Heartbroken dog mum, please help!

[Hollie987]

I’m heartbroken to be writing this but I am at breaking point and I was hoping that by sharing, I might come across someone else that has previously felt the same way as me and has a positive outcome or any suggestions which they could please share.

Since having my daughter (6 months old), I have suddenly found myself hating my dog. I am absolutely devastated and I would do anything to not feel this way.

By way of background, my dog is a much longed for and much loved dog. I’ve had her since she was a puppy and she is now 8 years old.

2 years ago my dog was diagnosed with IVDD which left her completely paralysed. She had a huge operation which saved her life and since then I have helped her learn to walk again. Unfortunately the IVDD has left my dog incontinent. The vets and physio have said her condition will not improve further now. Whilst the condition is hard to manage, I just felt lucky that my dog was still able to have what I considered a good quality of life.

When I first bought my daughter home from the hospital, I was conscious about the upheaval it would have on the dog’s life so I made lots of effort with the dog so she continued to feel loved and secure. To begin with everything was completely fine.

Suddenly though, I would say in the last 2 - 3 months, I just feel like I hate my dog. I know how horrific that sounds, but it’s like mentally something has changed in my brain and I now can’t stand being around her.

As a few examples:

The dog makes me feel like everything is dirty and covered in germs. I realise the incontinence plays a huge part in that (and I do not underestimate how hard it is to deal with) but I mean even just touching the dog or having her touching our things, makes me feel sick/ unclean. I can’t remember the last time I cuddled her and I rarely stroke her now. I am constantly cleaning everything and spraying everything with anti bacterial spray, it’s exhausting. I don’t have OCD and I don’t feel like this about any other kind of dirt or germs, it’s just my dog.

I can’t stand the sound of her licking/ grooming or scratching herself - just normal dog behaviour (not obsessively). The sound of it just suddenly makes me feel really annoyed at the dog.

I can’t stand the way she smells. I appreciate all dogs “smell”, but I know she doesn’t particularly smell - she’s short haired and well looked after. I have stopped inviting people round because I think the house is dirty and stinks. I feel
ashamed and being on my own all the time is making me feel quite lonely and isolated when my husband is at work.

I can’t stand her barking. She is a sausage dog so she does have a pretty loud and persistent bark (IYKYK!) but she doesn’t bark anymore than she did before. I find myself shouting at her which makes me feel horrible and obviously isn’t helping the situation.

Since feeling like this, I’ve tried spending more time with the dog in an attempt to re-bond with her, but it’s making it worse, because I feel like a begrudge the time with her. I’ve also tried spending less time with her- for example asking family to take her on walks and look after for an afternoon so I get a break from her and so she still has a good quality of life. But I just feel like nothing is helping.

I feel so sad that I feel like this and completely devastated that it’s preventing me giving my wonderful dog the life she deserves. It’s also effecting my mental health and that has a knock on impact on my daughter too.

I spoke to the vet and the health visitor and they think it’s perhaps a hormonal change that’s made me feel completely unable to cope with the dog. The vet was very matter of fact and suggested putting my dog down. The HV suggested rehoming. It would be challenging to find her a new home because of the incontinence and the IVDD. However even if the right 5* home existed, I don’t particularly want to rehome her. She’s my baby and this is her family and home. It’s not her fault I feel like this. I just want to go back to the way I felt before.

I cry everyday about how I feel and the effect this is having on my lovely 4 legged best friend.

Has anyone ever felt like this too? Is it temporary? Please, please help me.

Completely correct, the dog doesn't love you it just has no choice but to fawn and placate you so that you feed it.
If you die and it's just you and the dog in the house it will eat you, starting with your face.
(A very large powerful dog will kill you itself and eat you)

I have a much-loved dog but she would be humanely PTS if she was incontinent. I know thats hard for you to hear because you've had such a struggle getting your dog back to walking etc but really, an incontinent animal can't live in the house, its dangerous for you and your child who will be crawling/walking around soon and theres no way you can stop the child from picking up poo etc.

I really think theres only one outcome here and it involves thinking less emotionally and more humanely about every animal (including humans) who are involved in the situation.

The dog mum stuff is not helping you. She's not your baby, she's your dog. She's an animal you keep as a pet. She deserves care and respect, but she's not in any way comparable to a human baby.

Objectively, she's got enough health problems that you wouldn't be unreasonable to put her down. Yes, if you wanted to devote your life to her care then you could. But you've got a child and so that's not feasible. Rehoming is unlikely to be possible.

