What might be the reason for such a late wedding invite?

[swordinthestone]

I got a wedding invitation today and the wedding is next month.

It is from someone who was a very good friend at university. Over the past few years, I noticed it was always me calling her (we had drifted due to distance and due ot me getting married and having kids and her not). So...I just stopped calling and haven't heard from her in 18 months. Last time I heard from her was a 3 line group email announcing her engagement and that was 18 months ago. I was really upset at the loss of the friendship and have dwelled on it for ages over the past few years, but now I am "over" it and have moved on. I don't have any bad feelings towards her and I have no idea how she feels about me.

This wedding is a big white one, lots of guests, months/years of planning, church, country house hotel thingy, no kids allowed, JL gift list etc etc - ie the type that lots of MNers disapprove of .

Anyway back to the point...

why have I only just got the invite for such a big lavish do? I can only think that the first choice invite people have refused and me and DH are replacement guests? Just to put bums on seats for the expensive do and to get something off the gift list? Am I being really nasty and cynical in thinking this.

Also...WWYD

It is a really difficult day (DH at an important work thing, DS at school - on a Fri) and it is at the other end of the country (bride's hometown). Plus, I would have to leave DS and DD overnight and I have never done this, other than when I was in hosp having DD I had to leave DS with DH and my mum. And then there is the cost - present, transport, hotel etc etc ... hundreds of pounds. My gut feeling is not to go, but why should I say I am not going or do you think I should go?

It could be that you are a second choice guest, but that's not relevant.

Do you want to go? If so, then go. If you don't, then don't. You don't have to give more than you can afford as a gift.

Take the perceived insult out of the loop and reduce it to "Do you want to go?"

BTW I was at a wedding a couple of weeks ago with someone on the "B" list. They knew and were fine with it (replacing an ill aunt). They were aware of how much they were wanted as replacements.

There are always people you want but can't fit in. If you weren't wanted you wouldn't have been invited at all. Don't forget that.

Coud be that there are lots of family who had to be invited first and she wants to see you.

Rather than bums on seats and getting things off a gift list - there's no guarantee that people will bring presents and feeding people at big lavish events doesn't come cheap so I wouldn't be too cynical about it.

If it is a total PITA to go, then just refuse saying thanks so much but we've got a prior engagement (i.e. DH at work, DS at school - both of those were arranged before hand), send a token gift and enjoy your weekend.

NB can't be that lavish and posh if they're having it on a Friday

Sounds like you don't want to go so it is simple - don't go.

No need to give a reason why you can't go, after all it is short notice.

If you wanted to let her know that you know that you were on the B-list you could always reply along the lines of it being a terrible pity but you already have commitments that day, if only you'd known earlier you would have loved to have been there for her big day.

I think you don't need to send an expensive present as whoever it was on the A-list that you are second-choice to would have sent a present too. Phone JL and buy two dinner plates for their dinner service or something.

Just write back nad say have a lovely day and wonderful life together and regret you can't come, cause the regret is that she hasn't kept up the friendship from your pers[ective so leave it at that...as it sounds you are not wanting to treaspse all those miles etc and expense.

i thought wedding invites went out 6 weeks before?

And just incase you're making assumptions, my BIL only sent out the invites a month before the wedding. We'd known about it a year and DH was his best man, but he hadn't sent them before then.

6-8 weeks prior is the accepted timescale.

Whatever the reason for your late invite (although its actually not that last minute)you should be glad that she thought of you and wants you to be there on her special day, she didn't have to invite you at all!

This could be a chance to start up your friendship again. As for the gift just buy what you can afford there must be some inexpensive items on the JL list if not you can get them gift vouchers for whatever amount you are happy to spend.

If its going to be too complicated with travelling and childcare then don't go & just send a card.

If you do decide to go I'm sure you'll have a great time.

I would take offence if I were you.

People drift over the years - no matter how close your friendship was.

I remember organising our wedding, and the only stressful thing was the guest list. We had a limit on the number we could invite. There were a few people who we used to be very close to many years before, but we didnt invite in the end as we hadnt really spoken to them for over a year. Ultimately I did regret it a bit after as it would of been nice to be able to invite them, but limitations meant we had to draw the line somewhere.

So, whether you were 2nd choice or not shouldnt really upset you (i dont think) too much in this instance.

If you cant go then there isnt alot you cn do about that, but it seems you are torn and would like to go, so maybe it would be worth the effort. As for gifts. Not everyone got something from our list... but maybe you could get her a personal special gift that relates to your friend ship?

This could be the olive branch you want to bnuild your friendship again?