NC for this because I feel so much shame...
I chose to have my cat PTS this week and I can't get over the guilt. She had kidney failure, arthritis, dementia and hyperthyroidism (which was well controlled on medication). She also kept getting UTIs and needing antibiotics several times a year. She was around 15-18 yrs old, it was never clear exactly how old as she was an adult rescue.
She had declined a lot in the past 6-8 months and lost a lot of weight, she was always big throughout her life and had now got very boney. She had also become really aggressive towards the other pets and had to be kept separated from them most of the time. She was extremely loud (as she'd gone deaf) and woke everyone up usually once or twice every night howling. One of the other cats seemed really stressed about it and had started peeing around the house (medical issue ruled out).
She had seen the vet about a month ago and we had the quality of life chat then and test results (blood and urine) were worse than before. She always loved food but her appetite had been declining to the point that when she ate it looked like a chore (but vet had checked teeth were fine and no mouth ulcers etc) and she mostly just liked to lick off the jelly/sauce. She was also peeing massive amounts because of the kidney disease. We put her on two new medications/supplements but they didn't seem to make a difference.
So on balance I decided it was time as her quality of life was clearly not great and the kidney disease was inevitably going to get worse and everything that comes with end stage kidney failure sounds really grim. She was also a super grumpy cat when it came to doing anything to her and vet had said putting her on an IV for fluids was not going to work for her (she basically turned almost feral at the vets and tried to bite/scratch everyone and needed sedation for everything). I could have learnt to administer sub-cut fluids at home but I think she would have hated that too and getting her to stay still for it would have been hard.
Anyway I booked the vet appointment for a quiet time of day a few days in advance with our trusted vet. Then I gave the cat a couple of days of being spoiled as much as I could with treats and cuddles. The day before the PTS appt she had a 'good day' and she was eating better (food that was off the menu usually because it was bad for kidneys though - tuna etc.).
Vet said most people regret waiting too long and it was better to let her go too early than too late and that if I felt it was time, it was time. (We had seen this vet about three times a year for the past few years for the cat's many ailments and she is a very experienced vet.) Vet remarked on how thin the cat had got too. The euthanasia itself was quite quick and peaceful although the sedative made the cat vomit and I hate to think she felt so ill in her final minutes. I was with her all through to the end.
But now I feel massively guilty for making that choice when I could have given my lovely cat another week, maybe another month, of being spoiled and done more things she enjoyed. I also feel guilty for not having enough time for her in the final six months or so of her life and having to separate her so much from the other pets (but it was to protect them all as they had been fighting really badly and I honestly felt someone was going to get seriously hurt).
A small part of me feels relieved now she's gone and the other pets seem more relaxed... And then I feel guilty for feeling relieved.
Is it normal to feel so guilty? I feel like I let her go to prevent suffering that was to come, more than to end suffering that was already happening. I read somewhere it's ok to let them go on a bit of a high note instead of waiting until there's no choice but to PTS... She had a really good life for most of her life and she was a cat who loved comfort. I think for a different cat I would have chosen to wait longer though and tried more treatments if they were more tolerant of it.