Struggling with partners senior dog

[chatter49]

My partner has a senior large breed dog who he got with his ex. She is a very reactive dog who sadly in her old age has severe incontinence.

My partner and I moved in together a while ago but due to the living set up and his dog, I have had to temporarily rehome my cat to my parents. This was perhaps a compromise too far I didn’t realise at the time. Additionally, we have a smaller dog together who is 1. Whilst on the surface getting a puppy might look mad but she is so good and doesn’t add to our stress.

I feel silly being so overwhelmed by his dog but she has become jointly my burden. She is in my home, she wakes us up every morning barking at 4 or 5am. We cannot ignore her as we live in a terraced house. I work from home a lot whilst my partner works shifts so I am often left trying to work whilst she barks continually at any movement or noise. On top of this, she is having lots of accidents. It is about 8-10 a day at this point and the the moment that pushed for me writing this was when I was on a meeting and she proceeded to wee as she ran around my living and dining room covering the full floor and over my previously loved rug. It can’t be nice for her and I’m painfully aware of that but it’s impact on me feels unmanageable. I have a constant cycle of her blankets, towels etc in the wash or trying to get dry just for it to be soiled in a few minutes of use. I’m not sleeping as she wakes us through the night and so early on a morning.

It is bonfire night next week and this weekend will be filled with fireworks which she is scared of, my partner is on nights both sat and Sunday. I have been left alone with her previous years and she has barked for hours in my face, I struggled with this but was in a detached property at the time so at least it was only me. I feel I can’t cope. All of this is also accompanied with a lot of guilt. She is old, she didn’t ask for any of this and I fear we are failing her but I just don’t know how much longer I can go on when I feel like she is ruining my life. She brings no joy as we can’t walk her without her lunging at and barking at dogs, she pulls terribly on a lead so can’t be walked by others, she barks all day in the house has constant accidents (both 1 and 2) and no one will help look after her as she is so difficult.

What does your partner say? Ultimately she is his dog and he is the one who should be putting measures in place to keep her calm and help her continence issues. I look upon it as being similar to one of you having kids and the other one not - it's up to the person who is the parent to sort out issues and the other partner is there for support and back up.

It's hard to know if she's behaving like this because she's old or unhappy. How old is she/what breed?

I put my very very loved Labrador to sleep in January because, aside from being riddled with arthritis, she became incontinent. She was housetrained from 12 weeks so this was upsetting for her (she'd cower because she knew she'd done 'wrong' even though we didn't tell her off and she couldn't help it!). We decided that it was the kindest thing to do.

I totally agree, I feel like she is a decision he made and he had 6/7 years of her before I even came into the picture. I chose to be with him and whilst I’m very aware they’re a joint package and I try to be accommodating, it’s as if I’m now as responsible as him.
He is as frustrated if not than I am.
Whilst I think he gets thats it’s his responsibility, he doesn’t do anything about it and just says I know or sorry. But he has not put anything in place to help me or help her.

Sorry to hear about your lab!
Shes a Doberman, she too was completely housetrained and knows that she’s done “wrong”. She also has arthritis and we were managing this with the vet but the progression in the accidents is just pushing me and us over the edge.
It’s so hard when you have to work out whether they’re okay and in pain because they’re so loyal and try to soldier on.

I worry that if I don’t cope and he puts her down, he will resent it even if it was in her best interest.

Sadly ddog must be very unhappy using your home as a loo. Baby gate and keep it in the kitchen when dh isn't home. Leave any mess for him to clean up imo. When it is him cleaning up he may see sense..

Maybe it’s time to speak to the vet about options. Incontinence is an awful issue to manage.

I had a dog who became incontinent like this. You could see she was upset about it but the vet gave her some medication which stopped it and she lived for several more years. It was about 25 years ago so I can't remember what the medication was. It's something your partner could ask the vet about.

I would gently suggest it might be time. No dog soils their bedding deliberately. It's not her fault.

She has been an amazing, loving friend to him and now that her time is approaching he needs to think seriously about her quality of life. I personally would let her go with her dignity intact. Let her have that.

Incontinence is degrading and often distressing for dogs and cats. They're clean animals by nature. excluding that puppy stage where they eat literal shit

They would do anything for us so I would do the same for my dog. Anything she needs, anything for her welfare. That includes not subjecting her to any unnecessary suffering or distress around losing her faculties.

Don't let her get to the point where she suffers.

I hope you guys can work something out with the old girl. It’s a heartbreaking situation but is the reality of having animals and caring for them into old age.

With regards to the fireworks - I managed my reactive, very loud rescue dog by having both the TV and the radio on. TV louder than normal, radio, on a mostly playing music station, just a little lower so that I could still focus on the TV I was watching.

If the TV sound dropped quieter the radio covered the lull, and vice versa. It worked really well and reduced the reactivity massively. My boy could hear a pin drop, he wasn’t scared, just a guarding breed that thought the ‘bad guy bangs’ were out to get us 😆

I hope this can help you both. Start a few days before the 5th to acclimatise you both to it.

How old is she?

Has she been checked for infections?

There are drugs to help with incontinence.

Is she otherwise enjoying life? Eating? Walks?

When a dog can not do normal things a dog enjoys I feel it is time to consider PTS . Being stressed and incontinent all the time seems miserable to everyone including dog. Unless options can be found I think your BF needs to have a conversation about PTS.