Wrecked by guilt and grief that I did not give enough attention to our dog before she died.

[fei]

Last week, we had to put our 13yr old springer spaniel to sleep. She had severe arthritis and incontinence. we adopted her when she was 10 yrs old from the Battersea Dogs Home and had her for 3 years. Then, we were determined to give her her last few good remaining years of her life.
The first year was fantastic and she was very much a part of our lives. Then our daughter arrived a year later and with a newborn, our focus naturally turned to our baby. When my daughter turned one, our dog's behaviour took a worse turn and from there on, it has been downhill and difficult. Eventually, I found myself being frustrated with her all the time. It was definitely a case of her reacting to the lack of attention since the birth of our daughter. Many times, I felt incapable of coping with a baby and an elderly dog, both needing equal amount of attention and care. Apart from giving her daily walks and meals, I haven't been able to spend time with her or give her the same amount of affection as before.
But now that she is gone, I realised that I had underestimated how much she meant to me. Too late obviously. Apart from missing her badly, I feel guilty that I haven't been able to fulfill what we set out to give her when we adopted her - to give her a last few happy years. I feel that I have let her down and am very regretful of that. The grief and guilt is wearing me down.
Has anyone been through the same?

You took a dog that nobody else would have frankly. And of course your daughter came first. How could it have been better to a/leave her in the dogs home or b/prioritised a dog over your own baby? It is sad to lose a pet, but I really don't see how you could possibly have done things differently. I don't honestly think old incontinent dogs need to feel happy like people do. They don't need conversation. I am sorry if I sound flippant, I can tell you are very sad, but I think you are imagining things as different to how they were, and feeling guilty totally unnecessarily. Lots of people in your position with a baby and a difficult dog would have given the dog away.

echo what Sorrell writes

I hada little rescued dog who I was very close to for a few years. Later on, she started weeing and pooing in the house (she did this when I first had her as she had never been trained, but I trained her). We coped until Dd1 was 3 and ds1 soon to crawl, then shewent back to the rescue centre. I do feel bad andwished I hadcoped better but at leastwe hadsome very goodyearstogether. Your dog was much better off with you than shewould have been in Battersea. Don't beat yourself up over it, try to remember the good times

Thank you for your thoughts. It's true that many people in my position would have given their dog away. I didn't think of that. And that she was better off with us than in Battersea. It's comforting to know that. Even though it probably wouldn't matter, I hope she knew that she was loved even though sometimes it may have seemed otherwise. I just felt that I could have tried harder but didn't. I miss her very badly but I know time is a good healer.

This is very close to home. We have 2 elderly dogs (13 and 15). Until DD came along (2.9) they came first. Now they don't receive the same amount of love at all.

DH walks them once per day, (used to be 2)...
We feed them, spend most of the day telling them to get out of my feet....

We reliased that they had been negleted so now make a determined effort to spend time with them in the evenings.

I do know how you feel, as although we do try to be the same with them, things are the same. DD comes first, so dogs have to stay out of the way during some of the day.

They are also incontentient now and it drives me mad... DD is potty trained but now have dogs to clean up after...

I honestly don't think that the dogs feel worse off. they aren't like people, ie don't have those feelings.

As long as they are feed, walked and are warm they are happy..

I think it is just us that feel bad...

I am sure that your dog had a better 3 years with you then they would have done without you...

Our dog was nearly 2 when dd arrived and went from being our baby to being our dog! Her nose was put out of joint, but tbh I think she just had too much attention before. Honestly I think dogs like a comfy bed, company (ie someone in the house), walks (and old dogs need less of course), nice food and the odd cuddle and they are happy. It sounds to me like you gave your dog all of the above. Don't beat yourself up and like someone said just remember the good times xxx

Thank you, its been so comforting and assuring to read about all your experiences and opinions. I am still missing her and the habit of her everyday presence but I am starting to accept that she is dead and that it was the right time for her to go. As mentioned, I am starting to focus on the good times rather than beat myself up over it. Like H, I feel that your experience is very similar to mine - the potty training and incontinence, etc.
Thank you all of you for writing back. You've been of great help. x

GD it's exactly the same here. the dog is still with us but certainly we cannot give her all we gave before.
in fairness it's true that maybe the before it's too much like CD said. they are treated like babies not pets.
I am sure our little doggy does miss some of the attention. not for a moment I believe that she has not noticed the difference. but I do not think it means that she's not happy.
I went through what you do know with my previous dog whom I forgot when at 16 I discovered boys. when he died I realised I did not pay any attention to him for a while and felt bad.

I think it's just life.

Today, we collected our dog's ashes and I'm feeling really sad all over again. I guess, just seeing her in that black box seemed so surreal. What was once a lively silly member of our family has been reduced to a black little box. I know I'm being silly and all. Afterall, there are many others who have been through more, loved and lost people and pets but I find writing it all down so helpful. Funny how it's so much easier sharing your feelings with strangers than with family and friends. I guess too that all of you who would read this are dog lovers and in that sense, you'd understand what I mean. I only started using mumsnet since my dog's death and its helped me so much. So thank you all for writing back and sharing your thoughts and experiences.

We're going to scatter her ashes in the woods where she loved. Maybe I'll scatter some in our garden too and perhaps keep some in a little container so that she's with us wherever we are.