How to tell 3 3/4 year old about the cat being put to sleep?

[futurity]

The subject title says it all...our eldest of 3 cats, Suzie, is 16 and will probably be put to sleep soon as her heart murmer is making her breathing go downhill. She is alright at the moment (eating, drinking, moving around but not much) but this could change at any point. It is hard enough for my husband and I to contemplate as we have had her 10 years but I have no idea how you deal with this with children (I never had pets as I grew up for this reason..my parents didn't want me to deal with death!).

I know there are books on this which I can get from the library but I just wasn't sure what to say to him...do we tell him before hand (probably not!) ...what do we say after the event...how do we answer the invitable questions about death!?

Any experiences welcomed.

There is a book about MOG the cat dying that my mum uses at school sometimes. He's a bit young to tell him before but you could read the book with him afterwards. When we were little we always buried our pets in the garden and have a little funeral for them.

There was a thread where someone said to avoid saying 'gone to sleep' in case they got worried about sleep themselves IYSWIM.

I think matter of fact and honesty is the key.

Let him know it is a very sad time, it is ok to cry about it, that you will all miss Suzie very much but everyone grows old and our bodies stop working, explain to him that Suzie is happier wherever she may be because she is not in pain, and its just you and he that are sad because you will miss Suzie.
Do spell it out that Suzie will never be back, as thats difficult to grasp. He may well ask lots of questions about when Suzie will be coming home, so prepare yourself.

This is an important learning experience for children, and in some ways its nice to learn about it with regard to a cat, rather than losing a person iykwim?
HTH take care xx

We had this a while ago - total sympathy.
Do you believe in heaven and are you comfortable about discussing the concept of the cat going to another place full of other cats etc? We didn?t handle this bit very well tbh and focussed more on what th ecat dying meant for DD rather than the cat IYKWIM - ie not seeing her again, being sad but that it is ok to feel sad etc
We did a matter of fact route with our DD (who was similar age). And explained about never ever coming back as the main stumbling block rather than what happens when you die. We tried to liken it to the plants that die and make room for new plants to grow and that it is really sad not having any more play time with the cat but when we feel sad we remember all those happy times playing and it can help cheer us up...Not much consolation but we did find honesty helped. Getting her to talk about being sad at never seeing her again helped as we were able to say that we were sad too but that we were happy she was not hurting anymore and that we were happy when we could think of all those fun times playing with her. DD has talked about the cat looking down on her from heaven and if the cat could see her, why couldn?t she see the cat which was tricky. We were honest and said that we didn?t understand it all either and that sometimes things are just a mystery and it is our choice whether we want to believe it or not. She was amazed at the idea that we might not know everything but also seemed to accept it quite happily. Not sure if this was the right thing or not but I felt happier being honest with her than to tell her a story that I didn?t quite believe myself.
Good Luck, try not to worry too much about great detailed answers, just do your best to be honest with her if she asks you hard questions and don?t be afriad to say that you don?t know. I thnk there is too much pressure as parents to always answer every question given to us.

I was thinking the Mog book... If you were to read it to him a day or so before, then you could say to him "You remember the story where Mog the cat died...." and go on from there.

I agree with avoiding the "gone to sleep" too - I got most upset that my cat fell asleep when she was at the vets, and they wouldn't let her come home again!!!

I'm sorry Futurity - we had this with our much loved dog when DD was five. We didn't mention "being put to sleep" because as has already been mentioned it can make them worry about sleeping. We also felt that if we explained what it meant, she would think it was our fault Buster was dead etc etc. DH took him to the vets and DD was in bed before he came back on his own. We just said he'd died at the vets. I know some people thought we should have explained it more but at just five I didn't agree.

Re: the book about Mog dying, having been a big Mog fan when my DDS were little, I was a bit unsure about this one when I picked it up in a bookshop. Lots of Mog floating round watching the family and the new cat .. could be a bit confusing for a little one .. and make them think your cat might come back. Good luck with this one .. it's a difficult one.

Thanks for all your replies.

I'd forgotten about the Mog book...I'd got it out of the library by accident about 2 months ago and started reading it to him before I realised what it was about. He then kept picking it up and saying in a cheeky voice.."can you read me the book about cats DYING!!" So don't think I will be using that one although I am sure the library has similar books.

A friend this morning said to say that she has gone to heaven and will play with other cats etc but that will probably open lots of questions about heaven and God...issues we haven't approached yet although he is learning about the Christmas story at nursery.

I think as you say the key is honesty and to try and prepare (in as much as we can!) for all the questions he will come up with.

this thread is making me blub....... I am HOPELESS when it comes to pet death...

futurity, why wouldn't you get the Mog book out again, I don't understand.

Futurity, I too think you should get the Mog book. And the Fred book. Forgive me if I sound brusque, but I'm going through the process of explaining to my four year old why her grandmother has died; and I say this not for sympathy (I'm OK, myself) but because death is something we all have to encounter, and explain. And pets are actually a very good way to get used to the idea.

