Not loving dog ownership

[Yorkshire1987]

First time poster needing some advice.

Myself and my partner have recently rescued a one year old toy poodle. I’ve never had a dog before, he’s had them all his life and is very experienced. I’ve always wanted a dog and always thought a dog would enhance our family life.

However…

This last week since we’ve had him I have done nothing but cry. I wake up every morning with a sense of dread - I haven’t fallen in love with the little pup the way I thought I would and I am finding this such a hard thing to come to terms with. The idea that our carefree life is now ruled by how long we can leave the dog makes me so unhappy. He’s a very anxious dog so walking is difficult, he barks and howls at anybody new in the house - especially men. He’s constantly up on our bed through the night and we’re constantly putting him back to bed. I don’t know if I’m just massively overreacting and the things I’m describing are just normal dog behaviour!!

My Partner has said if it’s making me so unhappy, we need to rehome him before it has a serious affect on my mental health but he’s already so attached to the dog I feel absolutely awful - my two step children love him too. He has asked me to give it to Christmas but I have cried so much and feel so anxious all the time, I’m not sure I can last that long.

My partner is definitely getting fed up of my emotional-ness and it’s now affecting our relationship too.

Has anyone been in this situation and can help advise me what to do? I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place!

I think you need to start as you mean to go on.

So don't let him upstairs and not on your bed. I personally couldn't stand that. Ticks etc despite my dogs being treated.

I guess dogs in a new environment will feel insecure but he will get used to it.

Did you think before you got the dog that there might be some new restrictions on how long you can leave the house for? It's kind of obvious.

I think yourself needs a little more time with the dog!

and the pup needs some training ☺️ will a crate help him feel more secure? I only
ask because my friend had a crying cockapoo who was more settled in a crate at night.

Get a dog behaviourist in. They'll 'train' you to get the best from the dog. Don't leave it too long, as the dog's behaviour will deteriorate - more to do with your lack of bonding/experience than the dog being bad. Having a dog is a wonderful thing, they bring so much joy, but you all have to be committed, and it doesn't sound like you were ready.

I would rehome straight away. It will be much harder to rehome him at Christmas, once everyone else in the family is bonded with him. Rescue centres are also inundated in January too, so won’t thank you for leaving it.

Did your DH downplay the commitment do you think? My DH is desperate for a dog but I've always said no, as they are so so tying. I think as others have said, you need to try a behaviourist, and maybe doggy daycare so you can go out a bit?

Is DH pulling his weight here? I would probably take myself out a bit to lessen the anxiety too.

How long have you had the dog? It takes a while for a dog to settle and for you to settle with the dog.

I would also suggest a crate, somewhere for him to feel secure and safe, and for you not to be worried about where or what he is doing.

Dog owning is tough, but it does get better - honestly.

It can take up to six months for a rescue to feel safe and comfortable.

The first days are usually fine as they cling to you and do their best, then once they settle the poor behaviours (that the charity may not have known about, or just lied about) appear. TBH one year old is a prime age for shitty behaviour anyway - they’re like teenagers. So most of this is not only entirely predictable but normal

Ultimately, you need to persevere and commit to the dog long term or you return to the charity today. There’s no ‘seeing how you feel’ in three months - you don’t get to play God with an animals life and discarded it at a given date as it isn’t all perfect. You make the decision now and you live by it.

You’re crying? Can you explain that a bit more?
My dog sleeps on the children’s beds as they’re happy to have her. Shut the dog into where it needs to stay overnight.
If it’s nervous with new people / men, for its own peace of mind give it a safe area it can retreat to like a bed in a different room. Then slowly introduce it. Or put it on a lead if it likes to feel contained by that.
Dogs have to learn and be managed and trained. They don’t know what you want them to do.

