How do I tell a 9 year old that the cats died

[Frugalinyorkshire]

He’s been missing for a few days and I found him under the hedge this morning, I stupidly hadn’t looked there. Been hit by a car and obviously I feel horrendous because maybe it wasn’t too late. However I would have heard him if he had been alive.

We have lots of animals, 4 dogs and 3 (now 2) cats.

We’ve never lost one before, he doesn’t know he’s missing. How do I tell him our kind friendly loving cat has died at 14 months old?

You tell them the truth, or as close to it as possible. If you don't want to tell them it was hit by a car, that's your choice, you could just tell him you found the cat deceased. I'm very sorry about your cat.

Has your child any experience with death at all? A family member, or even just reading about it in the news? I think previous experience will be important in how you approach this.

At 9 I would just be really honest and say that unfortunately he died, you think due to an accident with a car, and although unlucky it is a risk with cats. I probably wouldn't go into the possibility that you might have found him a day or two earlier, I don't think it would help. At that age mine had already had a grandparent die. They are really sad initially but generally bounce back fairly quickly. Be careful not to say it is asleep, I would be surprised if a 9yr old didn't have some concept of death from stories and school. Have you shown the body to the other animals? It can help them to know what has happened too.

Just tell the truth. Of course everyone will be sad but being honest is the best policy.

Slightly different, because my 9 year old knew the cat was missing, but I was just matter of fact. I'd found DCat, but he was dead - similar to you, he was under a hedge we'd probably walked past a dozen times since he'd gone walking. We assume a car too.
DS was bereft, but I suggested a cuddly toy in similar markings to DCat. One year on the cuddly is still most treasured, and DCat is still talked about.
Dont use euphemisms like gone to sleep. Admit it's hard, and you will miss DCat, and tears are ok. Keep talking about DCat if that's what is wanted (this was really hard for me - DS wanted to talk, I wanted to block out the state I found DCat in). Teach him how to start grieving. This isnt going to be the only loss in his life.

He’s not experienced death before, but I didn’t plan on glossing over it. I’ve shown the body to one of the cats, the other one hasn’t come near. In fact the cat that grew up with him has stayed away. The younger cat was sat next to him whilst he was wrapped in a towel and then sat next to the hole whilst we buried him. Sniffed his body etc.

It’s so sad because he was a gorgeous friendly cat. He would cuddle with the dogs and he was really talkative. Really going to miss him.

The first thing my ex mother in law said was “for goodness sake don’t get another cat”

I'm so sorry OP, that's very distressing.

I agree that the best way is always the honest and straightforward way. I would sit him down and warn him along the lines of "I've got to tell you something very sad that's happened" and tell him straight that the cat was injured and died. I might also reassure him that it wasn't his or the cat's fault, it was an accident. And there might be some hard questions.

Personally, I think it's also OK to cry if that happens and explain that it makes you sad too. Basically just be honest and open, even about the fact that it's not fair that it happened, especially to a young cat, and it's ok to be angry about that.

Also you could tell him that your other animals will be sad and miss the cat too, and that he can help them to feel better by helping to look after them.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things in any case, but it's so, so difficult.

Your exMiL's comment wasn't helpful. Everyone reacts in different ways and however it works for them. But he doesn't really need to hear that (and I'm sure your son is smart enough to know that another cat is not a resurrection of or direct replacement of the deceased cat).

I wonder if your son might like to sow some forget-me-not seeds in the garden, to grow 'in memory' of the cat? Something tacit to remember the lost pet.

My heart goes out to you, Frugal, both on the loss of your pet and for having to break this to your son. I want to say that I hope it will be OK, but I know that doesn't help. It's never really OK. But I hope you know what I mean.

The cat was lucky to have shared the short life that he had with you and your son. Every good wish to you. x

The first thing my ex mother in law said was “for goodness sake don’t get another cat”

No but I might look for a nicer MIL.

oh im so sorry about your cat :(

When we lost a cat a couple of years ago. I brought the children in and told them that I had some upsetting news but they needed to know. That the cat had been found and he had died, and that its really sad for everybody.

Then we all had a proper cry. Kids were devastated. It was horrible really. It was worse that the cat was so young and such a lovely boy.

I got a little plaque made and we scattered his ashes a bit later and we had a little ceremony and each said something about him.

Sorry for the loss of your cat op.

I think like other have said just being too the point and honest is best.

Maybe practice the words you will use first so it comes out how you intend it too. “Hunny, I’m really sorry but I have got something sad to tell you. Unfortunately flossy has died. I found her this morning under the hedge in the garden”.
Then allow her space to react however she wants. Be gentle with her. When the time feels right maybe you could do something like print a photo out to put up or get an ornament for the garden to remember her with.

You can get some nice children’s books about death too.

That’s how I’d handle it anyway.

Whatever you do I hope it goes ok.

Tell him the truth, don't use euphemisms and support him with his reactions. It's sad but part of life. Don't be surprised if he asks difficult or gruesome questions - kids are curious.

Yea I was going to suggest having some prepared replies to likely questions such as what happens to the body or even questions about what happens when people die (as she may think about death in a wider sense).

Although it’s awful all people will eventually experience death. Some earlier than others. It sounds like you will manage it really well for her.

Our cat had to be put to sleep because of cancer. I told our eldest who would have been about 10 that sadly she was too ill to get better and what would happen, and when I got home from the vet's that she had died and it had been very quick, painless and peaceful. He was sad but ok.

In your situation I would probably just say something like "I have to tell you something very sad. Dcat got hit by a car and died." and then be led by him about what questions he has, now and later, making sure that he knows that it's ok to be sad - our pets are part of our family and important.

Sad but BW straight forward. “ fluffy was hit by a car on the road and was so badly hurt she died “
Three take it from there I guess. Answer the questions. Mop the tears. , bulb a bit yourself- it is awfully sad.

Oh OP I'm so sorry for your loss I know how you feel I had to make the difficult decision to have my cat put to sleep last year because he was so ill and wasn't going to get better. Its utterly devastating to lose them as they're never a pet they're one of the family.

I would just be honest with your DC and explain that unfortunately there was an accident and the cat has died and that its ok to feel sad and grieve for your fur baby. Maybe you could frame a nice photo of the cat and plant some flowers in the garden with the photo as a kind of memorial if you feel that might help your DC understand and process it a bit easier? Even though the cat was so young perhaps also talk about your happy memories of him/her and how much love and happiness they brought into your lives and you'll never forget them.

Don't be surprised if their grief trickles out unexpectedly too. My dd seemed to be absolutely fine then I'd randomly find her crying over the next few months. We'd sit down be sad together, look at photos. It took a while to really move on but I just made time to talk when she needed me.