We said that our dog had gone to heaven, dd didnt really know what it was, so we said he wasnt very well but had gone to a lovely place with lots of other dogs etc DD asked where heaven was and we told her it was up in the sky, she now thinks its near England as her only experience of up in the sky is when we moved from England to Spain. We also told her it was a lovely place but if you went you couldnt come back. She seemed to accept it but still talks about our darling Mungo a year on.

Straight forward and to the point, and honesty when necessary. My ds1+2 had to hear about our cat being run over at the beginning of the year. I popped into the local vet to check if anyone had reported on our missing cat to be told that she was in the freezer having been brought in dead 2 days earlier. I burst into tears and had to explain why I was so upset on returning to the car, ds1, aged 4 leapt to the front of the car, put his arms round me, and said "dont worry mummy everything will be alright." They were so matter of fsact about the whole thing. They helped dig a big hole in the garden and gave her a stroke goodbye as we buried her and chose a nice shrub to go on top to remember her by. They still talk of her and proudly announced to everyone who came to visit for some months later where she was buried. Clearly not traumatised at all.

So sorry to hear about your cat, Futurity, hope she rallies for a while, but please involve the children in whats happening.

Goldfish are v helpful in teaching about death and dying, ours do on a regular basis, dont know why, and ds1+2 take turns in flushing them down the loo to send them to fishy heaven in the sea, a la Nemo.

I'm sure the Mog book was fine...it's just that it became a bit of a joke with my son as I kept hiding it as I didn't really want to read a book about cats dying at that time and he kept finding it thinking the whole thing was a game and teasing me about it! I just think if he sees that book again he will think of the whole jokey game around it rather than what it is about. A new unseen book like Fred would help more I think.

motherinferior: sorry to hear of your loss...I completely agree about having to explain death as they will have to encounter it at some point. I find this so hard as I was shielded by my parents...no pets as they didn't want to go through this situation and everytime a grandparent died I never went to any of there funerals...I wasn't given the choice even though I was old enough. In fact the first funeral I went to was my DH's grandad and I cried my eyes out...probably as a reaction to never being allowed to go to my own grandparents funerals. Anyway...off the point. Suzie is on the sofa and has just eaten alot of food so looking a bit perkier!

I think the jokey past of the book is irrelevant tbh, and as young children change their emotions so quickly it mirrors how we all can be up one minute, down the next. you hiding the book shows that you want to protect him from subjects like death, which is understandable. i too find it hard to talk about it but have been very open with dd1 - this morning she said "Mummy, I don't want to die"..and I replied "No, I don't either"..but didn't fudge it, as I fear I would have in the past. the Mog book is uplifting in its own way and shows that it's ok to be sad sometimes. MI is right about pets helping us to understand the hardest parts of life..

Glad Suzie is a bit perkier

DH taking her to the vets this pm...I have a feeling she won't be coming back She is incredibly skinny although still eating a bit but just doesn't seem right. My DH will speak to the vet to find out what is best for her..whether kinda for her to go now or whether she is alright to carry on. It's so hard.

We had to put our oldest cat down a couple of months ago and we told DS1 (2yrs) he had "gone away" and "wasn't coming back" - thus avoiding scaring him about going to sleep, and also that when DH "goes away" (to work) he WILL be coming back.
DS needs a little reassurance now and then that various people (or things, like the kitchen table) are either not going away or, if they are, that they are subsequently coming back, but on the whole it has worked out brilliantly and DS has accepted that our cat has gone away, is not coming back, and that it's OK for those things to happen.

Why is everyone so scared of using the "D" word. Things die, period. Its one of life's sadder lessons, but the death of a family pet should not be just brushed over with comments of "they've gone away." Children cope. They dont end up terrified and pre-occupied with "DEATH", they ask a few questions and in their limited way they deal with it. Sorry to sound a bit brusque, but come on here, it happens to us all eventually.

And what's so wrong with big people crying. I dont want my children growing up thinking that they cant show their true emotions, because it "wouldnt be right". Having said that I dont cry in front of the children, tho I did have a tear or two in my eye when Bambi's mummy got shot. I just said I was sad for poor Bambi.

All over now...DH got back about 45 mins ago with big red eyes..not often I see him crying. Apparently she also had fluid on the lungs and was not in a good way (he said she just sat on his lap on the way to the vets..she didn't move at all). He told DS straight away but I think Daddy crying freaked him out and he cried loads and kept saying that "I just don't know!" which he often says when things get too much for him and he ran upstairs. I calmed him down and he's had tea and is ok now. Wonder when he will mention her again? Anyway...off to have a glass of wine and a toast for Suzie.

So sorry Futurity. Poor dh too.

Maybe there is something about animals...but I cried more over having to part with our rescue dogs (another thread) than I've cried about anything else since Sept 11 2001.

My daughter could not remember seeing me cry before and she was more upset about that than she was about the dogs having to go.

But I'm glad now that she did see me, because we can talk about it and she can understand that it's not the end of the world.

She has phases of being worried and scared about death even though she hasn't experienced it - in fact after reading this thread I'm thinking of getting some goldfish to help her understand.

Not sure if books help - she thinks 'Goodbye Mog' is a lovely story but wants to give away 'No Matter What' (which I love) just because it mentions death

Oh dear...DS has just come downstairs saying "I don't know" again and being upset...Daddy crying obviously upset him.