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who fancies checking some statements for me?

18 replies

00100001 · 27/11/2015 09:48

Can you check for grammar/wording/meaning etc?

  1. At School Name, girls are encouraged to take the next step independently, and discover strategies to cope when they go wrong. In this way, they develop a much stronger understanding than merely learning what they have been taught."

2. At School Name, girls are encouraged to use their judgement to choose how to proceed in a task, ans to avail themselves of the tools they need. In this way, they develop independent learning skills that will support them well beyond their time at school.

3. At School Name, girls are encouraged to think independently, beyond what they "need to know", and to evaluate their progress. In this way, they take control of their learning and open up a much richer spectrum of outcomes.
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DadDadDad · 27/11/2015 10:47

Apart from a mistype of "and" in 2, no spelling or grammar errors leap out, so it's more about clarity and style.

My preference is for 1, as I find expressions such as "avail..." and "richer spectrum..." a bit over-the-top.

In 1, first sentence, you could drop the comma before "and" possibly put "to" in front of discover, to show two parallel activities "to take the next step" and "to discover strategies". But alternatively, you could have a dash before the "and", "to take the next step independently -- and discover..." to make the "go wrong" thought a bit more contrasting, an interruption / realisation that things might go wrong.

In 1, second sentence, I can see what you are trying to say, but something sounds a bit odd, the idea of learning [present tense] what you have been taught [past] (as you have already learnt it, if you see what I mean?)

DadDadDad · 27/11/2015 10:50

How about for 1, "In this way, they develop a much stronger understanding beyond the knowledge that they have been taught"

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 27/11/2015 13:56

Number 3 is the clearest for me. Succinctly and snappy. The wording of 1 begs the questions 'what next step?' Does 'they' refer to 'girls' or 'strategies'? 'Stronger understanding' of what?

Number 2 would be my second choice.

DadDadDad · 27/11/2015 14:03

I think 3 would work if the "richer spectrum of outcomes" could be replaced with something less pretentious-sounding.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 27/11/2015 14:09

I'm guessing this is for a school prospectus or something similar, so 'pretentious' ( though I don't think it does sound pretentious tbh, it just reads as fairly standard publicity blurb for an educational objectives USP) is probably fine!

00100001 · 27/11/2015 14:15

I agree that it's all pretentious waffle! Grin

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00100001 · 27/11/2015 14:17

I mean, can spectrum be rich? Probably not!

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00100001 · 27/11/2015 14:18

let alone "much richer" than any other already rich spectrum Confused

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ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 27/11/2015 14:19

I would add 'own' and/or 'personal' to 'progress' and 'learning'.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 27/11/2015 14:20

I think a spectrum should be broader rather than richer...

00100001 · 27/11/2015 14:20

and is it me or does "and to avail themselves of the tools they need." not really make sense, because if we replaced it with the meaning ' take advantage of'

it would read:
"At School Name, girls are encouraged to use their judgement to choose how to proceed in a task, and to take advantage of the tools they need."

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DadDadDad · 27/11/2015 15:59

It reminds me a bit of this girls' school*
(now accepting boys if the picture is confusing - it's come a long way from the school that inspired St Trinian's!)

*to be fair, it's probably something every school says, unless there's a school out there that says, "we train pupils above all to excel in exams, giving them the precise knowledge they need to get the top grades. Why waste time getting them to think creatively or developing skills to tackle problems that won't come up in their GCSEs?" Grin

DadDadDad · 27/11/2015 16:03

Anyway, why are you asking? Are you writing the prospectus?

00100001 · 27/11/2015 17:12

I'm not writing it, we've been asked for our opinions. :)

They want to use all three.

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DadDadDad · 27/11/2015 17:24

Why not get the pupils to write it: apparently, the girls would think beyond the cliches that the staff have taught them and you'd get a much richer spectrum of outcomes. Grin

mrsmugoo · 27/11/2015 17:26

Never a comma before and or but.

00100001 · 27/11/2015 17:35

Grin dad

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ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 28/11/2015 07:03

Never a comma before and or but......unless you use the Oxford comma of course. Wink

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