Cat trauma

[KeepOnKeepingOn25]

Hi, sorry for the long post! We are currently a pet free family with 2 DC of primary age. They light up with joy whenever we visit friends or relatives with a cat or other pet and are good and v gentle with them. They just love cats so much and my DH and I do too. We would love to get a cat of our own but the trouble is… well, me :(

I had cats and kittens all through my childhood and absolutely loved them more than anything in the world. But with this came horrifying trauma and loss. I still carry grief from what happened to our family cats.

We lived in a surburban area of semi’s and terraced houses, the road itself wasn’t massively busy and had speed bumps. Although it was a through road cars didn’t come up and down all the time.

I won’t go into everything as I find it too upsetting but basically we had cats run over. Their deaths came suddenly and horrifically. I was never there to see the carnage, it happened when I was at school. One time it was my dear kitten that mum had got and I loved him with all my 6 year old heart. He was sweet and beautiful and slept on my feet and was my best friend. He was run over and killed on my birthday, We had had him less than 6 months. I cannot describe the shock and pain, it’s all shut away but I remember the sensation of being very cold and falling a long long way.

Even worse than this was the slow goodbye to our beloved old, beautiful family cat I have no words to describe what a wonderful cat he was and what he meant to us, to me. It was like losing a sibling. He was with my parents before they had children and was with us until I was 7. He had cancer and had to be put down, his heartbreaking goodbye and the empty space he left behind was raw and horrific and seeing my parents crying and grieving too was so awful. I struggled to cope after, too young to process the pain and what felt like losing a close family member. I think it caused psychological damage as I got stomach problems and sleep problems after, suffered recurring nightmares of his death over and over for several months maybe longer. I often woke confused and crying.

We had one go missing (thankfully found but was v stressful while they were missing), others got old and sick and died.
I loved them all and our dog too who had a long life and sad end.

There’s more but it gives you an idea of the struggle I have now with this decision, I don’t know how to reconcile the light and dark of pet ownership. These wonderful creatures that come into our lives and become part of the family. I cannot deny the enrichment and happiness and love it brings nor the pain of loss, grief and heartbreak. I feel fearful about the latter re: pain it would cause my DC. They would love it more than anything but I also fully know how it would hit when it ends (inevitably and sometimes unpredictably sudden in my case) and even the emotional/ psychological consequences which can be long lasting.

I also don’t know how I would personally cope with the loss of another pet. Or even the stress of day to day worry eg will the cat go missing, get injured, sick, hit by a car etc etc. I’ve always loved animals and easily bond and have an overactive nurture instinct!

Thank you for reading this, it has been helpful writing it down and would welcome your thoughts.

Sadly, if you want to have pets, loss is something you have to come to terms with. You do your best to keep them safe but sometimes it just isn't enough.

For me, despite many difficult losses of pets over the years, I cannot contemplate life without dogs and cats.

We have lost 5 cats in 5 years, from completely unrelated conditions. They were all indoor cats, so none was a traffic accident but cancer/heart/stroke. We now only have one cat left and she's 13, so we know that her time with us is limited. But when I look back I have no regrets. Those 5 years have been absolutely hellish, just one loss after another. So much crying. So much stress. I bond very closely with my pets. As a socially anxious person I have a deeper connection with animals than I do with people. It is why I sacrifice so much to have pets. I'm sad that our lost cats are no longer with us, but they enriched my life for all those years. I would hate to have not had the chance to know them. To never experience that love and that happiness would have been a far greater loss than having to say goodbye. All of these deaths were horrendous - two of the cats died in my arms. But they knew they were loved, and that is what matters to me now.

Our last dog loss was sudden and extremely traumatic. It took two years for me to even be able to look at his photo without crying. Three years for us to feel ready for another dog. We now have a puppy of the same breed. We still miss our previous boy every day and our time with him was precious but we cannot change what happened.

I would not want to go through the rest of my life never having another pet because of being too afraid of something awful happening to them. I feel very sad for you.

I don't know what to say with regard to you having a pet. If you yourself are unable to cope with loss, then your children are equally likely to be traumatised by it. There needs to be grief, we need to mourn lost pets but we also have to learn to come to terms with death. People lose parents, partners, children. Death is inevitable.

You sound very young, so perhaps you are just not ready to come to terms with loss and grief without relating it to your childhood experiences. But I hope that at some point you will be able to see that the benefits a pet can provide are worth all the trauma that you go through when they die. Because when you really love animals and have a strong connection to them, your heart and soul is empty without their presence in your life.

Thank you so much for your reply @LittleBlueCat , I cried reading it and am so sad for your losses, I hope you’re doing ok. You are very brave to go in again with new pets and I totally understand why, they are incredible. I think I am scared to cross the threshold. I desperately want to shield my DC from pain and trauma as I am an adult survivor of CSA. My mh is a daily battle. When anxiety is bad the stress/fear trigger can be disproportionate and overwhelming, like my abuser is in the room with me.