I'd put her down and get on with your life. If your baby got sick from contact with dog waste, you would feel a whole lot worse than if you address it now.

Obviously your dog can't poo and pee all over the floor when you have tiny ones but I'm assuming he's in dog nappies or something, so more extra work than a massive hygiene issue.

I have a mostly continent disabled cat and although it's not been easy having small children with her with vigilant cleaning and course supervision went managed fine.

It's not unusual to have strong feelings about people or pets when a baby comes along - a lot of it is hormonally driven. You see it a lot on here, an almost visceral hatred to just mild irritation that new mums often have to their partners (obviously excluding the lousy ones who deserve it). People have it with their older children as well sometimes.

It usually passes and can be a way of pnd manifesting itself. I wouldn't do anything hasty and I certainly wouldn't think about euthanasia at this point. If your dog has a good quality of life and you feel you need to re-home the are specific disabled pets charities who you could turn to for help.

Good luck.

@Hollie987

I'm sorry this thread is being derailed by those pushing a particular agenda.

It's really clear you love your dog
It's also really clear that you seem to have some traits of PND (I had similar traits focused around cleanliness after I had my DD), which are making it harder.
It's also really clear that having an incontinent dog is really hard.

My suggestion is to give yourself time and space to think clearly about what you want to do.

Nappies for your dog is definitely the first port of call if not already being used.

Also agree with others that your baby will find your dog very funny, and that might also change your perception.

Then as some others have said, be kind to yourself - it's a massive upheaval having a baby, and after you've gone through so much with your dog. You're not a bad person for having these thoughts, you just need some time to process how you really feel.

Exactly what @247SylviaPlath says.

PTS is one of your options but it's not the only one. It's irrevocable. I'd be very wary of making that decision while you're in your current frame of mind because it doesn't sound as if that's normal for you and you may deeply regret it later. Find a way to get some breathing space, and decide when you're more like your normal self.

@Hollie987

I'm sorry so many vile dog haters found your thread, I hope you're ok. 💐

I agree with others that it's a fairly normal reaction to your pets when you've had a baby, to a degree! But I think you're suffering it very deeply. It could be because of your strength of feeling for your dog prior to having your baby (congratulations) Your tired )babies do that to you!!) stressed (incontinent yappy dogs do that to you) & ...life...

I think PND is definitely worth getting investigated!

but also giving yourself time to adjust, hormones are bastard things!

Get as much help as people are able & willing to give. Even kids/teens to come & play with or just make a big fuss of your dog.

Do you have hard floors? Would you be willing (&able) to put them in if you haven't? Being able to mop them would really help.

i think the other germ feeling & dirty smelly worries will fade over time.

who do you trust to tell you the truth? Just ask them, people who care about you won't mind at all

i very much doubt your dog/ house smells any different than it did before. Just ask

Even if it did I'd still want to come & see you!!

you're unnecessarily isolating yourself, you need a friend to help you, don't be ashamed to ask!

You obviously know nothing of the relationship between a dog and its owner. Both get something out of it.
It has been proven that people who have a dog have increased physical fitness due to increased activity, improved heart health, reduced stress levels, positive impact on mental health and an increased social interaction.
If you die and it's just you and the dog in the house it will eat you, starting with your face.
Good. I wouldn't want my dog to starve to death.
(A very large powerful dog will kill you itself and eat you)
This made me laugh. I had a 7stones GSD. Guess what? He never tried to kill me lol.
OP I wish you all the best.

I had a friend who took on an incontinent dog after the owners could no longer cope (back surgery following an accident.) She had been kept in a cage because of her toileting. She had about four happy years in her second home. My friend had other dogs and the incontinent dog was adored x

Your dg is your baby with the same issues needing diapers. Kids need to be around germs to get immunities. That's why Gen x is so healthy compared to children now. If needed get someone who is good with dogs to come a day or 2 a week to help with making things easier. If you just do not want your dog anymore, please get in touch with a special needs shelter or rehome to a senior dog family home that takes dogs that people don't want that have issues. Senior dog home farms are great. Special needs home carers are great. If you hate your dog it isn't the dogs fault. You are stressed and the dog needs someone who can be there to help him/her. Things don't always go how we want. But do not put the dog down. He/she has a lot of life left. Find a loving special needs place. Just Google, call vets in your area. I'm sure you can find a perfect place where your dog can feel love. Your dog can feel the hatred coming from you. I know you are having a hard time and I'm not being mean. But I would definitely rehome to a special needs home. You and your pup will be in a better place that way. I'm praying for you and your pup. Congratulations on the baby.