your chronic depression and struggles with your MH over the years i would give her back to the charity.

My DH similarly suffers and he does life our DDog but for a long time I’ve done almost everything for her.