Dogs they say can take three months from being rescued to settle I had my dogs from pups be greatful she’s not a little terrier pup trying to bite your toes lol . Now my dogs are nearly 16 and nearly 14. I now have to deal with one dog who was house trained with kidney issues peeing in places he shouldn’t as he just can’t hold as long any more. Boy that’s hard when I struggle as have disabilities not making my life easier. However that’s the dogs I am not gonna chuck him out or put him down that’s my responsibility.
so what I am saying is yes it can get easier but it also can get harder so if you’re not prepared to do that if you’re finding it overwhelming maybe because you didn’t really want the dog in the first place maybe you were convinced that that’s what you needed then probably you should rehome that dog because if you’re not going to give it the time it needs to settle in to understand that it might be anxious and that and you can’t cope then yes maybe that’s what you need to do but I would think next time really do your research before you get a pet

Honestly it has taken me over a year to really enjoy owning a dog, training helps. How long have you had the dog? Are you getting ongoing support from the rescue? Is a lot of the care falling to you?

can you work out what exactly it is that is causing you to feel that way, it might be something that will get better with time. Or it might be the wrong fit for your household

More context here;

We brought him home 9 nights ago. We both work full time but different schedules so the only days he’s on his own all day are Monday and Thursday - on these days he has an hours dog walker coming in to check on him, play and walk half way through the day. He’s alone most days for no more than 3/4 hours and spends his time asleep or watching out of the window. He does whine a bit when we go but my Partner tells me most dogs will do this!

I’m not a massively overwhelmed person, however I am a huge over thinker!

I’m finding the whole situation so sad and overwhelming that I end up in floods of tears.

The past two nights we’ve had him in his bed next to ours - he’s jumped up a couple of times in the night but I’ve put him straight back and he’s stayed there for another few hours until he tries to sneak up again. This is a huge improvement from the first couple of nights when he just wouldn’t leave the bed. He’s now responding to ‘Bed’ as a command and will go back (even though he gives me puppy dog eyes!!)

When we first got him - he wouldn’t walk at all. Last night he came with us for a good mile around loads of other people and other dogs and we had very little stopping and shaking which we had the entire first walk with us.

We bought a brand new house and moved in together only 8 weeks ago and I’m not sure if getting our little pup was just one life change too much…!

Puppy blues is a real thing and it can be quit a shock when you experience it. We have 3 dogs at the moment and I got horrendous puppy blues with the 2nd one in particular. I remember sobbing in the car when I got a free afternoon off puppy sitting duties because I just couldn’t cope with how restricted my life had got again.
But it does pass and as pup grows and becomes more independent and gets trained, you will find that those feelings lessen.

Agree with posters saying to get a crate. My dog absolutely loves his and will happily go and lay in it without being asked, it's his safe space. He has a dog bed cover stuffed with 4 duvets ( he loves chewing foam so I dont buy him foam beds anymore ) and I have a blanket over the top of it.

My dog also doesnt like men, he doesnt have a bad experience with them as I've had him since being a pup and have always been single.

My dog is not allowed in our bedrooms,

I cant think of the name of them but you can get mats with little bumps on that you can put peanut butter ect on, that maybe help reduce anxiety as it will occupy the dog whilst it's in its crate

That sounds like massive progress for such a short time!! Well done. Remain consistent and it will continue to get better. If he is ok around other dogs could you consider doggy day care for the days he is alone? A good one is amazing and my pup is always tired when he has been. There are bad ones so make sure you make an informed choice

My friend rescued two pups, it took two years of effort, and lots of dog behaviour therapy, to get them to stop barking at people in the house, to make them easy enough to walk on the lead and occasionally let off the lead to run. Rescues can be a huge commitment as you have to undo bad habits and damage.

My friend or her dp cannot leave the dogs for more than 8 hours and never late at night. One of them really has to be home (luckily both can wfh).

but they ADORED the dogs from day one.

there’s no shame in saying you can’t cope with this dog. Another rescue dog might be a different story, once you’ve figured out what wasn’t working for you this time.

poor You! I’m only just loving having my puppy now she’s over a year! It may be right to let her go but there are a few things that could make your life easier …

if you are keeping her, do not let her upstairs. You can re assess this later.

get a crate where she sleeps and relaxes. While she is in there you are free to go out or get on with whatever you wish. For some dogs a strict routine like some people have with babies works well.

wake, walk. Food .. time out, perhaps two hours in crate. Rinse repeat ..

arrange that partner is responsible for dog walking.

the above is flexible but something like it could take the pressure off you.