party problem

[emmaW]

Some good friends have invited us to their summer wedding anniversary. Lots of our crowd will be there with their children. Unfortunately it is likely an old ex school friend of mine will be there too. She and I fell out badly two years ago and have been avoiding each other since. No chance of a reconcilliation, believe me. The falling out involved both our children and us. She has now moved into the same neighbourhood as us, knows the same people, and is going to crop up at social events. She has a son, so do I. They used to be friends until they fell out. I don't know how the two children will get on if they see each other again. My son does not want much to do with this other child. They are both aged 10 now. Her husband also owes us money but seems to have conveniently forgotten about paying it back.

I don't want to miss the party just because this person is coming. I can't keep on missing social events for ever. Should dh and I go alone and not take our son? Again we can't keep on doing this forever and it's not fair on our son who will miss seeing the other children. But if we all go, how should we play it?

This is horrid, because if you go and just ignore and avoid them both, you'll still be very conscious of where they are, what they're doing, etc throughout the party. This means you won't be able to relax properly. Nevertheless, I do think you ought to go. Take your son as well and leave him to it. Even if he has contact with the other boy through his playing with other kids, there probably won't be any trouble there, will there? Kids can be very unbiased like this. I think as far as you go, you'll have to just pretend she's not there and try to have as good a time as you can. You certainly don't want to be alienating yourself from your mates just for her sake. I take it no-one else in your crowd has a problem with her?

We had a similar situation years ago. Dh and I fell out in a huge way with his best friend since childhood and his new wife( re behaviour of new wife to me), and after a massive row we had no contact with them for a few years. Then the mother of a mutual friend died suddenly, and we all attended the funeral and the wake afterwards. I just stayed aloof but polite, answered any questions they threw at me as briefly as possible, but refused to get drawn into a conversation. I would go and just not communicate too much. There will be plenty of other people to talk to. After a while it won't even matter she is there.

I know how you feel but I would go and enjoy yourselves. Why ruin a day out with friends because she is there?

Like others here, I think you should go if you want to and deal with the ex-friend if and when the problem arises (maybe she won't go...). As to your ds, I think you should tell him about the possibility of his ex-friend being at future social events and ask him whether he wants to come to the party or not, after all there will be other children there.

Sorry I didn't reply earlier. I have been away. So you all think we should go to the party and deal with any probelms that arise on the day? I suppose so, though I will not like it much. The party will have under 25 people and be held in a small house and garden so it will be difficult to avoid this person. My son wants to go even if this other boy is there. If I have to speak to my ex-friend I will try and cut the conversation short. I suspect she may try and approach me. She's quite vocal and sarcastic especially if she has had something to drink. I don't want to be rude to her in front of everyone. Any tips on firm but polite ways to end a conversation with her?

Hi EmmaW, i think you should go, keep your head held high and avoid her as much as poss. I think you should take your son and tell him he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to apart from remian polite and to walk away if the other boy bothers him and to come and find you or play somewhere else. why should any of you miss out on a lovley day, sod that! you have every right to be there and show her that you're not bothered by her ata ll and just make sure you have a fab time! Good luck.
I fell out with my old 'best' friend years ago as well and would hate to see her out and about so I'm not pretending that it'll be easy but still think you should go for it!