This may be why my post reads young as the CSA is another thing I’ve never really healed from. That period of childhood is def frozen in time, but I am mid 40’s

My parents weren’t able to help my sibling and I express and process any of the grief. We were kind of left on our own with it and I think they used distraction (candy, family trips out) and told time would help but I think combined with the abuse it kind of just locked down all the ‘bad’ feelings and locked them in. Prob why it still hurts as we weren’t really helped to grieve and process it in a healthy way. Home was v turbulent my sibling was nearly murdered by a close relative and I tried to jump out of a 2nd storey window aged 5 (to escape). Emotionally, I clung to my cats.

Bloody love cats 😢 love them

I'm so sorry @KeepOnKeepingOn25 All of that sounds horribly traumatic and your sensitivities are completely understandable.

I understand that emotional bond, I was bullied at school and had a breakdown. My dad got us a puppy, thinking it might help me (we already had a cat) and it was the best thing he could have done. She was my companion and best friend for 12 years. I have since always had at least one dog and one cat in my life.

You clearly have a lot of love to offer a pet. Do you think you would feel better for considering an indoor cat? At least then you could be sure the cat won't be hit by a vehicle, and I do understand this fear; I once found a neighbour's cat dying, in the gutter, and had to knock on her door. That was an awful feeling. When we had 6 cats together, they lived indoors but had a pen in the garden that they could access from the house window during summer. It kept them safe but enabled them to be in the garden.

My other suggestion would be perhaps have two cats together... We've tended to have overlapping pets, because I find a house completely devoid of an animal spirit is very hard to bear.

I hope that you can find a solution and give your children the opportunity to live with a pet, without you feeling traumatised by it. I really wish you luck. Having a cat would greatly enrich your life but it should be a happy thing, not make you sad. My heart bleeds for you x

Thank you again, it has helped to talk about this today. I’m sorry you were bullied at school, me too, having cats and a dog as companions was a real comfort and lifeline. I think I’ve been feeling guilty recently for not having a pet as most of our friends do and I know the kids would love one. We (DH and I) always said we’d wait until youngest was out of the toddler years (as excitable toddlers + pets can be hard on the pet!) and we are there now so trying to figure it out and see if we can manage it. I agree with you completely about all the up sides and we definitely have a lot of love to give 🌸

The house cat option is food for thought. Can I ask where did you get your cats and dogs, were they from breeders or adopted from rescue centres?

All of my dogs have been from breeders @KeepOnKeepingOn25
I wanted to know exactly what I was getting. I also prefer to have them from tiny puppies because I find it easier to bond with them when they're very young and it is quicker to toilet train and food train them. I have very large dogs so it is also important that they come from health tested parents.

I have had a couple of rescue kittens in the past and they did go out, but the more recent ones came from a breeder and were indoor cats aside from the garden pen. The one girl cat that we have left does go in the garden with our dog, but only when we are there to keep an eye on her. We do have a very secure garden with high chainlink fences so it is pretty secure.

I know a lot of people on MN have strong views about buying puppies and kittens rather than rescuing, but it isn't always easy to find the right rescue, and obviously, in your case, with young children, it can be even more difficult.

I hope you can find a solution to suit your family but do be wary of buying from ads. It is always better to go on personal recommendations where possible, to stand a better chance of a healthy animal.

Thank you yes same here we had a mix of rescue and breeder cats, our dog was from Battersea dogs home and she was a peach ❤️

Can I ask did you go for a specific breed of cat for a house cat? I’m am guessing there must be breeds that are content being indoors

Mine have all been Maine Coons, which are large and hairy but very easy going. Birman & Ragdolls are similar in being semi-longhaired and can also adapt to indoor life.
If you prefer a short haired cat, a British Short Hair is a good option - my parents used to have three of them and they are nice gentle, placid cats.

Just want to add that if you want a pedigree cat, it may be a good idea to contact the breed club for your chosen breed - they may have a breeder list or be able to recommend someone local to you. This is what we did before getting our first Maine Coon and it was really helpful - we visited a local breeder, met her cats and went on a waiting list for a kitten.

Get indoors cats. My previous cats were both hit by cars, and the grief was awful.
mine are indoor cats, not pedigree and they’re both content. They've been offered the outside, neither are interested, even made it so they had the run of the garden, yet they don’t leave the house!
they have toys, cat trees etc
get them used to having their nails cut, even if they use scratchers, they will still need nails trimmed.
if you can do it yourself, even better.
i also have two cats so they have each other.
both were from people who could no longer can have them, they are growing up together.

Thank you I really appreciate your replies. I can totally see the logic of going for house cats as don’t think I would handle the worry of outdoor cats very well. It would be in the back of my mind about the risk of road deaths and going missing etc also hate the idea of ticks and parasites which can be common around here (semi-rural)

I’m not in a great place with my mh at the moment so think I am going to park it for a while before making further plans. I may need to wait another year or so anyway until my youngest is a bit older to prevent the poor mog getting love mobbed!

It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all..
So it's kind of worth it to have them in your life. It's obviously extremely sad when cats die, but I think life without them just wouldn't be as nice!
Just looking at their beautiful little faces. 🥹❤️