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Help with correct use of English please?

5 replies

CharminglyOdd · 02/04/2012 15:04

DP is sending out some promotional material and, as his first language is not English, I'm correcting it for him. I still want to let it sound like DP. I have corrected this sentence five times in the last month and each time I waver between two options. I'd like to know which one sounds better please and I'll make that the final version. I really want to get this right for him as it's a cold-call email offering his business services.

  1. All information about your event, delivered to the target audience, has to answer likely questions and convert the potential into actualised attendees.

2. All information about your event that is delivered to the target audience has to answer likely questions and convert the potential into actualised attendees.

I'm equally unsure about use of 'the potential' but in the wider context of the paragraph it flows better than without 'the'.

Any help gratefully received! I'll go with the majority opinion :)
OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/04/2012 15:07

I prefer the second, but hate "actualised". "Actual" would be fine.

captainmummy · 02/04/2012 15:08

Hate the 'actualised' as well. No need - actual attendees is fine.

CharminglyOdd · 02/04/2012 15:23

Thanks :) I have cut down on the wank management speak a lot. It's difficult because he jumped in at the deep end WRT learning English and has only worked in the one office so has picked up all their business slang and colloquialisms, thinking that it's correct English.

OP posts:
Rinkan · 03/04/2012 18:25

Definitely not the first one- if you put "delivered to the target audience" after "the event, " you are saying that the EVENT is delivered to the target audience.

Agree with other posters- "actualised" is clunky and, I think, wrong- actualised would mean "up to the minute". "Potential into actual" is correct and scans better too.

Why not say "convert potential attendees into actual attendees"? that has a more emphatic ring to it.

Popsandpip · 04/04/2012 15:03

How about this....?

All event information delivered to your target audience should answer the most common queries they might have, with the aim of securing their attendance.

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